Hello girls! I am Saira, 21 yrs old. I recently came out to myself as a MtF transgender. I am studying medicine for the past 3 years. I was a very good student early on in my life but, for the past few years, I have lost my way.
I have experienced bouts of severe depression which have affected my academics. I have always credited my depression to a lack of interest, lack of motivation to study on my part. I have also suffered from severe social anxiety. But I began to understand that, the root cause of my problems was due to dysphoria.
The pain I am refering to in my title, I don't think it can be explained by medicine. The pain which you feel, and yet, you cannot attribute it to any specific part of your body. It is just present, continuously, living under your skin, making your throat dry and your chest heavy.
I found out that living with it is much easy, when you have got someone to share it with. So, I talk to my friends, as frequently as possible. Me writing this here, is also kind of therapeutic for me. But again, at the end of the day, when I go to bed, alone, the pain comes crawling back.
For my medicine degree, I have been living in a new city, in the Boys' Hostel for the past 3 years. This is when, I really started getting doubts about my gender identity. When I saw the way the boys behaved here, I started adapting myself and created a male shell, a hypermanly persona around me. Sometimes, I really get sick of pretending to be someone I am not.
I socialise fairly well with the guys here, but at the end of the day, I feel at ease, only when I lock myself in my room, my cocoon, where I can be me. These 3 years in the boys hostel have been for me, for lack of a better word, Traumatic.
I try to drop hints, whenever I can, be it the pink coloured wallpaper on my phone, or the perfume I wear. They just don't get it.
Now, I have made a very close circle of friends, a group which I can trust. They understand me and accept me , they accept my weird idiosyncracies, they accept me for who I really am.
The time has come for me, to peel off the final layer of my fake persona, and reveal to them my truest self.
I hope they will understand.
Thank you for reading this so patiently. This is really therapeutic for me, sharing with the world what I have been feeling. I am already feeling better. Thank you.
