Heya. It's been hell. Where do I even start.
Well I'm kind of a mental nutcase, always have been. I've been struggling with anxiety and sleep issues for all my life. I was a zombie when I went to highschool always exhausted, sleepless, and fearful. I figured out I was trans when I finally graduated. I decided to take a gap year before my parents wanted to send me off to college, just to sort my mind out. Little did I know that things would get even worse.
I spiraled downward into depression for two years. I've lost so much. I can tell that my brain has shrunk and my mind is deluded. So I can't recall everything that's happened those years, everything has blurred together. Time and dates have become meaningless. I'm 19 years old now, soon to be 20, I don't have a licence, I don't have a life. I haven't been out of the house to do much of anything, I've tried getting outside but my dysphoria always stops me. It's taken away years of my life and I can feel that strain on my mind that's already too broken to repair. I'm always assaulted by violent thoughts of suicide and bitter hatred towards my body and everything about myself. When I go out in my body I feel like I'm not living, like I'm trapped in a prison of just useless female fat. I've tried exercise and eating healthy but it never works, my dysphoria always flares up and I fall back into sleeping all day. I've never had a chance to be happy it always gets ruined, I've been too afraid to reach out and talk about my problems for fear of my own safety and for the own ridicule I face in my brain. I don't want to have to lie about myself, I don't want to say I'm a fake man. I'm not I know I'm not. I don't want anybody else to know that I'm trans. So I've effectively cut off contact from everyone else I know.
I don't expose my issues except to my closest friends, otherwise all of my problems have been bottled up into these mental battles I struggle through every second of every day. I've become a horribly bitter and disgusting person, hell I'm barely a person, I'm subhuman, I live like an animal. I've terrible sleep patterns and circadian cycles that make me wake up at night and sleep during the day. Today I woke up at 8pm for Christs sake. I sit in my own sweat and filth all day, all my activities include lying around, eating, crying, and drawing bull->-bleeped-<-. Drawing's probably the only thing that's kept me from going off the deep end. But hell I feel like I'm already there. I haven't felt like an actual person in so long. It's bizarre, I can tell I've lost it. I'm not going to kill myself thanks to my crippling anxiety disorder. I'm too afraid of death. But to be fair this is the closest to death I've ever experienced. I'm filled with so much hate and sadness that I can't focus on anything. I'm in such a severe psychosis. It's crazy, I feel nearly catatonic.
Over the years I've looked up as much as I could about Testosterone, been scared to death by it, been anxious to get my hands on it. At this point it seems like the solution. My goal has always been to get a lean masculine figure. I'm not morbidly obese but I'm at the cusp between obese and overweight. I've always wanted a deeper voice and a beard and just all of the general physical changes that come with it. Even if I do end up ugly I'd rather be an ugly guy than an ugly girl in the long run. Being a man just seems like being myself. And I'm confident in that. I'm confident about transitioning.
It's been nothing but a struggle with my parents. I'll give them credit, they're not bad people, they were hippies growing up and they're very accepting and understanding. Just not with this. The way they put it, they'd rather I'd be a lesbian than a trans man. Nothing hurts my heart more than just hearing that, I know they're concerned over the surgeries and medicine but those words just kill me. But to be fair despite my attempts to explain my problems going over their head they've been very supportive. They've gotten me therapy and appointments to check out my vitals so they I can get approved for T. Even though it took years to finally get the ball rolling, months of waiting in anticipation just to be shut down and directed to all these different places. And I have an appointment for the 4th, I'm not sure if I'm going to be going on patches or gel but I'm hoping it all goes well in that department.
In the meantime I just need help like, I don't want to get diabetes. I sit around too much and I feel unhealthy. My attempts at working out usually get shut down by my dysphoria. I feel like on Testosterone I'll actually be working towards changing my body while if I just start now it will be pointless. I would love to lift weights but I've heard it's pointless to bulk up when you're trying to lose weight. For the most part it has been just incredibly infuriating, I would bust my ass working out and in the end just get frustrated and impatient. I don't want anyone to see me at the gym, at least not until I'm on T. I have an exercise bike at home, some weights, and we're getting an elliptical soon. I just need help getting my life in order, I need a schedule. I need to know what I should be doing now until I get Testosterone. I've been on a ketogenic diet until I had another breakdown and shoveled bowlfuls of pasta down my throat, it'll be easy to switch back.
I kinda just wanted to get my story out there, I'm sorry if this was too negative. Any help would be appreciated, thanks for reading.
