I've waited like a week to post something here, to collect my thoughts on the issues in my head, but they still seem so hard to describe. Basically I can't tell if what I'm feeling is indeed gender dysphoria, if I'm making the right decisions with myself, what I want to be... It's so complicated. I guess I realized that I'm a demi boy (or, just, a feminine boy. not sure if I'm using this term correctly) more than a full year ago while I was away studying abroad. I'm now graduating in a few weeks from college and every time I try to make some kind of step, it feels so jarring and strange. I've attributed that to my BPD and the constant disconnected feeling I have towards myself via dissociation, but I can't tell what feels 'right' or not. I hear so many stories about trans people that just 'click' when they start transitioning, they get a feeling of rightness, but I just feel strange. It's like I have to get used to it, get used to my realized feelings, even though they were already there, but it makes it feel like I'm lying to myself! I can't tell what my body actually wants.
I've questioned whether or not I'm trans this whole time, questioned whether or not I'm making the right decisions, or if I'm actually (cringe-worthy) in a phase. I do know some important details that do line up with other people's experiences, however. Like the fact that I've always felt strange and different, like no one understood me, growing up. I've never felt like a woman in my life and even if I look 'good' in a dress or women's clothes, it doesn't feel like me. If I try to partake in traditionally feminine social roles, it feels odd, like I'm pretending to be someone I'm not. It's always felt like that. As a young child I never understood girls my age, how they acted, etc. and I got along better with boys (even though they treated me differently because I was coded as a girl). I always felt like something was missing, or I wasn't understanding something that everyone else did. I hated womanhood so much that I rejected a lot of 'girly' things, like the color pink, or makeup. It's only a year ago did I realize that these girly coded things didn't have to be girly at all and could be part of my gender expression. I could be the boy I always felt like I was without rejecting my own feminine side (In all honesty, pink is one of my favorite colors!).
But every step I make, it's like I'm rocking the boat in my head. I'm changing things and it's scary and disorients me for a while until I get used to it. The only major change I've made is my name, but that's been enough to get me scared sick about who I am. Even though my (new) name fits me, I love it so much, it still only feels like who I want to be rather than who I am. It feels like I'm rejecting my past self as well, like everything before Hartwin wasn't me, or was a flawed version. Maybe I'm just able to see the cloud of dysphoria that has rained over me all this time without me seeing it. I don't know. Legally changing my name was the first thing I could do myself, without getting doctors or therapists involved, and I hope it's a decent first step.
I used to be afraid of HRT, afraid of what or who I would become, but now it's like I can't stop thinking about it. Thinking, what would I sound like when my voice changes? What will my face look like? How will people treat me differently? It's captivating, and while I'm terrified that I'm making the wrong decisions and (though very unlikely) I'm just going through a phase, I want to fully transition more than ever. Even the idea of growing a beard scared me a lot during the summer, but now it sounds exciting? My parents are still "mourning the loss of a daughter", which I respect as best I can, but they are very nervous about the physical changes I want to have and never want to talk about it. I can feel them bristle when I breach the subject.
It sucks in particular because I can't be a boy to the public yet. I'm extremely curvy and, as embarrassing as it is to say, binders do not help me. My body is a dead giveaway and I am constantly called 'ma'am' in public and it feels like a slap to the face. I plan on trying to get breast reduction surgery (not top surgery, because I can get reduction covered by insurance as a result of chronic back pain...) over the summer, but it's killing me, having to wait to make these decisions. I'm painfully restless on top of the unsure feelings I have about this whole subject.
I guess I just want to know if I'm making the right decision with my life. I know that's something only I can figure out, but I wish someone could tell me.
