Reading your replies, it made me think about my living experience. Carly, you said incompetent, clueless and slow and uncoordinated. I was all of that, and also a kind of rigid, I think mainly due to shame to show some "not acceptable", feminine move. I was terrified my whole life, and still am. Ironically, I hate some people that are dumb or one of the above things, and think they should not be like that. In those moments, I feel the judgement of who I consider superior to me, and to whom I cannot say you are wrong. Kind of fear.
In addition, I felt disconnected from others, especially in enjoying. I could call it depression, and maybe that was. There was no pleasure in doing things. Kind of strange: I said "there was no pleasure", instead of "I had no pleasure", as the reality was supposed to be like that for everyone. That hit so bad, as the years passed.
Holy crap...
I am so sad I felt all that for ask those years.
And I think it was not gender dysphoria, but the impossibility to express myself, as it was wrong. I can feel it since I was 3.
So damn sensitive...
But yes, I always felt to be blind to pleasure and satisfaction. My mother spotted that, and I don't know since when, but started to made me feel guilty about it...
And guilt was and still is my worst enemy...
Carly, do you think that what you are living now you are on hormones, is something that also depends on the fact that you are stronger in your self, and also respect to external judgement? Just a guess...
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