It's hard to know what to say when we tell our loved ones about this. There's so much to say, and it can be terrifying to just consider telling them. I struggled a lot with the idea of telling them, and then one day I just had the urge to tell them, and I sat down to write them an email. We don't live near each other and we aren't especially close, so this seemed the easiest way to do it.
It took a few days to hear back from everyone, so expect people to take some time, process the news, and figure out how to reply. It's a nerve wracking wait, but all we can do is be patient.
Here's what I told them:
Hi guys,
I have a bit of news about some changes in my life. It's nothing bad, but probably a little surprising. At least, that's how I see it
I'll get right to it: I've started seeing a therapist about some gender identity issues. I've realized over the last year that I am transgendered, which is a blanket term for anyone who does not fully identify as their genetic sex. This is difficult to tell anyone, since there is a lot of misinformation out there about what it means to be trans, so I figure that it'd make sense to explain what the current medical and psychological understanding is. You know me, it should be no surprise that I've been researching the hell out of this!
During fetal development, we start out as female, and then depending on genetics and hormones, male features start to develop. Genetics determine our physical sex and the body parts that identify them. However, once our boy/girl bits are developed, they start producing estrogen or testosterone. These hormones are what control the rest of the gendered development.
One area that is affected by these hormones is the brain. Our brains are gendered -- there are well-understood physical and functional differences between the brains of men and women (I list some references later...). Depending on hormonal levels during development, sometimes a male's brain doesn't fully "androgenize", or become male, and we're left with a lot of the female characteristics. This is psychologically a problem: the brain develops expecting to have an estrogen/testosterone ratio in the female range, but since the hormone-producing organs are male, we're left with too much testosterone and not enough estrogen. The same thing can happen with genetic females -- they sometimes undergo partial androgenation and experience similar symptoms. This hormonal imbalance is the root cause of what is termed 'gender dysphoria', or a feeling of misalignment between one's physical sex and the gender they identify as.
Now, the frustrating thing is that this information has been common knowledge in the medical communities since about 1994, and ->-bleeped-<- has not been considered a mental illness for decades. Yet, our culture still labels us as 'perverts' and commonly assumes us to be mentally ill. I hope that my family will be able to see past these uninformed/misinformed stereotypes and accept me for me, and make an effort to replace these outdated views with a more informed understanding.
So who am I? Well, I'm still figuring that out with my therapist. ->-bleeped-<- is a spectrum, and some of us are full-on 'transsexuals' (people that eventually go on to fully transition to the opposite gender), while others are 'non-binary' (people who have both male and female characteristics and prefer to present androgynously), and we can fall anywhere in between those labels. There are a variety of surgical, medical, and psychological ways to achieve transition, and none, any, or all of them are used to treat specific cases of gender dysphoria -- each case is different.
Personally, I'm not exactly sure where I'm at yet. I started out feeling non-binary, but as I've started working through these feelings I've become more and more interested in transitioning. Whether or not I will, I don't know. It's a long process, and I see no reason to rush into any decisions. I see my therapist tomorrow, and we'll be discussing HRT (hormone replacement therapy). I'll be setting up an appointment with an endocrinologist next week to start taking estrogen and testosterone blockers. This should help with some of my depression and dysphoria. Right now, that's as far as I plan to go in the transition process -- fix the hormones, and re-evaluate things from a clearer perspective.
By now you've probably got some questions. I'll try to answer the obvious ones:
Q) What does my wife think of all this?
A) She's been great. She's supportive and we're actually growing closer because of it. I'm coming out of a shell that I've been hiding in for decades, and I feel like a new person. As a result, we're able to connect more and communicate better. She understands what I'm going through and where I might end up, yet still stands beside me. I feel very blessed to have her!
Q) Are you going to have 'the big surgery'?
A) That's definitely not something I want. It's expensive, and it wouldn't help me. Some trans people are really, really uncomfortable with their genitals, but I'm not one of them. I wouldn't benefit from it, so it's not worth the trouble.
Q) This seems sort of sudden. Why didn't this come up sooner?
A) Repression is a hell of a thing. To be blunt, after getting my ass kicked for being a "f****t" a few times in school, I learned to hide this part of my personality. I've basically been pretending for a long time -- doing what 'boys should do' instead of being me, mainly for my own safety. However, I'm learning that I'm in a more accepting community now, and that cultural perspectives are changing. I don't have anyone in my life who I think would have a problem with me being me now, and I'm better prepared to handle it if problems arise. So now I'm more comfortable coming out and being me
I've been holding this secret for a long time now, but I feel like I need to tell the people I love about it for my own sake of mind. Keeping this hidden from you all was starting to feel dishonest, and I could feel it creating distance between us.
Q) So, do I want to be addressed differently now?
A) While there's a big stink being made in the news about pronouns, I'm pretty laid back. I've taken to the name "Allison/Allie" when letting my female side out at home/therapy, but I don't expect anyone to use it, nor to use she/her to address me. This might change, but I'm not there yet. I'm still presenting as male at work and in public, so I'm used to bouncing back and forth and I won't be offended if you call me him/her/he/she/whatever.
Q) This is all a bit much. Is there anything I can read to get a better understanding of what's going on with you?
A) Yes! Dr. Anne Vitale has done a lot of work with trans clients and has some fantastically insightful writings:
http://www.avitale.com/Essaylist.htmhttp://www.avitale.com/TNotelist.htmThis in particular is one of my favorite essays. It covers a lot:
http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htmI'm definitely in her "G3" group.
So...that's all I can think of. Sorry about writing a book, but I had a lot to say and I wanted to make sure I got it all out. I'll be around here and there tonight/over the weekend if you want to call and talk, or email me, or whatever. I hope this news won't cause any trouble between us, but obviously I'd like to keep it between us. I'm not out yet at work or to most of my friends, and I'd like to have some control over how (or if) the news spreads.
As a side note, I know I've been distant over the years, and I barely keep in touch. I'm hoping that as I start to feel more comfortable letting my personality out, instead of trying to fake one, I'll start wanting to socialize/talk more. I'm already feeling more sociable and open, hopefully letting this secret go will help me reconnect with all of you :-)
I love you all! <3
