Running away from who i am. Again.

[Davina Storm]

At the end of May i was ready to start HRT. Its a goal i had been hoping to get to years ago. But always seemed to run away when the decision time came. This time was even worse as i was at the doors of the Endo and had waited weeks for an appointment. I had already spent a considerable amount of time and money on therapy, laser hair removal, make up etc.

But again i chickened out.Why? I thought i could beat it again. But actually i knew it would be a temporary reprieve as it always does, my dysphoria would return and i would be back at the beginning again. Well nearly 6 months later and i am back. Davina has reappeared and wants her rightful place in society.

Although i fought so hard to keep her out of my life and pretend nothing happened, i am actually happy she is back, because she is who i really am. I must really find the will this time to follow through with my transition. Over the last few months i oftened wondered where i would be today if i had started HRT. I often think if i had started HRT i would never have run away again.

I have a successful business 2 wonderful boys and a wife who is a good person, but we are totally un-suited for each other. We both know this. I am depressed and so unhappy with who i am currently.I am overweight and i know what can restore me. I know why i am like this. How do i get to the point of happiness? I know know the answer to that clearly.

[Denise]

...wife who is a good person, but we are totally un-suited for each other. We both know this....

I wonder if she can help you.  Is it possible that you are not suited for each other because of your dysphoria?  I know that my wife and I are, at least I think we are, better friends now that I've started transitioning than before all "this" came out.  I find that we are laughing with each other at times and some of the pressures of marriage have dissolved.

It could be possible that transitioning could save the relationship.  Maybe not the intimacy portion but maybe the friendship.  You will have new interests and maybe you can share them.

You didn't mention how old your boys are but kids are pretty resilient and in today's society they may think it's pretty cool.

[JessicaSondelli]

I cannot tell you what you should do but I looked at it this way and asked myself: "what's the worst thing that can happen by starting HRT?" Nothing really non reversible during the first six months so I gave myself this time and if I would find out that it is driving me into the wrong direction I could simply stop. If I never try it on the other hand I would never know if this would have been the solution to my problems.

After just a few days I knew that I would never stop again but that's me. Your experiences could be entirely different.


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[Janes Groove]

I had a similar experience when my first appointment arrived and I nearly canceled too.  Good thing I had a great gender therapist to talk to before I did cancel.  58 years was a long time to deal with the "should I or shouldn't I" issue.  And it was tough getting over that final hurdle.

The way I approached it was this: 'Ok. I'll just go and get the blood tests just to see if I even qualify.  No harm in knowing one way or the other if I will even be approved for HRT therapy or not. I don't have to do anything with the information. But I really want to know one way or another so I can at least have that information when I finally do make my final decision. '

You really don't have to decide to start HRT therapy until you get you initial blood work back.  You can always back out. But why not at least find out if you have anything physical that might prevent you starting HRT.  At least you will know. One way or the other.  Not everybody can do it because of health issues that they weren't even aware of.

Then I thought:  "OK.  I can do it on a trial basis. If I don't like it after a couple of weeks or a month I can discontinue therapy."

It's easy to let the fear monster win, but talking it out can be very helpful.

[KathyLauren]

I see HRT as the "try before you buy" stage of transition.  I am pretty sure I want to go all the way to being out full-time and eventually having GRS.  But I still have some "What the heck am I doing?" moments.  So I am committed to starting HRT and giving it at least six months.  Then, I figure, I'll know which way to go.

There is no way I am going to not start on HRT.  I have jumped through all the required hoops, and that first pill is going to be in my mouth within two hours of getting my scrip.  I have to do it, because I could not bear the thought of living the rest of my life knowing who I am but not getting to meet that woman.

The feminine part of me has always drawn me.  I have named her Kathy, and I can put on my wig and makeup and dress as her.  I know in my head that I am Kathy, but I still don't know how it feels to be a woman.  I won't know how it feels until I have estrogen in my system. 

Wild horses couldn't stop me from starting on HRT.

[JoanneB]

....Why? I thought i could beat it again....

OMG! Truer words were never written. "I Though I Could BEAT IT AGAIN"

Welcome to my "Groundhog Day" life. Thanks to Diversions, Distractions, and some Denial, you may think you have, for a while. Yet when the excrement hits air handler of life, as it always does.....

I have, and still do have, a very well entrenched "Male" life. Like Joe Walsh in Life's been Good, I could never understand why everyone around me thought I had a GREAT life. Did so many AMAZING things.

Me... All I did what was "expected" of me. It all meant nothing when the rubber met the road. It was not "ME" that did those things, it was the Chameleon me. The Guy that blended into every crowd, did not stand out, knew what others "expected" all too painfully well....

When things started turning sour in my life, I fell back on my old friends of to much food, too much drink, too much.... This (I hope) ABSOLUTE last time I saw my weight approach the 200 lb mark, an area I swore I'll be in again. It was at the same time the excrement hit the air handler... Once Again, in my life.

What sent me into a depression? A depression that forced me to face the cold hard truths of my life?

It was how I was NOT Able to fit into my fem clothes. Not loosing my job, not likely loosing my wife. Not loosing about all that I define "Me: as. No.... Not fitting into my fav dress.  That spoke volumes to me

Reality Sucks

Facing Up To Reality Sucks even more