I am just starting to realize that I might be a transgender

[Saira128]

 Hello everyone! I am new here and this is my first post here. I hope you lovely people can guide me .

About me-

  My real name is xxxxx and I am thinking of going by the name of Saira henceforth. I was born male. I had a happy childhood and I have very loving parents. I have a sister too. I am currently 21 yrs old.

My problem- I am having serious doubts about my gender since a few months, but I have been crossdressing since I was 16 yrs old. When I resee my life till now, I think that I have been pretending at every step, pretending to really love sports in school, pretending to follow the societal norms about being male, pretending to really be a man by growing out my beard. But still, I feel very hollow inside. I feel that something is missing.

About my crossdressing- 

I began crossdressing when I was 16 yrs old, but the earliest memories of me crossdressing are when I was 6-7 yrs of age.

I used to get up at night, and tell my grandmother to dress me up in my sister's skirt and I would go round and round and twirl the skirt..I was the happiest child in the world in those few moments.

I have always had a fascination about females and I know there is something more to it than sexual attraction. Whenever I watch a beautiful female, I imagine how my life would have been if.

When I was 16 yrs old, I started  crossdressing again but this time, it was not just me feeling good, but there was some sexual element attached to it. Sure, I still got the warm feeling in my heart, after wearing a female garment but I dismissed that feeling at that time because I was immature.

When the real problem started- 

I started dreaming about being a girl a few months ago. This time, I couldn't control my urges. Since then, I have been leading a double life.

My parents don't know anything about my gender issues, nor do my friends. No one suspects anything. But I feel like being trapped in a prison.

Whenever I am in my room, I research articles about being transgender obsessively, I took the COGIATI ( I am not really sure whether it is dependable ) and everything indicates that I might be a MtF transgender. I have yet to meet a therapist, yet to inform my parents.

So my life is completely messed up right now. I just want to tell my parents and get it off my chest. I think they will understand because both my parents are doctors.

Also I forgot to mention that I am an Indian and being transgender is not really accepted here.

I have been suffering from depression since a couple of years, and so I am at a really bad place right now.

I just wanted to share my problems with someone, some like minded people who might have gone through the same problems so I googled my condition, and google sent me at your door step.

I am sorry, I am rambling for a while now..please just reply and give me some tips about coming out to my parents.

Thank you for listening and understanding.

- yours truly,
Saira128

[Michelle_P]

Hi, Saira!

Your story sounds very familiar.  I think a number of us have been along a similar path, with a childhood urge to present as female in some form, resurfacing in puberty with more intensity, and then finally realizing what sort of possibilities might describe us in our twenties.

There are lots of friendly folks around here, although most are asleep right now. 

I expect the official moderators will be along shortly to welcome you and provide some good info.

Meanwhile, it sounds like you are looking for advice on how to come out.  I'm not very good at that, as I came out in a spectacular meltdown at age 62.  It often helps to try and write down what you want to say in the form of a short letter, not to deliver to anyone, but simply to marshal your thoughts and decide on the best way to inform others.

Your parents are doctors, and you are a young adult, both great advantages in the situation.  Your parents are likely more open than most to accepting the existance of transgender people, and understanding that someone's being trans is not anyone's fault.  You know them better than any stranger on the Internet, of course, so you should have some idea of what they think of transgender people.

Just relax and try to imagine how the conversation might go, and write it in letter form.  When you decide to talk to them, you might want that letter on hand to refer to if you find them a little intimidating.

Just some thoughts.  The younger folks here will likely have some better ideas for you.

Welcome to Susan's Place, and I hope you find what you need here!

[Saira128]

Hi, Sara!

Your story sounds very familiar.  I think a number of us have been along a similar path, with a childhood urge to present as female in some form, resurfacing in puberty with more intensity, and then finally realizing what sort of possibilities might describe us in our twenties.

There are lots of friendly folks around here, although most are asleep right now. 

I expect the official moderators will be along shortly to welcome you and provide some good info.

Meanwhile, it sounds like you are looking for advice on how to come out.  I'm not very good at that, as I came out in a spectacular meltdown at age 62.  It often helps to try and write down what you want to say in the form of a short letter, not to deliver to anyone, but simply to marshal your thoughts and decide on the best way to inform others.

Your parents are doctors, and you are a young adult, both great advantages in the situation.  Your parents are likely more open than most to accepting the existance of transgender people, and understanding that someone's being trans is not anyone's fault.  You know them better than any stranger on the Internet, of course, so you should have some idea of what they think of transgender people.

Just relax and try to imagine how the conversation might go, and write it in letter form.  When you decide to talk to them, you might want that letter on hand to refer to if you find them a little intimidating.

Just some thoughts.  The younger folks here will likely have some better ideas for you.

Welcome to Susan's Place, and I hope you find what you need here!

Thank you Michelle. I am Saira( not Sarah [emoji134] btw ) but I guess the name is not so common in the west. Yes, I didn't consider the time difference when I typed my message so most of you ladies will be asleep now. I am proud of you Michelle. And it is an honour to be amongst the likes of you lovely ladies. I know my english is not that good, considering it is not my first language, but I'll still try to comunicate my thoughts as clearly as possible. Thank you for replying. I hope I can be as courageous as you in coming out.

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[Michelle_P]

Sorry about the name misspelling.  Silly autocorrect software assumes Western European/American names.  Another bit of cultural tunnel vision.  I fixed it.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. It's about 10:45 PM here and the Australia is next in line at late afternoon. Most of the time when you put up a post it can take several hours and up to a day for a response.

Before coming out to you parents it's best to know as much as possible. We are willing to answer your question and you can learn a great deal by looking at what people have posted in the past. You can also look at our wiki where you will find coming out letters and far more. I also worked on a coming out letter that you might not want to use but the information could be helpful when you have your discussion with your parents. Just let us know what you need and we will do our best to help you.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Things that you should read

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

[Saira128]

Oh! You don't need to say sorry. Its alright. I really have some very basic questions about my identity. Can I message you? Only if you are okay with it.

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[Saira128]

Welcome to Susan's Place. It's about 10:45 PM here and the Australia is next in line at late afternoon. Most of the time when you put up a post it can take several hours and up to a day for a response.

Before coming out to you parents it's best to know as much as possible. We are willing to answer your question and you can learn a great deal by looking at what people have posted in the past. You can also look at our wiki where you will find coming out letters and far more. I also worked on a coming out letter that you might not want to use but the information could be helpful when you have your discussion with your parents. Just let us know what you need and we will do our best to help you.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Things that you should read

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Thank you Dena[emoji2]

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[Susan]

Welcome to the Site! I edited your initial post to make it more readable paragraph breaks are your friend! I also deleted the two is anyone there posts.

You are in a tough situation being from India! I generally rate the society in being about 30 years behind the U.S. With that being said it takes brave people like yourself to make things easier for those who follow behind them.

[Saira128]

Thank you very much Susan. I think the society gap is more than 30 yrs between our countries. Thank you for the edits and the two deleted posts. I was in a very bad state of mind then, and I couldn't help but quote Pink Floyd. 😀
       I am already feeling much better about myself after talking to some ladies over here.
     Thank you.

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[bluepaint]

Saira , Google did send you to the right doorstep! lol Welcome to Susan's Place!  please dont feel shy in posting your questions in this forum, theres a wealth of experience and knowledge here in the many super people that can answer them if they can!  I personally I found that when you start to share, you see that you are not alone feeling the things you are going through and that in itself is a big comfort when we are new and unsure in being trans!   hope to hear more from you!  Julie [emoji177]   


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[bluepaint]

Thank you very much Susan. I think the society gap is more than 30 yrs between our countries. Thank you for the edits and the two deleted posts. I was in a very bad state of mind then, and I couldn't help but quote Pink Floyd. [emoji3]
       I am already feeling much better about myself after talking to some ladies over here.
     Thank you.

Sent from my SM-G930F using Tapatalk

big Pink floyd fan here! [emoji106][emoji41]   "just nod if you can hear me, is there anyone at home ?" lol


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[Saira128]

Saira , Google did send you to the right doorstep! lol Welcome to Susan's Place!  please dont feel shy in posting your questions in this forum, theres a wealth of experience and knowledge here in the many super people that can answer them if they can!  I personally I found that when you start to share, you see that you are not alone feeling the things you are going through and that in itself is a big comfort when we are new and unsure in being trans!   hope to hear more from you!  Julie [emoji177]   


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Thank you Julie. You really are very loving and kind. I have been shy my whole life, I intend to change here. Just wondering, whether my shyness was a result of my gender dysphoria...

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[Saira128]

big Pink floyd fan here! [emoji106][emoji41]   "just nod if you can hear me, is there anyone at home ?" lol


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"Nods"  [emoji2]

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[AnxietyDisord3r]

Thank you Julie. You really are very loving and kind. I have been shy my whole life, I intend to change here. Just wondering, whether my shyness was a result of my gender dysphoria...

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I was painfully shy and fearful as a child. I wonder if that was connected as well. My parents were already trying to convince me I was a "girl girl" and not the "boy girl" I labeled myself as. It's painful to me every time I'm misgendered and it probably made me hate social situations and people.

[Saira128]

I was painfully shy and fearful as a child. I wonder if that was connected as well. My parents were already trying to convince me I was a "girl girl" and not the "boy girl" I labeled myself as. It's painful to me every time I'm misgendered and it probably made me hate social situations and people.

Yes...I face the same thing everyday. Even today, I have anxiety talking to a person face to face or even on the telephone. I don't know why, but I have no problem talking to people who I already know, its just the unknown people that scare me.
     Even today, when I face a girl, I get intimidated, but I fake my man - ness and try to talk.
      I don't know whether my social anxiety is a by-product of my gender issues or they are a stand alone problem, but it is a problem nonetheless.
      I'm just living right now, 1 day, 1 moment at a time.
             Thank you for your comment AnxietyDisord3r.