Uncomfort and embarassement about therapy.

[Karlee]

Hi Dena,

Thank you! That is a comforting thought. It's really easy to get overwhelmed and caught up in everything, as if it is the "be all or end all" type scenario. Take a deep breath!

I think I'm starting to get a bit more confidence to take some more steps in this journey. I guess all you can really do is try it out. Celebrate the little wins and milestones along the way, and learn from the setbacks and bumps as well.

I'm well versed in bumps so far. In some sense, I guess I'm just being cautious and careful (like I always am) which isn't a bad thing. But, in another sense, I feel like I'm procrastinating and letting it all slip away. Truth be told, I wish that had happened sooner.

But, it all happens for a reason.

Thanks! Much love,
Karlee.x

[Sophia Sage]

Dawn and Dena have great words of wisdom.  There's no time like the present to get started.  And if you realize that it's really not for you, you can always put on the brakes, even go back.  (Well, SRS is pretty irreversible, but I think you get the idea.) In the meantime, there are good people all over the place, like Alora, who already see you for who you are, assuming that being female is indeed your personal truth.

I think I'm most afraid of making the wrong decision and not being accepted. As you mentioned, if everyone viewed me as a woman and accepted that, then there would be no fear, and it'd feel more like the right decision. I wouldn't be scared, because I could be who I am, and can live my life without fear. It would feel good.

Well, first of all, just going by your profile pic, you've already got a lot going for you.  You can be happy about that.

I hope you've read enough about the process to know that if you want people to consistently gender you female (what is called "passing" in the community, a nice short word but kind of problematic in its implications), you'll need to evaluate your overall presentation.  Besides therapy and hormones, there's facial hair removal and voice training to attend to, at the bare minimum.  Those are both things that are good to get started on immediately.

For several reasons, actually.  I mean, first off, they both take a lot of time to do, and if you do end up choosing to transition, it's good to have a jump start on them.  Second, over time, they will give you a better idea if this is what you really want. They make it easier to gender yourself female, which in turn will help to inform your feelings, which is all you can really go on to determine if this is right for you.  And it's really something, the first time you get ma'amed on the phone. 

I started electrolysis, therapy, and voice work all at about the same time, and went at it for six months before even starting HRT.  Like you, I needed to be accepted as a woman if I was going to do this, so I needed to prove to myself that I could handle the zapping, that I could hone my voice, and that I was really making sense of all my feelings, which is what the therapy is really for.  (And sure, this was "back in the day" as I like to call it, but even in the age of gatekeeping the good therapists really wanted to do therapy.)

It doesn't happen all at once.  It's called "transition" because it takes time.

Getting caught up and (falsely and hurtfully) comparing my situation to other trans stories (I think) lead to thinking that I wasn't exactly dysphoric. A lot of people have a lot more (and severe) dysphoria for me, but ultimately, as we're all individuals, it's probably hindering my progress to think that, because I'm not like them, that I'm not a real transgender girl.

Yeah, that line of thinking wasn't really on track, and I'm glad you recognize that. It's not a question of whether you're "trans enough," it's just a question of how you feel about being gendered one way or the other -- which is how you'll know if you're truly female in spirit.  How you get to that realization, one way or the other, doesn't really matter.

I didn't grow up dysphoric, for example -- I had glimpses of it, sure, but I was very good at repressing it and keeping it out of mind.  Which meant for less suffering, but then I didn't get around to transitioning until my early thirties, so I missed out on some of my youth spent properly. 

Everyone's story is different. 

All that matters is what's right for you.  Which is why...

I've always felt like I needed someone to "confirm" that what I was feeling was accurate. This has been something that has always been a part of me - external validation to confirm that I'm doing the right thing.

...you can't really rely on external validation.  Yes, it sure feels good!  I'm a praise junkie myself.  But this is about who you are.  And that's something only you can determine.  You're the one who has to live with yourself. 

What good therapy entails is lots of questions that get you to examine your feelings and thoughts, to the point where you can conceptualize them and verbalize them, wrap your head around them so you can clarify what you really want... and then you can move on to figuring out how to get it.  And you're right, you get so used to hiding it (tell me about it) that it's very difficult to open up and admit what you're really feeling.

Because it's scary.  Because once those feelings really start to come out, they can be intense.  Not to mention the implications of what we can really do when we set our minds to it.

Finally, one last word about transition.  Mind you, I'm usually the first one to point out what it takes to get consistently gendered the way you want, and I have very strong opinions about that and how much it helps to deal with what we have to deal with.  But even if that never happens, even if it's clear to everyone what your deal is because of issues to do with your embodiment or whatever, that is still infinitely better than hiding behind the wrong gendering.  Because simply by virtue of transitioning, there will be a lot of people who will still gender you correctly, who will see the truth of the spirit inside you.  And that's what this is really all about.  The rest is (admittedly incredible) icing on the cake.

Yours,
Sophie

[Karlee]

Hi Sophia,

I am so grateful for Dawn and Dena for their wise words, Alora for her acceptance of me, and yourself for being so compassionate and helpful. Honestly, words cannot describe my gratitude. <3

I feel a lot more comfort in knowing that no major decisions need to be made at this point. I don't think I could possibly (without the assistance of a counselor, at least) be in a position to make such decisions. I've got a bit of baggage and a lot of variables in my situation.

Well, first of all, just going by your profile pic, you've already got a lot going for you.  You can be happy about that.

Thank you so much! Passing is one of my biggest concerns. I'm humbled to know that I have the potential to pass as a female. Makes me feel butterflies inside!

I've read a lot on passing to try and quell some fears. Honestly (and I don't know if this is shallow) but passing is very important to me. I've looked very much into HRT, hair regrowth/transplants and vocal training over the years (off and on). The results can be quite extraordinary, but I understand that it is a time consuming effort. After all, "Rome wasn't built in a day", and I won't suddenly appear female overnight.

I like the way you went about things. It makes a lot of sense! Did you find that it worked well for you to do things like that?

I'm definitely going to get back into therapy very soon. I've tracked down some contact and pricing details of a counselor not too far from me (but it is out of hours at the moment), so I'll get in touch with them soon. At least it'll be a foundation and platform for me to get the ball rolling; it'll act as that "nudge" for finally being accountable for this part of me and take action. I'm just trying my hardest not to chicken out or feel shame/embarrassment (like last time) and stick with it!

How you get to that realization, one way or the other, doesn't really matter.

I think that my realization kind of comes in the form of "gender euphoria" instead of (primarily) dysphoria. I get tingly, butterfly sensations when imagining myself been gendered as a female, having long feminine hair, wearing dresses and seeing a feminine figure in the mirror.

I remember once hearing that transition should be avoided if it's not a "be all or end all" type situation, which frustrated me. I could live a life as a male, though it'd probably be quite unfulfilling and miserable. I'd still be daydreaming daily about being a female and not being able to fully concentrate. But, and again, it's probably me engaging in a line of thought that was way off track and unhelpful.

At the end of the day, as you've mentioned, it's about what I feel and what I want. Subscribing to generalizations and stereotypes, as you've helped me realize, has harmed me more than helped. I got myself into a rut, filled myself with doubts and internalized transphobia, and kept going around in a pointless circle.

...you can't really rely on external validation

Glad that I'm not the only praise junkie around!

I know a lot of why I need external validation, and why I have so many doubts, is because nobody around me (in person) really gets it. I hear them talk about transgender people in a way which makes them out to be "wrong" and "not normal". I've had the person closest to me say "if you ever did that to me, we'd be done!" (referencing Caitlyn Jenner), and that is a real hurtful thing to be exposed to.

Because of this, I feel so uncomfortable on the trans topic that I can't engage. I can't talk about it, nor watch anything about it on TV.

Granted, as trans people are uncommon, they're none the wiser that I am struggling with this on a daily basis. How could they? I always acted the male part - sports, girlfriends, working in male-dominated industries, growing beards etc. The point being, I value these people so much in my life, and to hear that they would only value me if I conform to the "norms" and not regardless of who I am really hurts. It makes it so much harder.

But I know (well, at least I should know) that you shouldn't have these kinds of people in your life. And that is another bitter pill to swallow. (See what I mean by baggage?).

I'm usually the first one to point out what it takes to get consistently gendered the way you want, and I have very strong opinions about that and how much it helps to deal with what we have to deal with.

I second that. We're already made to feel "second class" by a lot of people. Being misgendered and clocked by society makes everything that we work for all the more difficult and less satisfying. But you're right - it's not about what other think, but more what we think and how we feel.

What a wonderful icing it would be, though.


Sophia, you're amazing. I cannot thank you enough for your time and compassion in talking to me. It truly makes all the difference. I am blessed (and now really, really glad that I posted this) that you took the time to comfort me and make me feel more at ease with myself.

I wish there were more people like you in this world. It'd be a much better place. <3

Much love to you and all the people who have taken the time to talk to me.
Karlee.x