Hey Everyone,
Up until about a year ago, I felt like my transition was going along pretty well. My fat seemed to be redistributing properly, I was developing breasts (still am), and my face and skin were looking fabulous. I feel like a lot has changed for the better and am in no way regretting HRT. After SRS however, things kind of changed for the worse.
I developed a really severe case of post anesthesia depression which sent me in a whirlwind of uncontrollable self destructive thoughts that hospitalized me on multiple occasions, sometimes having to stay hospitalized for weeks on end. It didn't help that I already have an extensive history of depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. I was confused and scared through the entire process. I didn't know what was happening to me and wondered if I was ever going to be "normal" ever again. Sadly, I witnessed just how bad the mental health system can be in the USA. I was shotgunned so many anti-psychotics that I honestly cant even remember which medications I was on. I was on about six at a time which kind of turned me into a zombie of sorts for a while. I kind of just felt dead inside. This not only had an impact on me mentally but physically too, i gained A LOT of weight while I was in there. Thankfully, my psychiatrist outside of the hospital saw how poorly they treated me and how I was on a bunch of unnecessary medications.
She then worked with me to slowly transition me off of those meds and on to a single medication that has honestly changed my life. I have never felt more in control of myself than I have probably throughout my entire life. Ever since that horrible hospital experience however I've packed on more weight than I have ever in my entire life. I'm now categorically obese and have developed stretchmarks on almost every part of my body.
They look horrible, they feel horrible to touch. I am almost ashamed to be naked anymore as I am remembered that they are there and how awful they are to look at and feel. I always ask my wife what she thinks of them and she reminds me that they aren't as bad as I think they are and that I do not look awful with them.
I just think about how I have worked so hard to transition and at the start I was working to stay fit, eat right, and just over all stay healthy. Now I'm here and I honestly feel like I'm living in a nightmare where my body has basically said "<not allowed> YOU".
I just don't know how to stop these thoughts. There are times when I can manage them but then I'm thrown right down a negative spiral every time I feel myself, see my skin, or see someone online talking about how they want to kill themselves just because they have a few stretch marks that are visible all while I'm here looking like a ->-bleeped-<-ing zebra!!!!
I really needed to vent and any helpful words are much appreciated.
Thank you all,
Athena
