I write most reluctantly. I am fearful that I won't be of any help to you and irritate you and other members of our community for not singing the same song. It is certainly not my purpose to irritate anyone. Secondly, I try to use simple common sense when commenting since I don't have a wealth of experience. For instance, I have never been married so the ins and outs, the ups and downs of married life are simply a mystery to me. So here goes...
It seems to me that you are pinning all your hopes for happiness to the notion of transition. Unfortunately, that is like investing of all your money in one very risky venture. Transitioning isn't nirvana. All of the challenges you currently face in day to day living (money, relationships, etc.) and perhaps even more will still be there even if you transition. You may be putting on a different style, cut, color, etc. of jeans, but you will still be putting them on one leg at a time as you currently do. Life is a hard slog and happiness-handed-to-us-on-a-plate is the stuff of nonsense. Happiness is something that you have to work at no matter your gender identity. Find pleasure in little things. Delight in your accomplishments no matter how small and seemingly insignificant. Practice uplifting self-talk. Be positive even in the face of adversity. If you can't depend upon others to be the source of joy, work at bringing to joy to others. (This seems contradictory since you obviously need building up in this regard, but it can really help.)
In no way, manner, or shape do I want to diminish the challenges you face. One would have to be made of stone not to sense the difficulty you are having and to be concerned for you. All I am saying is that until the way forward becomes clear (if indeed it ever becomes clear), it is important for you to make the best life you can. Even the longest, most tortured journey begins with a single step. Tell yourself (repeatedly if necessary), I am going to be happy today no matter what. Be safe. Be as happy as you can be!
