what you think?

[Lily Rose]

  think my mother will out live me and really do not want to tell her. then there is my little brother who always thought of me as his tough big brother. now days not so little and we rarely talk due to me being such a ass in the past. when we do talk the likely hood we end up in a argument is good (egos clash).

  was thinking if the day comes that i am fortunate enough to start hrt. hopeful with the changes will be breasts. rather not try to go "stealth" so when this is noticed. i do not need to come out to anyone. i can just say "i don't know guess i'm transgender". 

[KarlMars]

Is there a specific reason why you're afraid to come out to your family?

[Lily Rose]

  could list off a bunch of reasons and was going to but more straight to the point cowardice also have taking the easy my whole life, i guess. besides that what business is to anyone? but me if i choose not to tell them.

  mainly cowardice i think lol

[KarlMars]

Won't your family notice your appearance changing on hormones and the fact that you start wearing feminine clothing in public? How often do you see them?

[jentay1367]

Lily, a wise trans woman once told me that the first trans-phobe you need to overcome to make your transition a reality, is....believe it or not......wait for it.........YOU. As long as you are embarrassed, disgusted, secretive, self loathing.....(add your adjective here), you will never get to the other side. You need to accept and love yourself first. Then it's easy to tell others. And chances are, if they truly love you, they will accept you too. Then it starts to all get better. Then you can mend fences for being that "ass" you described yourself as. And....you have the added benefit of having an excuse for why you were the way you were and why you spent your childhood acting out. But you have to forgive yourself before you can receive forgiveness from anyone else. You must accept yourself, before you can expect anyone else to ever accept you. You're worth it! Make a plan, get yourself free and go live your life. You deserve no less.

[Lily Rose]

Won't your family notice your appearance changing on hormones and the fact that you start wearing feminine clothing in public? How often do you see them?

  at this time i have no real need dress in female clothing, although have been thinking about a change in underwear. maybe because there is a little need for it lol. it feels to me the need for hrt is more emotional. someday down that road the physical will likely come into play from what i have read. just looking for a easy way through it maybe to insure i do not chicken out not really sure. organic seems better right now and i am thankful i have plenty of time.

Lily, a wise trans woman once told me that the first trans-phobe you need to overcome to make your transition a reality, is....believe it or not......wait for it.........YOU.

  lol yes i agree completely and do accept myself, sure there is some embarrassment. maybe more shame due to feeling it my whole life. i am a coward!


  if only "Do or do not... there is no try." - yoda

thank you both.

[jentay1367]

i am a coward!

No, no you're not. This crap is hard....real hard. Add to that, everyone that isn't us, has no idea what were going through.....or worse.  You're here on this site talking to us. That kind of precludes the whole "coward" thing. You're a strong proud transwoman dammit, and you'll do stuff when you're damned good and ready!  

[Denise]

If you don't want to talk to your family, is there at least one person you can talk to?  I suggest a woman that you have known for a while.  Guys, from my experience, don't want to talk about it.  Women will talk add long as you want.

I told am old friend today and one of her comments was a can't believe you are just sitting here talking about this like the weather.  It gets easier with practice.  But eventually you will need to face your family (probably) and come clean.  Get practice on people who will care for your well-being.  You will be surprised who will accept you.

If haven't talked to a therapist, I strongly recommend you do.  You can get a professional diagnosis which invalidates most people's negative arguments.  It makes it a medical condition and not a choice.

Sent from my LG-H820 using Tapatalk

[Dena]

It's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission.
As quoted in the U.S. Navy's Chips Ahoy magazine (July 1986)
The problem with this argument is that the person on the other side is the one who is hurt because all control and ability  was yanked away from them. They were forced into a decision instead of trusted to make the decision on their own.

[SiobhánF]

It's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission.
As quoted in the U.S. Navy's Chips Ahoy magazine (July 1986)
The problem with this argument is that the person on the other side is the one who is hurt because all control and ability  was yanked away from them. They were forced into a decision instead of trusted to make the decision on their own.

I have a small problem with that argument, though, in that it makes it seem as if the other person had any control over your life, to begin with.

[Dena]

There is a courteously that you show others. Consider a spouse, parent or friend. By not discussing what is about to happen, you are showing them that you don't trust them. They may not have control but it's a sign that you respect them enough to involve them in your life. If you don't respect them, it becomes more difficult for them to do the same for you.

[jentay1367]

well...there's paralyzing fear too. We get so good at the man act, that we can't imagine anyone else understanding what were doing. Hell....sometimes we dont even understand. So you got to get past that fear of how others will react before we can even entertain the nuance of respect for others. Many had so much self loathing that part of their "act" was to bash gay and transgendered people. After all, it's de ri·gueur to do that if you're a meatheaded heterosexual male. What better way to wear a beard than to engage in hate speech. So I understand when someone can't make that mental leap. There are plenty of mental hurdles to be fjorded. For some, more than others. Most trying to sort this stuff out are running as fast as they can.

[Lily Rose]

There is a courteously that you show others. Consider a spouse, parent or friend. By not discussing what is about to happen, you are showing them that you don't trust them. They may not have control but it's a sign that you respect them enough to involve them in your life. If you don't respect them, it becomes more difficult for them to do the same for you.

  yup this was the argument i was looking for and figured it would not the easy way lol also i do agree unfortunately. not married and would not come out that way to a spouse. however when it comes to my family honestly think there is no way i can tell my brother any of this. thought just do it and go from there if he hates for not telling him first that would be up to him. guess there is still a lot more shame there than i have lately thought. also hoping hrt could help with that shame but from what i have read, could amplify it.

  was hoping for a bit of levity in a otherwise depressing part of my life but can see that is not possible here  just joking and love you all!

thank you for the help

p.s. not sure where but i have heard this before.

It is much easier to apologize than it is to get permission.

that wiki on her was cool too thank you.

[SiobhánF]

There is a courteously that you show others. Consider a spouse, parent or friend. By not discussing what is about to happen, you are showing them that you don't trust them. They may not have control but it's a sign that you respect them enough to involve them in your life. If you don't respect them, it becomes more difficult for them to do the same for you.

Makes sense. What's frustrating is when someone you love and respect wants to control the timing of how you handle your own life. For instance, I came clean with my mother, and we left on some good terms. But, as soon as I announced on FB that I'm transgender, she nearly came through the internet to strangle me because I didn't check with her first. Like, seriously? You're my mom, but you don't own me. I promptly told her that she can connect with me again when she's ready, then unfriended her. Took her a while, but she added me back. No communication, otherwise. I'm a bit peeved. Why do I feel the need to hold in my feelings just to stop an argument or trouble? It doesn't make me feel loved or respected.

[Lily Rose]

Why do I feel the need to hold in my feelings just to stop an argument or trouble? It doesn't make me feel loved or respected.

  suspect from a look at your intro. you have the discipline and respect for others to do so. your mom may be suffering from similar feelings as me. social conditioning (my opinion) that a "man" who believes "he" is a woman is something that is perverse. i can say i do not think this is true and i do mean that, however it is there. then again i am still lost in all this, and have only recently woke up. have been hiding from the world as long as you have been alive. almost as long trying to hide from myself and it is all i know. the main reason i am reluctant to tell my mom is she is the type of person that would possibly feel this shame and then wonder what she did wrong then beat herself up emotionally.

p.s. i pray you and your mom get through this.

[Dena]

Makes sense. What's frustrating is when someone you love and respect wants to control the timing of how you handle your own life. For instance, I came clean with my mother, and we left on some good terms. But, as soon as I announced on FB that I'm transgender, she nearly came through the internet to strangle me because I didn't check with her first. Like, seriously? You're my mom, but you don't own me. I promptly told her that she can connect with me again when she's ready, then unfriended her. Took her a while, but she added me back. No communication, otherwise. I'm a bit peeved. Why do I feel the need to hold in my feelings just to stop an argument or trouble? It doesn't make me feel loved or respected.

There is a point where you have to draw the line. In some cases our SOs might prefer we never transition as long as they are alive. While there is a bit of give and take on both sides, in the end, you have to define what's right for you.

[SiobhánF]

  suspect from a look at your intro. you have the discipline and respect for others to do so. your mom may be suffering from similar feelings as me. social conditioning (my opinion) that a "man" who believes "he" is a woman is something that is perverse. i can say i do not think this is true and i do mean that, however it is there. then again i am still lost in all this, and have only recently woke up. have been hiding from the world as long as you have been alive. almost as long trying to hide from myself and it is all i know. the main reason i am reluctant to tell my mom is she is the type of person that would possibly feel this shame and then wonder what she did wrong then beat herself up emotionally.

p.s. i pray you and your mom get through this.

True. I definitely see that. I'm not knocking her feelings, but at the same time, I'm not going to allow for someone else to run my life. The military already fills that role for me, so I don't need more of the same. I will consider that the next time I speak with her.

There is a point where you have to draw the line. In some cases our SOs might prefer we never transition as long as they are alive. While there is a bit of give and take on both sides, in the end, you have to define what's right for you.

I hear that. That's exactly what I'm intending to communicate to people in my life, but maybe more talking will help them understand. I'll see.



Now, without further derailing the thread into my own, I'm with you on starting small and working it up to full-on just being out. Basically, it seems that you're wanting to make it less shocking and more of an "oh, now it makes sense" deal. But, as you've already made clear, your social conditioning is holding you back. So, I think you're doing fine. You've got to make peace with it, for yourself, then, like Picard says, "Make it so."

[Lily Rose]

it seems that you're wanting to make it less shocking and more of an "oh, now it makes sense" deal.

  yes with my family, basically i do not care what other people think. most people i am sure do not care.

I'm not going to allow for someone else to run my life.

  nor should you!

is there at least one person you can talk to?

  in person not at this time, i am hoping to get a therapist soon. have been thinking i would feel more comfortable with a woman. till i look in the mirror lol.