Finding my way, one day at a time

[josie76]

So I had a great day myself yesterday.

First if anyone has seen my earlies posts you would know some of the on again off again turmoil my relationship with my wife has been since telling her. Well for now I think we have settled down. She is more alright with me than ever. We did some closet purging the other day. Both of us getting rid of clothes we don't wear. We talked and laughed all afternoon. We are sleeping in separate beds but we are still each other's best friends. Time will tell if we can stay closer than that but I'm feeling good about it right now.

Yesterday we drove to my older brother's place in the city. I got all dressed and made up with wig in public for the first time. It was great! We stopped along the way to pick up something for my brother and his fiancée since it was our first visit to their house since they bought it. The little walking I did I felt so good. A few women made eye contact like they would to anyone but didn't seem to have any second thoughts. Men don't try to look after all they don't want to get caught looking by their wives. Lol. I felt normally invisible, which was great! I fully realize I'm not the most attractive middle aged woman around but it was great just to not attract attention.  Oh I also used the ladies room for the first time!  I want to put an Eee shreek right there lol.

So I found spray on leg makeup did a much better job of covering my face stubble color than foundation and coverup has ever done. Just have to have someone to apply it to you. Some powder and contouring color added and I didn't look terrible anyway. Just feeling that way for me was a BIG positive step.

Got to my brother's, he was in shock for a while. I called him yesterday and came out, but being dressed he still couldn't believe it! He said he always thought I was the masculine of us three brothers. So after getting the tour of their house I had a long talk with my big bro. It was nice. Since he had been living six hours away until recently we had lost touch except for holidays. My wife had a good talk about our situation with his partner and the kids just had fun running around their uncles' house. We found some very similar aspects of our lives with self repression and hiding ourselves. He got to find himself when he was living away in Chicago. He finally quit trying to talk himself out of being attracted to men and ended up finding the sweetest guy he ever could of. Now I just have to figure out if in another year if I will be wearing a suit or a dress to their wedding. That,s a problem I don't mind having.

[Karlee]

Hi Josie,

Congratulations. It sounds like you're making really good progress! I'm jealous! 

Keep celebrating the small wins like you are, and things will (hopefully) become easier as time goes on. It sounds like things are falling into place - that's a good sign. You seem like you're in a good place yourself, which is great!

Keep it up. I look forward to hearing more from your journey!

Love,
Karlee <3

[KathyLauren]

That's fantastic, Josie!  Isn't it great when family is accepting?   

[Katy]

I think the title of your message says it all... one day at a time.  If only we would actually heed the wisdom of that thought  and not become impatient with ourselves and others when progress is less than stellar.  Life is a marathon, not a sprint.  One day at a time...  that's the ticket!

[josie76]

So instead of starting another thread to ask a question about myself I figured I'd just add it here. I kinda like the way Rachel Lynn kept updating her thread with her whole transition.

Maybe I'm just being hopeful but: Since I'm having to wait to just get an appointment with the endo is very been taking general supplements, saw palmetto at the suggested "prostate health rate and ground flax seed 2 tablespoon on cereal in the mornings. So the saw palmetto is supposed to reduce T conversion to DHT and the flax is supposed to suppress T production somewhat. Now I've had low T for a few years and I had some slight nipple changes. They would stand a lot more erect than earlier in my life. But in the last month they have been very sensitive, the areolas get firm with the nipples and lately under and around has been hurting easily. Feels a little different underneath. Today I was doing some planks, I'm trying to strengthen the abs and help reduce that visceral belly fat, and when moving I flexed the chest muscles a bit and both sides hurt bad.
So am I just imagining that something could be happening?

[josie76]

I'm just going to add a thought here.

Yesterday I took one of my daughters to the doctor for a regular visit. Partway through I realized I am starting to let myself show in my mannerisms a lot more now. This is in my small town so I was dressed fully male like. Normally I try to prevent myself from talking with my hands and try to talk in a flat tone. I definitely was not. I believe the doctor (a woman) picked up on my basic behavior because she started talking with me a bit different.

I'm not sure what I think of it right now. On one hand I still feel like I should keep pretending because it's small town near suburbia USA but I really want to just let my girlness out. I have definitely not been on guard with my behavior as much lately especially around other women. On the other hand I get really uptight around guys, even if I don't know them from Adam.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Hurting and having solid tissue under the nipples could definitely be a sign something is happening, yeah.

I want to say "express yourself!" but you know better than I do how that will go over where you live. I think you're right that women react to feminine men differently.

[Sinclair]

Now I've had low T for a few years and I had some slight nipple changes. They would stand a lot more erect than earlier in my life. But in the last month they have been very sensitive, the areolas get firm with the nipples and lately under and around has been hurting easily. Feels a little different underneath. Today I was doing some planks, I'm trying to strengthen the abs and help reduce that visceral belly fat, and when moving I flexed the chest muscles a bit and both sides hurt bad.
So am I just imagining that something could be happening?

Everyone is different. Depends on what you are doing. If you're on HRT than that may explain some things. All of us have different mixes of hormones and genes, so there is no one answer. However, when ever I feel some twinges in my breasts, it usually points to some growth. But, I would not describe that as pain. More of a pulse of feeling. It's hard to describe. Best wishes! 

[kathb31]

Josie

I'm so happy to hear that things are better with your wife.
I know in some of your earlier posts the situation seemed
much more dire. I'm still doing well with my wife. She has
been mostly amazing. I can tell that my name-change court
date coming up later this month is affecting her though.

Kath

[josie76]

Thanks Kath

We have been doing much better. I can still tell when something triggers her. I feel just rotten about it when it happens. The other day it was my chest being clean shaven. I know when I finally get to have my intake appointment with the endocrinologist she is going to have a real hard time.

On a positive note my therapist said she would write me a letter so I can make that intake appointment with the endocrinologist. I want to see a specialist at one of the large hospitals / universities in the city that only takes trans patients. I don't know how long the wait will be to actually see him in person. Sometimes the waiting can be emotionally overwhelming. I try to focus on today instead.