Hello all I'm Josie. I am now a 40 year old woman in a mans form. I have thought about transitioning and struggled with my feelings my entire life. I am married with kids today. I live in the mid-west US in a rural community.
My earliest memory dealing with my gender was around age 4. I told my mom I wished I was a girl. This was 1980 in the mid-west US. The most she could do was tell me god had made me the way I was supposed to be, however that didn't exactly make the feeling go away. I spent the next several years wondering what life would be like if I had been born female.
In my preteen years I recall many times I very seriously wanted to castrate myself. I just couldn't stand the thought of becoming a man. Having lived on a farm I had assisted such procedures on livestock. This made the idea feel more possible. Fortunately I did not ever go beyond the planning stages of this.
I struggled with depression through the remainder of middle school and high school. The surge of testosterone in puberty made it easier to block out these feeling for a time anyway. Below the surface those feelings and subconscious thoughts were always there. I was never really able to fit in with the guys and would find things they would say to be very offensive but I learned how to play the part.
Life was a bit easier after high school since the social pressures were reduced. I only had to interact with others for work. My brain never quit thinking like a female. Certain instincts would surface slightly when awake but very real when I would sleep. When in public such as just going to the store, seeing families and mothers with children and especially newborns would leave me so sad I could not properly describe it. When sleeping many times from my late teens through my 20's I would wake from sleep in the middle of the night crying because I wanted a baby in me so badly. I would have done anything to be a woman and have children. Want for a baby is such a deep visceral need. I would feel empty inside. The logical side of my mind made the decision that no matter how much I wanted to be female in life, it wasn't possible so I needed to just move on with "reality" and not dwell on my "fantasy" life. It wasn't a happy decision but it seemed the only way to continue with life as I knew it.
Near age 30 I met my wife. We simply hit it off. Meeting her was unexpected but the best thing in my entire life. We have two young daughters today. After our second daughter I had a vasectomy. Within a few months my testosterone dropped much more significantly. This in turn made those feelings and even the emotional part of my brain as a whole so much more available to my thought processes. It also reduced my libeto. This worsened our sexual differences.
The other night I woke her up and told her my entire story. I just couldn't keep the whole of my real person from her any longer. Thankfully she took it quite well. She has said it explains a lot of my demeanor throughout our past. This is not to say its been easy for her. She feels as though she lost the person she loved, as if my male self died. On the other hand she has been very supportive of my wishing to look into transitioning and even a new life together. I hope beyond hope that we can both find peace. I know she said the last few days are the first time she ever saw me truely happy. I know I opened the emotional floodgates and don't want to go back to locking down my thoughts and feelings.
Josie
starting a journey I hope ends well for us all
