Help a girlfriend out?

[phryne]

Hello there. This will be a bit on the long side, so how about I make you some tea?

...

I think it's about time I reach out to someone for help and advice.
I'm a girlfriend to a boyfriend who considers himself transgender. He was born male, uses only his male name, and mostly male pronouns, so I will do the same. According to the definitions on this site, he is more of a crossdresser - for a few years now, he's been publicly wearing female clothing, makeup, heels and so on. He is widely accepted among our social circles, at work, and even among strangers, for the most part. And, of course, by me - when I met him, he was wearing a dress, so there was no shock or surprise. So much for introduction...

What I have trouble with is the split between his public and private persona. Out in the world, he wants to be seen as female. Hours in the bathroom, outfits, shoes... He enjoys the attention and compliments, especially from strangers. For many people he is a symbol, perhaps of courage, and a local celebrity. But when we go on vacation, or have some days off, he doesn't pack the mascara. He is rather happy he doesn't have to shave or worry about ripping pantyhose. Sometimes, even on a regular day, he complains about having to do his makeup, like it was a chore. That's where I get a little lost... I mean, who is he doing it for?

The private part is even more confusing. Since he doesn't do any permanent changes to his appearance, he can switch back to looking like a regular guy. But I don't really know how that works... I asked if he wants to change his name sometime, or is he serious about wanting boobs (he often says it would make wearing dresses so much better), but from his responses I gather that it's more of a fantasy, and not something he will ever follow through with. I know he values his masculinity a lot too, and enjoys acting "manly" when it suits him. This ambiguity extends to the bedroom - sometimes I'm dealing with a girly girl who needs to be pampered and overpowered, and sometimes it's the opposite - a manly man in for a quickie. Either way, it's never my choice, really - in bed or outside of it. I was always so open about my needs, but with him... well, his needs are more important, because he is still finding himself, he is fragile, and his life is clearly more complex and troubled than mine. Speaking of complexity...

I feel like I'm living with a person who cherry picks only the fun, or satisfying parts of each gender. When it's more fun, he is a helpless, fragile girl, who need endless comfort, patience, praise and who cannot make a single decision. When it's more comfortable, he is a guy who plays videogames all day, piles up dirty dishes in the sink, and has the final say. It's an oversimplification, but I hope you understand. I guess what I mean to say is... I'm rarely ever the "girl". Sure, he will compliment if I do my hair or something, but I don't get any support from him when I feel vulnerable or weak, because he is always more tired, more stressed, more in need of help. At the same time, he is also a man, who doesn't want to hear about my problems for too long, because he simply doesn't know anything about friendships, for example. So don't even ask him, ok? Those aren't real problems anyway. But my lipstick? Yeah, it's nice, he will buy one for himself, too. That's the highest form of compliment I get - "Looks good. Do you think I could pull it off?"

I know what you're thinking - I saw what I was getting into. But I really thought that with time, we would have some balance. And yet, plenty of time passed, and he is always the center of attention, and always in need of support. You know what I am? I am over it. I mean, I just want to tell him: it's fine, be yourself, wear whatever you want. Let's swap roles in the kitchen, in bed, let's change the tires together, get manicures together. But please, let's just get over it! Because I need attention too, and sometimes I need help too, I want to receive too (ekhm...) and I'm tired of being "the lesser girl", who not only takes care of her own busy life, her job, her hobbies, her health, and her own problems... but also has to treat her partner like a precious faberge egg. I used to feel like a goddess, you know? But now, I am with someone who is so busy tending to the woman inside him, that he doesn't see the woman in me.

I'm really worried that in many ways, I am simply convenient for him. I'm a source of endless attention and understanding, I keep him company, remind him to buy lightbulbs, I cheer him up after a hard day, and I'm sure having a girlfriend stops people from asking him if he's gay or not. I used to think that with what he's going through, it's understandable to be a little self-obsessed and helpless for a while, but now I'm starting to wonder if it's not the other way around, and he is just a self-obsessed, helpless person, for whom crossdressing is just another way of drawing eyes to himself. If I sound like a monster to you, then please tell me... I certainly feel like a monster sometimes. Perhaps you can't tell from this rant, but I've never felt this way about a person before, and I'm certainly old enough to start thinking about a future with someone... And I want a future with him. But I can't play the supporting role forever... So, in other words, help?

[Tessa James]

I don't know you or your friend but being transgender, a crossdresser or having any non conforming sort of self identification does not confer special status as one who gets and rarely gives.  I like to think that an adult relationship is built on mutual trust, love and support.  We can be a bit obsessed with transition and I get the celebrity part too but that fades and may be relatively shallow to begin with.

You have an obligation to care for yourself as well as a reasonable expectation of love and support if indeed they have that capacity.  And then, is there anything fair about falling in love?  May we assume you are letting them know how you feel?

Thank you for being supportive and checking in here.

[DawnOday]

Hello there. This will be a bit on the long side, so how about I make you some tea?

...

I think it's about time I reach out to someone for help and advice.
I'm a girlfriend to a boyfriend who considers himself transgender. He was born male, uses only his male name, and mostly male pronouns, so I will do the same. According to the definitions on this site, he is more of a crossdresser - for a few years now, he's been publicly wearing female clothing, makeup, heels and so on. He is widely accepted among our social circles, at work, and even among strangers, for the most part. And, of course, by me - when I met him, he was wearing a dress, so there was no shock or surprise. So much for introduction...

What I have trouble with is the split between his public and private persona. Out in the world, he wants to be seen as female. Hours in the bathroom, outfits, shoes... He enjoys the attention and compliments, especially from strangers. For many people he is a symbol, perhaps of courage, and a local celebrity. But when we go on vacation, or have some days off, he doesn't pack the mascara. He is rather happy he doesn't have to shave or worry about ripping pantyhose. Sometimes, even on a regular day, he complains about having to do his makeup, like it was a chore. That's where I get a little lost... I mean, who is he doing it for?

The private part is even more confusing. Since he doesn't do any permanent changes to his appearance, he can switch back to looking like a regular guy. But I don't really know how that works... I asked if he wants to change his name sometime, or is he serious about wanting boobs (he often says it would make wearing dresses so much better), but from his responses I gather that it's more of a fantasy, and not something he will ever follow through with. I know he values his masculinity a lot too, and enjoys acting "manly" when it suits him. This ambiguity extends to the bedroom - sometimes I'm dealing with a girly girl who needs to be pampered and overpowered, and sometimes it's the opposite - a manly man in for a quickie. Either way, it's never my choice, really - in bed or outside of it. I was always so open about my needs, but with him... well, his needs are more important, because he is still finding himself, he is fragile, and his life is clearly more complex and troubled than mine. Speaking of complexity...

I feel like I'm living with a person who cherry picks only the fun, or satisfying parts of each gender. When it's more fun, he is a helpless, fragile girl, who need endless comfort, patience, praise and who cannot make a single decision. When it's more comfortable, he is a guy who plays videogames all day, piles up dirty dishes in the sink, and has the final say. It's an oversimplification, but I hope you understand. I guess what I mean to say is... I'm rarely ever the "girl". Sure, he will compliment if I do my hair or something, but I don't get any support from him when I feel vulnerable or weak, because he is always more tired, more stressed, more in need of help. At the same time, he is also a man, who doesn't want to hear about my problems for too long, because he simply doesn't know anything about friendships, for example. So don't even ask him, ok? Those aren't real problems anyway. But my lipstick? Yeah, it's nice, he will buy one for himself, too. That's the highest form of compliment I get - "Looks good. Do you think I could pull it off?"

I know what you're thinking - I saw what I was getting into. But I really thought that with time, we would have some balance. And yet, plenty of time passed, and he is always the center of attention, and always in need of support. You know what I am? I am over it. I mean, I just want to tell him: it's fine, be yourself, wear whatever you want. Let's swap roles in the kitchen, in bed, let's change the tires together, get manicures together. But please, let's just get over it! Because I need attention too, and sometimes I need help too, I want to receive too (ekhm...) and I'm tired of being "the lesser girl", who not only takes care of her own busy life, her job, her hobbies, her health, and her own problems... but also has to treat her partner like a precious faberge egg. I used to feel like a goddess, you know? But now, I am with someone who is so busy tending to the woman inside him, that he doesn't see the woman in me.

I'm really worried that in many ways, I am simply convenient for him. I'm a source of endless attention and understanding, I keep him company, remind him to buy lightbulbs, I cheer him up after a hard day, and I'm sure having a girlfriend stops people from asking him if he's gay or not. I used to think that with what he's going through, it's understandable to be a little self-obsessed and helpless for a while, but now I'm starting to wonder if it's not the other way around, and he is just a self-obsessed, helpless person, for whom crossdressing is just another way of drawing eyes to himself. If I sound like a monster to you, then please tell me... I certainly feel like a monster sometimes. Perhaps you can't tell from this rant, but I've never felt this way about a person before, and I'm certainly old enough to start thinking about a future with someone... And I want a future with him. But I can't play the supporting role forever... So, in other words, help?

I understand your plight, because I was very much like your husband in that I too didn't pay attention to my wife. Luckily she left me and found happiness in Co. Have your husband go to therapy. Make it a demand. You may want to attend with him. Make sure it is a gender therapist so you can get to the nuts and bolts of the situation. If things don't improve there is no reason to stay in a loveless relationship.  You need to live too. It took me 37 years to see a therapist and be honest with her. After a couple of sessions the therapist and I came to the conclusion I was transgender and that is the reason I ignored my wife.  I honestly thought I could stop and fulfil the life my genitals dictated, but I was always mad I didn't have the equipment I thought I should have. So failing that little experiment it has been almost impossible to make a connection with anyone. Including my present wife. At the time in the 70's gender surgery was in it's formative years and information was hard to come by. Today everyone has connection with all sorts of resources. Being Trans is coming out of the closet. Unfortunately there are politicians that want us to stay there. Am I doing the right thing? I don't know. I just feel comfortable in my own skin now. As I continue on HRT I am thankful that there are no more empty spaces on my timeline. I am beginning to fill the void. Just the fact I am sitting here communicating is a great solis to me, and that is what HRT has brought to me, and my wife. I am no longer a nightmare to live with.  I wish you much happiness and things work out for you.
Dawn

[Sophia Sage]

Sorry, but this guy is a loser.

Not for the gender stuff. No, because he's a narcissist who won't ever make you the center of attention, even when you need it.  And frankly, someone as eloquent and perceptive as yourself can do so much better.

This ambiguity extends to the bedroom - sometimes I'm dealing with a girly girl who needs to be pampered and overpowered, and sometimes it's the opposite - a manly man in for a quickie. Either way, it's never my choice, really - in bed or outside of it. I was always so open about my needs, but with him... well, his needs are more important, because he is still finding himself, he is fragile, and his life is clearly more complex and troubled than mine.

You don't get a choice?  That is not the basis for a healthy relationship.  Stop letting this guy call the shots.  And needs must be equal in a relationship, or the relationship isn't really a relationship.

He is exploiting you.

I used to think that with what he's going through, it's understandable to be a little self-obsessed and helpless for a while, but now I'm starting to wonder if it's not the other way around, and he is just a self-obsessed, helpless person, for whom crossdressing is just another way of drawing eyes to himself. If I sound like a monster to you, then please tell me...

I think you have it exactly right.  And no, you are not the monster in this relationship. He's a bloody holy terror is what he is.

The only question I have is, "What have you been getting out of this relationship for so long?"  You kind of need to know the answer to that.  Because when you kick him to the curb, you'll have to start getting that for yourself.  And so that in the future you won't step into the same kind of imbalanced relationship again.

[SadieBlake]

If presenting femme involves some work for all women it probably involves more for women who don't pass. So on that alone I have some sympathy for taking pleasure in skipping shaving, makeup etc when on holiday. Back when I was more concerned with presentation i took advantage of a 3 week trip to SF to take my beard off for the first time in 20 years and see if I could effectively present as femme.

Today my compromise is I'm on hrt since the beginning of this year and while I'm not much trying to pass, I've grown my hair out, I shave but still wear my beard and I'm ecstatic to be able to present as non-binary daily.

However I've spent 20 years leading up to this letting myself become more female socialized. It took starting HRT to get some perspective on just how dysphoric it has been when asserting male behaviors has been, so like when I'd have to deal with aggressive behaviors at work sometimes the only way I knew out of those situations was to meet them with anger.

Those assertions of male privilege hurt more than I care to remember as having largely succeeded in letting go of that I hated choosing to revert to it as a survival mechanism.

This is where I have little sympathy for your bf but perhaps some understanding. You have nailed it that using male privilege is an easy out.

I don't match your bf in this: while my gf misses my occasional willingness to do hold her down for aggressive sex that was a role I took on mostly because she liked it and it had all but vanished from my repertoire years before I started HRT.

If I've emotionally wanted my gf to caress my breasts and pay less attention to my [sheenis] for years, since HRT I can't get aroused without that and so now I insist. And who knows, when I won't lose erection post GCS using a strapon for sex, maybe I'll be able to play an aggressive role in bed again.

In your shoes I might ask him to start HRT, certainly saying to him what you've related here seems on target. My aim is to be the best human I can be. To me that means assertive, caring, empathetic. I have a lot of things I accomplished in my male guise and they have all become real to me as I reasserted ownership of my life from a more characteristically feminine POV.

I suggest you stop accepting quickies, and help him understand that the important part of being female is between the ears.

[phryne]

Thank you all for taking the time to answer me... I'm deeply grateful.

Tessa,

I can let him know how I feel about nearly anything, and we've talked about how straining it is for me to be his constant supporter and cheerleader when it comes to work and other duties. It helps for a while, but it's still very obvious to me that even after so many years of being an adult, he still gets overwhelmed very easily, and doesn't know how manage his time. So when I see how much time he devotes to, hmm, creating his image, grooming, shopping for himself... I can't help but feel frustrated... and a little jealous. With all that time on social media (part of creating an image), every day he has new things to report, new problems, and I have to be attentive, interested... and when I'm not, he exaggerates my mild reactions, and asks if I'm mad/angry or something. How can I tell him that I have limited mind space for all this? And when we do go out, it's never really low-key and casual - he is so dressed up, so made up... that either way, I never shine. When people pay him compliments, he talks about it a lot, even if I was there when it happened. When people give him the wrong kind of attention - like a catcall - I have to cheer him up, even though I dealt with it all my life, and had to be strong. He fishes for compliments and support and attention on social media too, and I can't catch up anymore...

I want to take care of myself, and I'm doing my best to do so, but - like you said - it would be nice to be taken care of too.

Dawn,

He did go to therapy, about a year ago. He didn't really tell me what kinds of things they were discussing, but that's ok, and I don't know why he stopped going. I think he said he doesn't have time. I thought it would help him to read a bit about similar people have gone through, but he doesn't really care much for other transgender people, or crossdressers, at least not that I know of. He's not excited to watch a movie with a transgender character, for example. I think he wants to treat his experience as unique.
When we met, I already accepted who he was, and I knew it's not going to be easy. He is not planning HRT, or any surgery, though... He is just very occupied with himself. I don't ask him to "follow the life his genitals dictate" - on the contary, I encourage him to express himself... but that doesn't leave much room for me.

Sophia,

First of all, thanks for the compliments - means a lot, especially since this isn't my mother tongue... Ok, now to the sex stuff:
In the beginning, it was different, because I was probably the first person who gave him the kind of roleplay and pleasure that he needed as a girl. I know he appreciated that, and maybe he just assumed that I'm having the same amount of fun? Later, it became more of a chore for me, because I was doing all the work. Even with the quickies, which can be fun, I think I'm doing most of the work anyway... It's like we both know that he needs more "help", so that's where all the focus goes. And what makes it worse, there is hardly ever any mood-setting before. It's like I'm not even sure what gets him going, and I don't feel celebrated, undressed slowly or whatever. When I suggest something different, he just straight-up tells me that, well, he will not remain hard in this position, or that it doesn't work for him. He's not rude or anything, just unwilling to experiment, or to do anything else than what we already know works (for him). I don't know how to suggest things anymore, because I'm afraid that if by some chance this new thing doesn't work, he will close up again...
This is a good metaphor for the rest of our relationship. He needs so much help, and quickly gets used to it. So much so, that if I decide to take some of it away (and focus on myself), he will think I'm hostile, mad at him... I know I spoiled him, but I really thought that after the initial months of figuring things out with me, he will return some of the favors. And he does, sometimes, but I have to spell them out - it's not like he's going to surprise me much.
What do I get out of it? Well, from the very beginning I knew there is no escaping these feelings, and that I'm in love. In my previous relationships, my interests and passion rubbed off on guys really quickly, and I even felt like I'm being copied, or followed everywhere. So it seemed a good idea to be with someone who has hobbies and a world of his own. I just didn't expect how much help he would need with it... And I didn't expect that with his self-discovery, my femininity will be lost somewhere in the process. I mean, it's been years since he started doing this, I thought he has this figured out by now... And since he wants to be with a girl, it's for a reason, right?
Sometimes I too think that he is a bloody holy terror - just a selfish person really. He can be very cute, and like I said, if I spell out exactly what I wanna do, and he's not busy, he will do it. But that only applies to things like going to my favorite restaurant, or watching a movie I picked. And don't get me wrong, there is a lot of affection on both sides, it's just not really the "partnership" kind. He will give me pet names, coo at me, be silly. He is also thankful for the nice things I do for him. But there is no equality. He doesn't see that, because as soon as he finishes one thing, he starts another - and all that time spent on social media doesn't help, there is always some new drama he needs to talk about. It's really exhausting to be with someone who is always on a mission, always busy, and always so consumed with himself... He jokes about making videos about himself, or doing make-up tutorials, and I'm just thinking - how much more attention do you need?
I feel cheated, because I thought that my support and acceptance would eventually bear fruit, and that he will learn from me. I know I sound naive, but he doesn't seem like a selfish person on the outside - he's charitable, involved in activism, and he's very patient and open about educating people on all things transgender. I'm sure he helped a bunch of people out. I just don't think there is any room in his head left to actually think about improving my life, without me spelling it out. And even when he does think of me, it's not really in terms of "woman", because he usually "out-womans" me (that's not a word). It almost feels like a competition - I get a nice handbag, he needs a new handbag. I ask him if he would like me in sexy stockings, he talks about getting them for himself. I mean, I don't really know much about lesbian relationships, but we could both be in lingerie, and both be girls, right? Sometimes, in my darkest moments, I think that he doesn't actually care that I'm a woman, it's just that it would be much harder to find a man who would accept him and treat him with such compassion...
Jeez, now I'm really sad...

Sadie,
I asked him a few times if he ever wants to take this further, and start HRT, or even use a female name. I imagine these decisons might take a lot of time, but he seems content with what he has now. I know that there are many situations where he is happy he can switch back into a regular guy - not to mention that his family doesn't accept him in feminine clothes. And, like I said, he does take on the more dominant role in bed sometimes. I think he wants to leave his options open, and that would be ok with me, if only it was clear that I am his woman. Not his pet, his mother, caretaker, friend, sexual aid...
The thing is, from the first time he learned that I can tend to his needs, that's all he ever expects. I get less and less excited about sex, because it's predictable, and apart from actual penetration, I receive little to none attention below my waist. In fact, he doesn't care what I'm wearing, or whether I'm shaved - I asked a few times, hoping that maybe it will spark his interest... And it saddens me, because I take really good care of myself, I'm fit, limber, and all that, but it seems like all he cares about is me hitting the right spots on his body, and going through the motions. He told me that with previous partners, he got bullied into doing things he didn't enjoy, and got blamed for not performing... So I'm afraid to make any demands - I don't want to be like those girls, and I don't want him to close up again. And I rarely turn him down, either - mostly because I usually have some hope that maybe this time it will be better, or because I don't want him to feel unattractive.
As for helping him understand what being female is, I can only rely on my own idea of femininity, which for me is mostly about strenght - taking care of yourself, so you can take care of others and keep changing the world. I feel like he still has a shallow idea of femininity - limited to appearance, sexual pleasure, and political issues (equal rights, so on). I feel that he just takes off the woman-suit when it doesn't benefit him, and I can't do that. I really want to be supportive, and I know he experiences hardship as a transgender person, but he can't even take good care of himself, let alone truly support someone else. And when he steps outside his house, he is always such a topic of coversation, such a special snowflake, and being transgender makes every day exciting for him - I just don't feel like he's getting any closer to getting over himself, and paying some attention to others. And I'm slowly losing hope that this will ever change...

[JoanneB]

Sorry, but this guy is a loser.

Not for the gender stuff. No, because he's a narcissist who won't ever make you the center of attention, even when you need it.  And frankly, someone as eloquent and perceptive as yourself can do so much better.

You don't get a choice?  That is not the basis for a healthy relationship.  Stop letting this guy call the shots.  And needs must be equal in a relationship, or the relationship isn't really a relationship.

He is exploiting you.

I think you have it exactly right.  And no, you are not the monster in this relationship. He's a bloody holy terror is what he is.

The only question I have is, "What have you been getting out of this relationship for so long?"  You kind of need to know the answer to that.  Because when you kick him to the curb, you'll have to start getting that for yourself.  And so that in the future you won't step into the same kind of imbalanced relationship again.

+1

BTW - You nailed him right I think as a CD. For sure He Is A Guy... along with all Sophia said

[EyesOpen]

Eep!!!

First and foremost, thanks for the tea

Secondly, to repay that kindness, have a hug. A great big one.

It sounds like maybe you came here to find out if his behavior is normal among transwomen. You've gotten a pretty clear answer to that question. Not only is it not normal, it's not even acceptable. You're strong for dealing with his neglect for so long, and it's obvious that you care deeply for him and want to make this work.

I'll make a break from some of the other posters. It might not be as bleak as "he's a loser, time to move on". If it were that simple, I get the impression that you would have done it already.

Speaking from my own experience...it's possible to be self-absorbed and not realize it, even when you're hurting the ones you love. He seems to not be aware of, or fully understand, your needs or what his role in a "partnership" (good word! That's exactly what it should be!) is. I had a lot of trouble connecting with people, including my wife, for a long, long time, and often neglected their needs simply because the lack of connection (which was my own doing) prevented me from empathizing with their emotional needs. That's changed drastically as I've started expressing my gender-bent self. Personally, accepting myself allowed me to open up and connect with others. He seems to have a similar emotional blockage, but since he sounds rather comfortable with his gender identity, it may be something else.

Here's an idea: Have you thought about seeing a gender therapist together, with the goal of strengthening your relationship? I only suggest a gender therapist because they'll be able to understand him and might be able to help him put his behavior in perspective. But any sort of relationship therapy will help facilitate the discussion about your unmet needs. How do you think he'd respond if you approached him directly, making it clear that you love him and want to have a future with him, but that you feel the relationship is one-sided and want to work with him to improve it?

You sound wonderfully supportive, compassionate, and loving. One thing is pretty clear here: you deserve better than what you're getting. Whether he can provide what you need remains to be seen, but if you want to have a future with him and be happy in it, he has some serious growing up to do. A relationship cannot just be about him and his needs. Whatever is preventing him from grasping the dynamics of a healthy relationship needs to be addressed, and it sounds like you'll have to initiate the process. But perhaps with therapy he can come to grips with his problems and you two could grow closer as he matures.

But if he's not willing to accept his deficiencies and work to address them, you'll need a back-up plan, and I hope you value yourself enough to place your own happiness above his neediness.

Oh, and have another hug <3

~Allie

[Sophia Sage]

...he exaggerates my mild reactions, and asks if I'm mad/angry or something. How can I tell him that I have limited mind space for all this?

Maybe you're more angry about this than you've let on, even to yourself.

I'd be downright furious at this point.  And the thing is, it's perfectly acceptable to get angry.  To yell and rage.  We're taught to tamp down those feelings, especially to protect the fragile egos of men.  Well, I say, how dare he try to mediate and manipulate your feelings for his own selfish benefit?  He doesn't have the right!

If he refuses to accept and witness your negative emotions, then he refuses to accept and witness the real you. 

He needs so much help, and quickly gets used to it. So much so, that if I decide to take some of it away (and focus on myself), he will think I'm hostile, mad at him... I know I spoiled him, but I really thought that after the initial months of figuring things out with me, he will return some of the favors. And he does, sometimes, but I have to spell them out - it's not like he's going to surprise me much.

You're not being his lover, you're being his mother.  And he's being passive aggressive if you even dare to change the dynamic.  He only does the bare minimum to keep you going.  If anything, it sounds like he resents your needs, and refuses to consider them on their own merits.  Which means he doesn't really think your needs have any merit.  Or that you do, beyond what you do for him.

What do I get out of it? Well, from the very beginning I knew there is no escaping these feelings, and that I'm in love.

Then you need to learn to love yourself.  It's not something we're really taught to do as women in our culture -- take care of yourself, sure, but only so you can attend to others.  That's not self love.  Love isn't a feeling, it's an action, and it's based on fully respecting one's needs -- including your own.  In fact, if you don't attend to your own needs, based on your own understanding that you have inherent value, it will get harder and harder to love other people, and you will burn out. 

You are fully deserving of the life you need for yourself, before taking care of other people.

So don't just get by.  Pamper yourself.  Indulge yourself.  Be yourself.

All that said, if you need to see if you can make this relationship work, you'll have to do what mothers are supposed to do, which is set some boundaries.  Now, what happens when parents set boundaries with children?  They get upset.  And then they try to push back against those boundaries, through emotional manipulation.  So don't back down.  State what you need and what the consequences will be if you don't get it, and then follow through with those consequences -- because he will test you again and again to see if those consequences will stick. If they don't, there's no motivation to change his behavior, and the pattern of your relationship will not change.

So, what sorts of consequences are within your control?  Obviously you can't send him to his room.  But you can refuse to indulge him.  You can go out on your own, visit friends, limit contact.  And you can set boundaries for his tactic of shutting down -- like, you won't pamper him for the rest of the day if he does that, or do his dishes, make him food, whatever. 

You can say, "If you don't want to talk about this, that's your choice. I'm going to the movies." 

You can say, "I need us to go out tonight with me being glamorous and you being the man, or we aren't going out tonight."

If you don't follow up with appropriate consequences, you won't maintain your boundaries, and this will only get more unsatisfying.  Of course, it always comes down to the final sanction -- the end of the relationship.  You have to be willing to end the relationship if it isn't working.  But you can't just jump straight to the final sanction, especially if you're really wanting to give him the opportunity to change.

I am pessimistic that he will change, for what it's worth.

I think he wants to leave his options open, and that would be ok with me, if only it was clear that I am his woman. Not his pet, his mother, caretaker, friend, sexual aid...

He doesn't need you to be his woman, he gets that need fulfilled from himself, and in the shallow end of the pool at that.

[Mariah]

As long as they are content and don't consider themselves to be transgender then there is no need to progress farther unless at some point they decide that they need to do. In the meantime, just be supportive and understanding of what they need. He will let you know if you if he needs more than what he is doing right now. Hugs
Mariah

[SadieBlake]

Phryne, yes I feel where you're coming from with this :-( and no he doesn't need to do HRT, he should however, recognize that change on the surface doesn't lend him much credibility for effort. He needs to hear how self centered he's being and being a doormat for his performance doesn't sound happy at all lot me :-(

[phryne]

Allie,

Thanks, I love hugs!
I had a lot of thinking to do about my needs and demands, and unsurprisingly, I had to write them down. It wasn't very easy, as I'm so used to being "flexible", and make do with less and less. I also thought about things I don't want, and that includes him seemingly competing with me... Now I just have to take it one at a time.
I still don't think he is a bad person - I think it's a combination of factors, and being transgender just adds to him being too concerned with himself. I guess that if my needs were met, it wouldn't bother me so much that he cares this much about his appearance. What you wrote about your journey makes me think that maybe there still are things that he doesn't accept in himself, but doesn't let on. I don't suppose it will be easy for us to see a gender therapist where we live, but I'm gonna encourage him to give these issues a thought... And couples therapy might be tricky, because I imagine that, once again, he as the more "colorful" person might get most of the attention.
So far, I talked to him a bit... I told him he needs to chill out sometimes, because someday soon I might need his help and support, and a strong partner. I can't be the one doing the heavy lifting all the time. And that with his current obsessions (work, social media, his image), pretty soon we're not going to have anything to talk about... We laughed at this, and he promised to read a book of my choice, but yeaaah, that's not gonna happen anytime soon. I'm trying to be more assertive, but it's going to be a long journey before I tell him everything...
I don't know how to kickstart his maturing process... He has the illusion of maturity perfected quite well - good job, apartment, activism (related more to general social issues than gender issues). I get how easy it might be to tell someone who is just sitting on the couch, eating pizza and wiping his fingers into his shirt, to grow up, be mature, and so on. He pays his bills, keeps his apartment in decent condition (usually), and also his interests are really "grown up" (history for example). This is all very important, but I think it pales in comparison to emotional maturity. I'm also tired of him treating me like a pet of his... At first, I thought the pet names and jokes were really cute, and a proof that he's warmed up to me. Now, it feels like it's all I'm getting. It's hard to feel like a woman, when he always calls me by a pet name that is not even feminine (more neutral, like an "it"). I'm worried that he does this because he cannot handle me being a woman after all - even though he is supposedly attracted to women. Not to mention that it's kinda hard for me to switch into sexy mode after a whole day of just cuteness, cooing and so on...
I mean, I knew this would be challenging, but it seems like no good deed goes unpunished for me, and every nice thing I do (like indulging him in bed) results in him expecting it all the time. And I don't get the same kinds of things in return... only things that are easy and cute, like me picking what to eat, or a compliment which you can safely say to a 6 y.o. girl. Or, again, a pet...
And I don't really know what to do about it anymore. I like to laugh and be goofy, but lately I'm losing the mood for that, because I just don't feel like a woman anymore when I'm with him. We already talked about overdoing the cutesy stuff, but now it's just another joke to him - he will call me by my pet name, and then say "oh right, there I go again, not treating you like a grown-up person! silly me, haha"... And I feel like an idiot, because it seems like I waited a long time for him to show affection towards me, and now that I have it, I want less of it, or a different kind. I'm just really worried of this conversation turning against me, because he - as usual - sees nothing wrong, and whatever I do to change things (like set boundaries, have a serious conversation, stop indulging him in bed) is going to be seen as me looking for reasons to fight or break up, because from his point of view, everything is fine.


Sophia,

Well, you wrote a lot of what my friends tell me... They know how much work I've put into this relationship, and how I deserve a break. But frankly, it's hard for me to listen to their advice, because usually it boils down to "you need a MAN, someone with character, someone strong"... So it feels like they just can't get over the crossdressing, and they think it's the source of all of the problems in this case. I know that he associates some of his flaws with being transgender (like being indecisive), but that's just an excuse, I feel. The real reason might be more of what you wrote - he is a spoiled child, basically.
I took some time to think about all the things I need - from him and from myself. I started off slow, by telling him that he spends waaay to much time in social media... And how I think he wastes a lot of time, and is then forced to do actual work on weekends, which are supposed to be ours. He took it well, but that's probably because we were talking about him, after all... Plus, he is a typical guy in that when a conversation like this takes a few minutes too long, he just wants to get it over with, and agrees with everything.
I don't think he will change, either. And changing someone is a very exhausting business in general. But on the other hand, I feel this way almost every time - a relationship reaches a certain point, where I'm just getting smothered, and don't have room to breathe. Usually it was because the guy was insecure and controlling, and now it's because he is insecure and dependent... But this time, the whole gender dynamic makes it even harder to bear. I have very girly girlfriends, I have friends who are models, and even they don't talk so much about appearance. Well, strike that - they do talk about it, but they also do all the things they want to try - getting their eyebrows done, changing hair color... He, on the other hand, only talks about it. He has the means to do all the things he wants, but he either enjoys just talking about it, or he needs someone to guide him by the hand and give a personal guarantee that it's going to be great. I asked him, how does he think my friends do it? They don't have guarantees, and pride themselves in finding new talented hairdressers, new products. You either risk it, or you do really good research, read reviews. I would rather have him do all of this girly stuff - I don't really mind - as long as he was decisive. He started using more female pronouns lately, and I have mixed feelings about it too. I know crossdressing is not that simple, but it would make it much easier for me treat him more like a woman when he's made up like a woman, and more like a man when he's au naturel... oh, what am I thinking. He needs to be treated like a child most of the time anyway...
Speaking of children and boundaries, I'm getting better with setting those. He usually acts a bit shocked, and treats it like a whim of mine - "everything is fine, and you're just making things up/overthinking", but in the end he usually complies. But if we have an argument, it gets tiresome really quick. I can start of slow, and say: "Look, I would really like you to pay more attention to me, and my life...", and he will immediately say: "oh, so I'm the bad guy now? I NEVER pay attention to you?"... and so on. Even when I get him to admit that he's wrong or inconsiderate, it's usually after an hour or two of him saying that he is not to blame, and he did nothing wrong.
I started thinking that his immaturity is connected to his gender identity - like, he discovered it relatively recently, so he had to kinda regress to an earlier time. I thought, "oh, let him obsess over lipstick, you did that too when you just started wearing it", etc. I thought I was being considerate, but after a couple of years, it just feels like this situation doesn't change. I don't know how many chances I should give him... and I'm tired of him getting this special treatment. There are things I still wanna try before I take more drastic measures, but once again, I feel like I'm doing most of the work... And I don't know how to handle my own feelings, because I just don't get excited to spend time with him anymore. Sure, being a couple isn't just fireworks, but first of all, I didn't get much of the fireworks to begin with, and second of all, it's just not really relaxing. These little things just pile up, and I'm doing everything I can not to snap... I don't know what to do. Write him a letter? I have a feeling that I will just get some more of the "oh, there you go again. Everything's fine, it's all good, why do you keep looking for an excuse to start a fight?"
Also, I'm really worried that as soon as I mention anything related to his ambiguous gender, he will just say that I should accept him they way he is, victimise himself and accuse me of having a problem with his identity in general. And I'm getting tired just thinking about this conversation... Not to mention the actual sex part, which is getting more and more disappointing as well. All in all, I have a bad feeling about this...

PS. I got a number for a therapist for myself, but I'm afraid that it's going to take hours and hours to even explain to him the premise of this situation, and honestly, I don't think I can afford it... and I feel like, once again, it's not fair that I do the work, and he just lives his life...


Sadie,

It's not happy at all! And excuse me for being blunt, but how do I even address this problem? "Look here, this is my pussy. It's pretty fantastic, you know. And since you seem to be a fan of all feminine things, how about you actually touch it?" I mean, I don't mean to brag, but I never had to have this conversation before... How do I tell if it's laziness, lack of experience (which would be incredible, considering that he slept with more people that I did, and we both know it), or whether he is actually more gay than he thinks, and only makes do with a girl doing "manly" things to him?

[EyesOpen]

*more hugs*

You're in such a tough spot. As someone with a lot of issues, let me just say that this guy has a lot of issues. If he's still turning the conversation on himself and blaming you every step of the way, he's got a ways to go. He needs to recognize his faults and be actively acknowledging them while working to correct them. It doesn't feel like he's there yet if he's still doing the "everything is fine!" avoidance -- That's a group decision in a relationship, if you're not fine, everything is not fine; he should be taking it seriously, but for some reason cannot.

For me, it just snapped one day and things made sense. I had some sort of view that I could do no wrong, so obviously someone else is at fault. Or that no one could possibly know anything more about something that I just knew a little about. Childish arrogance, really. Then one day I managed to actually take an objective look at my behavior and was disgusted. If I had encountered anyone even slightly like me, I would have be disgusted with them. It's been a hard road to try to catch and correct myself when these feelings snuck in and I've come a long way, but I still find myself being childish in an argument and trying to adapt my attitude on-the-fly, or take some time to calm down and reason through my feelings/why I'm reverting to this. It's hard to do, and takes serious dedication and effort.

So it concerns me that he's not taking it seriously. For me, that was the first step towards actually fixing it -- and it's a difficult thing to fix. One thing that helped me was that I started working with someone who had similar traits, and eventually I got the feel the blow from being on the other side of the overblown ego. After seeing how it felt to be treated that way, I realized how badly the people I knew must have felt about me, and had to change.

I wish you two the best, but it sounds like you're getting stretched pretty thin while he's still got a ways to go. I hope he figures it out sooner than later, no matter what you decide to do.

~Allie