how do you feel when you attract someone who does not know you are trans ?

[Queen Of Transwomen]

I feel awkward when I attract someone who does not know I am trans. As a waitress I get flirt with all the time. Some men even touch my butt without my permission which I grow to hate. I can not imagine what it would be like if they were to know. The whole telling them I am a lesbian and I have a girlfriend does not care a lot of men off. I obviously am not going to go around telling the men or the women I attract I am trans. I may live in California but even California has not progress enough to just go around telling people that information. Before the transition I felt guilty being in a relationship because then girlfriends would think I am a man. Now the situation is a different kind of guilt. I am a woman. A woman with an interesting past and present. The main reason why I decided to ask this question is because of one specific man. He comes to the restaurant where I work everyday just to talk to me while ordering food he doesn't like. He propose marriage to me even thou he knows I am a lesbian and have a girlfriend. He is actually nice and I would feel bad if were to find out I am trans and that really hurts him. To my love ones me being trans is no big deal but the whole world is not like that. I can not be the only MTF who runs into this situation as I only see MTF gorgeous here. How do you feel about this situation ?

[Dee Marshall]

I can understand your concern. If I'm not attracted I feel a bit of a lift from other's attraction, a bit of validation. If I am attracted, even though I'm in a 38 year relationship and wouldn't possibly consider it, I feel intensely uncomfortable.

[Sophia Sage]

I feel awkward when I attract someone who does not know I am trans. As a waitress I get flirt with all the time...

...He is actually nice and I would feel bad if were to find out I am trans and that really hurts him. To my love ones me being trans is no big deal but the whole world is not like that. I can not be the only MTF who runs into this situation as I only see MTF gorgeous here. How do you feel about this situation ?

Is it possible that you aren't trans anymore, just a woman with a discreet history?  But unlike you, I never tell anyone, not even lovers.  It's not something they really want to know.

Anyways, my reaction to when guys hit on me depends entirely on context.  If I'm in a flirty mood, I flirt back; I know how this game works and I have no problem with it, as it's not going to go anywhere I don't want it to.  If I'm not in a flirty mood, if it's inappropriate, I just shut it down with icy indifference, and this is generally annoying. 

In either case, though, if a guy is flirting with me, he is giving me power -- he wants something that I have. Which can be good or bad, depending on the context.  Regardless, as long as I carry myself with confidence, it doesn't worry me.

What worries me is when guys go beyond flirting, to uninvited touching. Which is gross and entitled, and entirely a power play.  (Rape isn't actually about sex, it's about power.)  And this is something I'm never happy to have to deal with.  Usually I just ignore it and seethe.

[Queen Of Transwomen]

I can understand your concern. If I'm not attracted I feel a bit of a lift from other's attraction, a bit of validation. If I am attracted, even though I'm in a 38 year relationship and wouldn't possibly consider it, I feel intensely uncomfortable.

Even thou I like women it feels nice most of the time when a man is attracted to me. I get a bit of validation from it myself. I am overconcerned with how others feel and I doubt every man that has ever been attracted to me are okay with transwomen. I feel bad for their uncomfortable due to their bigotry. The irony. When a man touches me without my permission I feel bad for him that he does not know I'm trans. More irony. But I feel the most guilty when I am dealing with someone whom is actually nice. I may just make up an reason for that guy to turn off from me without me telling me I am trans. I may just lie and tell him I have a STD. Like herpes. I never hear of anyone getting herpes bashed. Even thou I think this man who says he loves me is nice a lot of nice seeming guys hate transwomen and will get violent so I am not risking it.