Breaking Point

[needadvice]

I've been spiraling downhill lately. largely because being treated as male in every social situation triggers me to the point of wanting to end it. I'm so exhausted and done and sick of everything and I can't even get the words out/typed. I'm so uncomfortable with my body and current social position/role that I literally don't think I can live much longer like this. It has to change or I can't be here anymore.

I'm starting to fully come to terms with the emotional abuse/manipulation that my parents put me through when I first told them I was trans (like 3-4 years ago).  I was getting ready to move out for college and wanted my life to be different, I wanted people to know I was female from the start. I was being naive, but the things they said to me have damaged me and impeded my development since. They said things like "no parent should ever be forced to accept this," "everybody is going to laugh at you," "I cannot support you mutilating your body" etc. Like I know I need to be able to move on with my life but I've always been sheltered and hearing these things from my parents like shut down my social/identity development. I feel like I haven't matured much since high school. I've never been intimate with a guy, don't feel real connections with others, don't even really have much of a sense of self. I feel blank and empty a lot of the time, and angry and depressed the rest of the time.

And even beyond the scare tactics from the two people in my life who should love and treasure me the most, I have a lot of issues with being trans itself. I am so uncomfortable with my body and genitals that it doesn't even feel like mine. I don't even really know how to explain it, but it just feels like it's there, not like ME. Not sure if that makes sense. I also am deeply disturbed that I cannot have the sexual life I want for two reasons. First, my genital region is not equipped to be penetrated, and I can't give pleasure to or get pleasure from a man. And also, no man that I would be interested in would be interested in me anyway. So I have no sex life and I really don't see that changing.

I also feel deeply uncomfortable in any situation in which I am gendered (which is every situation, because gender is seemingly the most basic and important thing to most people...). Today at Thanksgiving, male family members came up and said hi and put their fist out, like how guys will fist bump. I don't understand that and it makes me uncomfortable. I also had an aunt tell me that I look more mature than the last time I saw her and that I look "manly." Literally wanted to scream and run from the room. On my med school interviews I have to wear a suit and tie and that symbol of masculinity being forced on me makes me want to die, plain and simple. And literally any social situation getting called "man" or guys looking at me as a male and not as a potential female partner. It makes me angry and depressed.

I don't even know if any of this makes sense. I just wanted to kind of let it out. I've been trying to talk to some friends who are generally more supportive but they've been no use. I've been talking a lot to my one friend about being trans and I asked him today "can you just tell me something nice? I'm having a terrible time" and he said "uh, you're a nice guy." What??? "Oh, I call everyone guy and dude." No, those are not gender neutral terms.

AHHHHHHHHH

[KathyLauren]

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling isolated and unsupported. 

Does your college have a counselling unit?  You should see a gender therapist to sort out your feelings and plan how to manage your dysphoria.  The college counsellors can probably help you find one.

[Sophia Sage]

Have you considered transitioning?

[Rachel]

I am sorry you are going through this.

Dysphoria does not go away and it gets worse with age.

At some point you will seek help. If you are proactive then seek help now. Low dose HRT can help with dysphoria and take time to make changes. Then when comfortable you could ramp up the hrt.

Live for yourself today because you are worth it

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Congrats, sounds like you are suffering from dysphoria, especially when you talk about your body not being yours. Also, when you said you feel blank most of the time that can be dysphoria as well. I had those feelings a lot before I came out.

It's painful that your parents did this but you are an adult now and it's time for you to take charge. My parents messed me up career wise when I was about your age and I've been paying for it ever since. It turns out that parents aren't all wise and all knowing and that we have to take charge of our own lives and be responsible for ourselves. Have you given any thought to starting hormone therapy? Your mental outlook might improve a lot on it. Have you given any thought to small steps to expressing femininity, like painting your nails or adding a colorful scarf to your outfit?

[Janes Groove]

"no parent should ever be forced to accept this,"

This is not about them accepting this. This is about you. It's your life.
Also, that sounds profoundly selfish.



Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
-Kahlil Gibran

"everybody is going to laugh at you,"

I'm not laughing. No one here on Susan's is laughing. If you find a real life trans support group (which are totally anonymous by the way and will provide you with much-needed positive support), I guarantee you no one will be laughing.  Personally, I take gender dysphoria as serious as a heart attack.
Also, I don't know them, but just based on that they sound pretty shallow.

"I cannot support you mutilating your body"

This one is just woefully, painfully and deliberately obtuse. No. Just no. Can they support your suicidal ideation then? Can they support you ending up as just another trans statistic?  Because that involves some pretty harsh body mutilation. And not the good kind either.

I have lived this. Unsupportive, homophobic and transphobic parents.  People who should have been in my corner and helped me with my positive personal growth in life and instead were my biggest roadblock.  I wasted years and years and years trying to live up to there expectations and to please them and now that they are out of the picture all I am left with is anger and regret. 

Have you considered transitioning?

It does seem to me that Occam's Razor might be something to consider.

[Daria67]

I've been spiraling downhill lately. largely because being treated as male in every social situation triggers me to the point of wanting to end it. I'm so exhausted and done and sick of everything and I can't even get the words out/typed. I'm so uncomfortable with my body and current social position/role that I literally don't think I can live much longer like this. It has to change or I can't be here anymore.

I can totally understand the pain and frustration you have expressed here. Every time someone calls me "Sir" or "Mister" it hurts; every time.  I will say that I am developing, slowly, ways to cope with these constant reminders that my outward appearance is not yet congruent with the woman I am inside, but it is slow going and there are days that I feel pretty crushed. All I can say is that they do not define you, you do. Simple words, true, but we can only keep our own counsel when it comes to the daily pains we encounter. Yes, it is hard and yes, it will get better!

I'm starting to fully come to terms with the emotional abuse/manipulation that my parents put me through when I first told them I was trans (like 3-4 years ago).  I was getting ready to move out for college and wanted my life to be different, I wanted people to know I was female from the start. I was being naive, but the things they said to me have damaged me and impeded my development since. They said things like "no parent should ever be forced to accept this," "everybody is going to laugh at you," "I cannot support you mutilating your body" etc. Like I know I need to be able to move on with my life but I've always been sheltered and hearing these things from my parents like shut down my social/identity development.

I too find family to be one of the biggest challenges I face. I seem to switch between a horrible sense of rejection, loss, and sadness over their open refusal to accept my transition and a sort of anger/outrage at their constant misgendering and use of my deadname. On an intellectual level I understand that they have a form of transition to process; that though I have known of my true identity for a long time they have only recently been aware of it. That said, it is a constant pressure that I can find almost overwhelming at times. I have come to depend on friends for true acceptance and love.
One thing I find very helpful is writing. I journal almost daily and write poetry as well. This outlet is a healthy way to focus my energies on dark days. I also have found a technique to help me get from one day to the next; I focus on the little pleasures in life, be it a fresh mug of hot cocoa in my Tinker Bell mug, a bubble bath, or just kicking my way through fallen leaves on a sidewalk.

[needadvice]

Thanks for the replies so far. I just needed to let some of the frustrations out and didn't give the full story. I was on hormones for a few months about 3 years ago, but decided I was not mature enough to handle transition at that point. So I just continued living miserably. Recently, as I talked about in my first post, the bodily and social dysphoria have gotten so bad that I have to do something about it now.

I am going to make an appointment to see a doctor this week about HRT again. I simply cannot continue going on like this.

I am also concerned because I've never been into fashion and I'm not really sure how I want to dress. Like I want to dress in the stuff I regularly wear, like sweats, jeans, hoodies, etc but not get read as male. Even though I like dressing like a slob, I do want to learn more about make up and hair and stuff. Sigh it's just so hard having to learn all this stuff on top of responsibilities when cis people generally learn this stuff as kids and have it instilled in them over time.

I'm also really sad about the fact that I have no experience with men, and likely never will. That's something I've always wanted but I've always been repulsed by the gay scene and the straight scene will be repulsed by me. Wonderful!

I just read over what I wrote and it sounds so incredibly shallow and simple but it really is distressing me so I'm going to take it seriously. Like I know there are more important problems in the world, but I need to figure out a way to exist that I can stand.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Hey, first of all, the only two choices aren't gay and straight because there are bi and pan people out there too. There are also people who identify as gay or straight who are into trans women but I would just tread carefully if they're really into someone who's not very far along into a transition because sometimes we hear about partners who are threatened by someone proceeding with a medical transition.

I'm glad you came here to share your feelings instead of hurting yourself. Feel free to keep the line of communication open.

Honestly, you don't HAVE to wear girly or fashionable clothes if you're not into it. Some women spend their whole life wearing track suits and the like. You might be able to do some stuff between taking hormones and using makeup and hairstyles to get read as female and then you can use your clothes to try to obscure your body shape if necessary. Not every woman wears makeup either but you might find yourself motivated to try it if it can help you pass. Some trans men use makeup and other tricks in order to pass too.

[Dena]

You need to stop looking at this as a big problem. It's many small problem each which the site members can help you solve. So far you have 3 posts. One member I am viewing who is now full time but has made over 800 posts on the site. We have member who are expert in almost any phase of the transition and all you need to do is ask.

Early in my transition I could have wrote much the same post you did but I took advantage of the many people who were willing to help me and I learned what I needed to know.

[HappyMoni]

Dear Needadvice,
  I have two things to add to the good advice I see above. First of all, if you would think in terms of finding yourself, finding out who you are, maybe it might take off some of the pressure for you. In your future, you don't have to do clothes a certain way or interact with people in any particular stereotype. You will experiment, you will fail some times and you will have success sometimes. With each experience you will learn about yourself and what you want. From there you move on.

   Most people on this site are not making progress because they have only seen success. Many have been treated horribly or have had terrible things to face. The treatment by your parents is very hurtful. They sound very selfish. You must realize that there are a lot of very supportive people out in the world. My second piece of advice  is to be positive. You have to take steps that will get you to where you want to be. It will involve patience. You will have to deal with a lot of stuff you don't like until you make your way through it. There is a place in this world for you. Being negative or defeatist will not get you there. It is okay to be down sometimes. You then have to pick yourself up and work to get where you want to be. As far as finding a guy, if you show the negativity you said about your prospects you will doom yourself. It will be a self fulfilling prophecy. Would you date someone who conveyed, "No one will  ever love me!"

   I hope this doesn't sound like I am giving you a hard time. Your hurt is real. You deserve to have your feelings respected. I have many of the same feeling that you describe. Given your present circumstances, you are going to have to fight to get to a better place. Good luck! No wait... how about... "Make it happen!"
Monica