Went to therapist today! I don’t know how to feel.... Please help?

[Strivexwolf]

Went to therapist today, and told her everything for the first time....

It wasn't easy, and I felt so exposed.... She definitely agreed I am experiencing and struggling with gender identity and coping poorly with it....

However she said she has to talk with co-workers about hormones as an option, and said to see her on a bi-weekly appointment basis from now on, but I have to wait a month out for the next one....

I don't know if this is a win, or a loss someone please assure me everything it's okay, and what I am going through is normal.... 😢😢😢😢All I want to do is binge eat, and pretend I don't feel naked, and hopeless..... 😭😭😭😭

[amandam]

You're okay! Progress! Remember, one month is not a long time. Get busy, look at nature, just try to chill.

[Strivexwolf]

You're okay! Progress! Remember, one month is not a long time. Get busy, look at nature, just try to chill.

I'm trying.... I just feel like I'm losing it, I'm even binge eating....
I don't want to be the man my body Is trying to become I just want to be a woman, I tried telling her that. I tried telling her it's like my body is trying to consume who I am.... I felt terrible for telling the truth, and the truth is my own skin sickens me, and looking at my masculine self in the mirror makes me feel like I am looking at the devil in Prada.

I tried telling her that.... I tried I was panicking and trying my hardest I almost went to begging for her to help me, but my time was up.... I feel miserable I have never came out to anyone on that level of truth.... I just want to be a woman, why did I have to be born like this and feel like this why!!!! Cannot stand looking at myself even.... 😢😭😢😭

[Northern Star Girl]

@Strivexwolf
It is almost never "easy" the very first time going to a therapist for gender related issues.  Also, a big factor is that you are extremely nervous and apprehensive....  and your new therapist is trying to play catch-up trying to get to know you, earn your trust, and to understand your specific spoken an unspoken problem that need to be addressed.

As a side note, binge eating and feeling hopeless will only hamper you and not help you in your trans journey.
A alternative to self depreciation and a good option is to look for a local support group for trans* people in your area?  Sometimes they allow supporters(such as spouses and family members) to sit in on group.   Your therapist may be aware of any such groups in your area.   Also you can mention your general location here on one of your threads or posts and perhaps get some suggestions from other transitioners that are presently involve in support groups.

I am wishing you well and I sincerly hope that you can develop trust in your therapist and perhaps find a support group to get involve in.

I will be eagerly looking for your update.
Best Wishes,
Danielle

[itsApril]

However she said she has to talk with co-workers about hormones as an option, and said to see her on a bi-weekly appointment basis from now on, but I have to wait a month out for the next one....

Not sure where you are located, but in the United States most therapists are not medical doctors, but rather psychologists or clinical social workers.  So they are not licensed to prescribe drugs or hormones directly.

Generally speaking, you should be evaluated by an endocrinologist before starting HRT to identify any medical issues and see what your baseline blood work is like before starting to alter your body chemistry with hormones.  Hormones are serious drugs, so if your therapist is arranging for endocrinology consultation, that's a good thing.  If you're not sure what she's doing, ask her.  (She works for YOU!)

. . . I felt terrible for telling the truth, and the truth is my own skin sickens me, and looking at my masculine self in the mirror makes me feel Life I am looking at the devil in Prada.

I tried telling her that.... I tried I was panicking and trying my hardest I almost went to begging for her to help me, but my time was up. . . .

Take a deep breath!  You just did the hardest part of the whole therapeutic process by laying it out to her for the first time.

I suggest "lowering the temperature" a little bit with her.  You don't want to come across as needy or desperate.  Therapists are more willing to facilitate transition if they think the patient is thinking clearly and rationally, because they think that people carried away by emotion or need may not be making good decisions.  Good therapists will do some "reality testing" to make sure you understand the implications of transition and have realistic plans and expectations.

Since you're going to be seeing the therapist in regard to gender identity anyway, you may also want to talk with her to get some input into stress reduction.  A good therapist can steer you to methods that are a lot more productive than binge eating.

Congratulations on taking this very courageous first step.  Most of us here have been where you're standing right now.  Some people go through their whole lives suffering in silence.  Whatever the future holds for you, you are now on the path to finding the way forward.

[StacyRenee]

This is normal. You're doing great! Your therapist is doing research to learn what should be done to give you a referral for hormones. It usually takes a few months. Waiting patiently is difficult, but use your time with your therapist to learn more about coping skills and how to accept yourself. You have to accept yourself before anyone else can. You're on your way!

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[Bea1968]

Sounds like she does not have a lot of experience with gender dysphoria but that isn't so bad.  She sounds like she is taking some time to give it thought, do some research and consult her peers.  Those are all good things.  When I first came out to my therapist she treated it like I had a cognitive dissonance....that I was failing to perceive reality correctly.  She has stuck with me and has questioned a lot along the way but she is now my biggest cheerleader. It takes time but good things can happen.

Best regards,

Bea

[Rachel]

Hi, when I did my intake I was a mess. I really was not stable at the time. The place I went to is informed consent. They do a blood test and you return a week later and get a script and fill it at their pharmacy. Because I was not stable I had to see a therapist and wait 5 months to go on HRT.

Looking back I was so embarrassed to admit I was trans. I hated the idea due to having it pounded into me I was different and needed to conform. Well, I am a transsexual fully transitioned and I love being me. It took a lot to erase the hate.

One step at a time. Just remember you are unique and beautiful. The rest is just someone's hate you need to get rid of and the sooner the better.

[Ricki Wright]

Congratulations! You have said out loud, to another human being, about who you are. Every journey begins with a first step and you took it. A sad truth is many don't and have a quiet, miserable, life. I suspect that for a variety of reasons, some people who are in denial cope with it by attacking the very group(s) they wish they could be apart of (*cough* Mike Pence *cough*).

I understand entirely the "I am done NOT living my life and I want to live as me right NOW!" feelings. I am still coming to  terms that I may never "pass". I am old and will never get to live as me at a younger age. I will share with you some strategies I have used to help offset the gender/body dysphoria which are doable without HRT. I feel that everything I can do to live as me allows me to take back a little bit of myself I have been denied over the course of my life.

TLDR version: Many little steps have helped me.

Some of these may not resonate with you. I am sharing what I did to take back control of my body and myself:

Started getting Electrolysis on my face. Each hair that did not come back was a win for me.
Started sitting to P
Started wearing girls underwear
Avoid clothes that seem male (I donated a lot of clothes to goodwill, which made room for the new clothes and that made me happy)
Started Wearing non binary garments. Cute girly garments are still outside my comfort/safety zone
Started wearing girls jeans that could pass as tight fitting male jeans
Lost weight (I cut 90% of the sugar out of my diet and I lost 6lbs a month for the first 4 months)
Found youtube transition videos that inspired me
Find a great therapist. You may need to talk to more than 1 to find a person you are comfortable with. (I had to wait 3 months to get on a regular schedule with mine. That was rough...)
Get your ear(s) pierced
Play with makeup. I can almost guarantee you will not be impressed with the first several attempts.(There are 1000's of hours of beginner tutorials on youtube)
Started voice lessons

While HRT is a large part of my transition, it is by no means the only part. HRT is not THE solution, but one part of the entire solution.

Breath. Hug yourself. Prepare for a journey that will take a year or more and enjoy the scenery along the way. Figure out what you want to bring with you and find room in the car for it.

Cheers,


Ricki