How do couples with one or more transitioning relate to each other?

[Raell]

Since my ex and I parted, both of us have discovered we are transgender.

I found out I'm partially transmale three years ago, and my ex recently emailed me that now he wants to live as a non-binary woman.

When we were together I was the wife..my house, my rules. He courted me, bought me gifts, took me on trips (he was an airline pilot/engineer), took me dancing, bought me flowers, etc.

My ex said she wants to come live with me.

My scepticism and my ex's past bad behavior aside, if this actually did happen, I don't know what the dynamics would be.

A high school friend recently transitioned at 60+ years. She took hormones, started dressing as a woman, but her wife, though furious about it, stayed with her. My friend remained obedient to her wife like the dutiful husband she had been for years, but she is only allowed to work at home, and had to move to a small town where nobody knows them.

I already tried to date a transwoman and she immediately tried to take over my life..I would work here, and we would live there, and she would decorate the house thus, etc...basically, reproducing her former lifestyle with her ex wife. I was alarmed, and broke up.

I remembered when I was the wife, I did as I pleased, and my husband helped me. I might be partially transmale, but I have too much female in me to be a docile, obedient husband.


So, my question is, how do transitioned couples in this forum manage their relationships in their new roles?

[JoanneB]

Seems more like "What is your definition of 'A Marriage'?" question to me. Sure things can be a bit more complicated when you add Trans into the mix.

To start with, I am a hopeless romantic. I also believe that marriage is a partnership. As with all things people, some are better at things the other isn't. So labor is suitably divided. Of course the odious scut-work jobs should also be divided/shared. Work & careers do complicate matters as you noted. Relocating for a job change is not a unilateral decision. You both have lives which are affected.

In a broad sense, a trans partner affects the type of personalities and conflicts that can arise from that and the unfulfilled gender based expectations. For example, my wife/BFF/GF/Reality-Therapist of some 40 years is also 30 years post-op. She also proudly proclaims what a "Sexist" she is while also being a free-spirited Hippy-Chick. She is also the first-born child and they have their own unique personality traits. Contrast that with me.... The baby of the family, in some ways also qualifies for first born male traits, along with the GD from age 4 onward and 2 failed transition experiments before we got serious.

Most times I do defer/cave to her wishes or decisions. Many to most times I knew I was unqualified or it simply wasn't all that important to me. Our biggest conflicts of sorts came about because of her sexism. As a "Guy" I was expected to be or do X, whereas I may be waiting on her. Root cause of conflict? Lack of communication. Another typical marital issue.

I guess it all comes down to assessing both of your levels of expectations and ability to have the sometime difficult discussions needed to peacefully coexist, have a shared life and dreams of a future, while also balancing individual needs and wants.

[Deborah]

I'm not sure that marriage is equivalent to one or the other being docile and obedient.  At least my marriage isn't that way.  Both of us are pretty hard headed so for some things there is cooperation and for other things one or the other goes off and does things without the other and without the other questioning it.  This seems to work.  The only thing that would really cause a severe conflict is one cheating on the other and fortunately that issue has never come up.


It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.
André Gide, Autumn Leaves