I told my dad today

[Merryn]

I told my dad today.
He looked really upset and serious when reading the report.
I didn't know how to talk to him so I just wrote on paper.
Asked him if he can't accept now please don't tell others.
He says I'm the only son of my mom and the only child in her life. She would be really sad if she knows this.

My mom passed away last Friday because of drug overdose. She had cancer, terrible life, and great pain.
She looked healthy and fine 2 months ago. After I left home and go to college, She got terribly sick.

I just told my dad I was having something to tell him and mom this Saturday.
I know mom died but I still need to tell him this.

Mom and dad didn't live together because of my grandma.
I live in my dad's place. Dad really loved my mom and talk to her everyday.
He think this is not good for my mom.
He said that's just because I don't have a girlfriend and friends.
I'm really kinda lonely in school and only has one good friend...
But I don't know how to talk to him and let him understand.
He can't accept this.

[kaitylynn]

I am so sorry to hear the loss!  I lost my mom in April, so can kind of imagine what you are experiencing.

Something to maybe consider in telling your dad is that it is sudden and usually a shock.  When I told my dad, he all but disowned me there on the spot.  He was adamant and began laying down the rules of how I could be.  Over time, a certain kind of acceptance came to him and we started to be able to communicate better about what we are going through.

Time to settle in will likely help.  At this point, you have done what you can in letting him know what is happening in your world!  Congrats

[LiliFee]

I told my dad today.
He looked really upset and serious when reading the report.
I didn't know how to talk to him so I just wrote on paper.
Asked him if he can't accept now please don't tell others.

You are not alone. Remember that. We and others have been through this, and we've made it too. We're here to help

Give it time. Leave him some space to take it in. But don't wait either. you and he are to work it out together, if at all.

Hugs!

[Merryn]

I bought some make up tools today.
My family found out and we had big argument.
They look disappointed. They can't accept this and says I'm born to be a man and think I'm not "normal".

I don't know why. I didn't do anything wrong or terrible.
I thought as long as I do not do anything wrong or illegal they would think I'm a decent person.
I didn't choose to be born as male or I didn't even ask to be born.

After the argument, I was going out and wandering alone.
I really don't want to stay home.
Dad said I just act like my mom when she was having argument with dad and leaving.
They asked me to put on make up right in front of them.
They said let me try.

It was my very first time. I'm not really professional. I just try to do it like tutorial.
Then it wasn't too bad. Shame I didn't bought enough make up materials.
Grandma said I look like my mom.
I was happy. I guess they would let me try. But they still can't accept.

[Elis]

From personal experience I've found you have to keep chipping away at your parents ignorance. Send an email with relevant links on what it's like being trans, send a text about how much misgendering hurts you, have discussions about LGBT topics. Over time the looks they give you and remarks they make will lessen; even if they don't accept you.

I hope things improve

[Merryn]

I don't know what to do now.
They only think I'm "NOT NORMAL" and I have problems.
They think this is a terrible thing.

I didn't do anything wrong. I'm not a criminal or bad person.
I did what they asked me before. I didn't make any trouble outside.
I have friends who understand me. I do have few close female friends but I just don't fall in love with them.

But dad does not listen. He doesn't even want to understand me. He just thinks I'm male and it will never change.

I didn't even ask to be made. I'm not a bad person. I'll still be his child and it won't change. I'm grateful for that my family raised me and I'll repay after I graduate and have a job.
But I just chose to be what I want to be and this is unacceptable for them.
I feel so lost and hopeless.

[HappyMoni]

Dear Merryn,
   After reading your post, I can't stress this enough. Don't panic. I know it is really hard right now. Like you say, you may feel hopeless, but you must keep in mind the long term, not just the short term. You are so correct when you say you have done nothing wrong. You did not choose your situation. You are trying to deal with what life has given you. It is in no way bad to be trans. It can be very hard because of the ignorance of others. You are going to need to be patient. You can not instantly make family understand. It may be a long process. What you can do is make a plan for yourself. Perhaps picture a future where you are more independent and are surrounded by people who do accept you for who you are. Think about how you can gain more control of the direction of your life. Don't let the present situation block out a future that you can build for yourself. Above all try to stay positive. There are a lot of positive people in this world who are supportive. I think there is a lot to the idea that your family is in shock right now. I'm sure you are too. There may be a time with the family comes around and is supportive. Give it time. Don't panic!
Moni
Sorry for the loss of your Mom.

[Dena]

It's sad that for us to find peace of mind, we have to struggle with so much. It took years before my mother accepted the fact that this was something I needed to do and I only learned long after his death that my father never accepted this. I received reasonable treatment but the hope was I would be "cured" and wouldn't need to transition.

You are not a bad person but you need to take a path in life that others may not understand. Possibly in the future your father will understand but it will take time and patience on your part to make it happen.

[yashika_1989]

Hi Merryn,

I am sorry that you are going through such difficult phase. I remember how difficult it was for me to come out and tell my parents, and although they didn't were angry, they looked somewhat surprised and disappointed. Imagine the time you took to digest the fact. It takes probably that much time or even longer for others to accept it. Acceptance will come, only it may take longer than expected.

I did not just tell my parents and immediately started transitioning. I had to wait for a year or two for them to understand and show them that I am really persistent with the decision I made and the way I feel. I don't ask you to wait that long, but help you dad understand what you are going through. Send him some links, read some articles with him, and tell him to give you a chance by visiting a psychologist for assessing this. You ultimately need to have this therapy done. I am sure things will turn out just fine.

All the best.


Yashika

[Lily Rose]

It was my very first time. I'm not really professional. I just try to do it like tutorial.
Then it wasn't too bad. Shame I didn't bought enough make up materials.
Grandma said I look like my mom.
I was happy. I guess they would let me try. But they still can't accept.

  you are very brave and you should never forget this and what grandma said.

[DawnOday]

I bought some make up tools today.
My family found out and we had big argument.
They look disappointed. They can't accept this and says I'm born to be a man and think I'm not "normal".

I don't know why. I didn't do anything wrong or terrible.
I thought as long as I do not do anything wrong or illegal they would think I'm a decent person.
I didn't choose to be born as male or I didn't even ask to be born.

After the argument, I was going out and wandering alone.
I really don't want to stay home.
Dad said I just act like my mom when she was having argument with dad and leaving.
They asked me to put on make up right in front of them.
They said let me try.

It was my very first time. I'm not really professional. I just try to do it like tutorial.
Then it wasn't too bad. Shame I didn't bought enough make up materials.
Grandma said I look like my mom.
I was happy. I guess they would let me try. But they still can't accept.

Moms and Dads do that. They forget they are living the life that is agreeable to them. My kids though they ask for my advice and I try to give them both sides of the coin, they like that I do not judge. I just put the information out there and they live their life the way they want to. Ironically I thought my kids would be the most resentful towards me when I came out, but they were fabulous. Still are. It is nice when people support you but, get some therapy. It is a must and perhaps you can get group therapy so your Dad knows what you are going through. Find local support groups. My local group is The Rainbow Center in Tacoma, WA.  It is a lot easier when you can find someone that understands to talk to. In fact it is half the battle as confidence is a major factor in passing if that is your goal.  The only way to feel confident is when you have a group that supports your efforts. Don't be a stranger. Let us know how it comes out with your Dad. Mom at this point is not a concern. I know that sounds harsh but she is in a better place and you should cherish her memory but not let it rule your life. I speak from some experience as I pondered the death of my mother for four years. I became a drug addict because I thought it was helping with the pain. It wasn't, it just made things much more difficult to accept. Good luck to you. Just go up to your Dad. Give him a big hug and say. Pops we got to talk. I know writing takes some of the fear away but often leaves important details unsaid.