Thinking about cutting myself...

[Annaiyah]

I hate my body. I hate being 5'11 and people insisting that i'm 6'0 like i need someone else telling me my height. I hate having feet my size, hands as long as they are. I resent all those times i was told i have large hands. I hate having large, thick vocal cords. I want to stab myself in the throat with a knife. I'd rather have no voice at all than a man's voice. I'm afraid to actually kill myself so i'm thinking about just cutting myself in non-lethal ways since i hate this body so much.

I might even cut across my wrist too and watch myself bleed all over the place while i'm at it..........

[Kadence1]

I know times are tough right now, but there's always that light at the end of the tunnel!! Once you hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up. Please do not hurt yourself. I have been there and done that!! I am SO glad I chose to stop harming myself and those around me, because things got a lot better after that. I know the pain may be unbearable right now, but it's not worth you hurting yourself right now! I hate all my "manly" aspects too, and sometimes it brings out the worst in me. But, I gotta remind myself I am BEAUTIFUL, and those manly aspects can change with hormones and/or surgery! I'm 6 foot and used to HATE my height. But now? I love my height and even wear 6 inch heels! A lot of high fashion (women) models are ATLEAST 6 foot! And a lot of them even have manly features! Look at Victoria's secrets models! Tall, and some have manly prominent features. Find the beauty within yourself and rock it! Stay strong <3


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[staciM]

 Don't lose hope....please call a distress line in your city and talk to someone.  215-686-4420

[Dena]

I know you are hurting but it gets better. You hand size, your foot size or your height don't determine your femininity. I know because I am taller than you and my hand and foot size are most likely near the size of yours. My voice outed me for years before I had voice surgery but people still accepted me because I radiated femininity. It takes time to reach that point and you are still early in your journey but there is a future waiting for you. Your school may have somebody you can call to talk with you and if not, there is help available in the stickies for this section of the site. Possibly somebody you know may also help you get over this. Just try to avoid being alone and try to find somebody to help distract you.

[Cindy]

Hey Hon,

We all go through these terror times but I want to tell you that you are a beautiful woman and not some freak.

I know because I know where I started from. If I could successfully transition any of us can, but yes the bad thoughts come and we scream and hurt and it all seems impossible. But we can make it.

Oh and turn on the TV and watch the Women's basketball, gorgeous ladies there and look at how they wash up in a cocktail dress! Not one of them is less than 6 foot.

Your voice, I practiced and it went well. Now due to illness my voice is destroyed, I have one vocal cord left and as my friend said "I sound like a strangled frog" - no one misgenders me.

So calm down, maybe put some loud music on and dance, and remember 'Scars and cocktail dresses are a bad mix'

We are here for you.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

I know these emotions seem unbearable right now, but every emotion is fleeting. Get some extra help to get through this, talk to us, call a crisis line, call Trans Lifeline - 877-565-8860. Call until you get a human being who can listen to you. It does get better.

[Annaiyah]

I didn't start harming myself... yet...

I'm tired of going through this though.

[zamber74]

I've got scars all over my body, most are not self inflicted, but just the same I hate them.  If you start cutting yourself, it is only going to trigger you further when you see the scars all over your body. 

It sucks, I know it does. 

[SailorMars1994]

Zamber took the words out of my mouth! dont do something you will regret dow the road. I have cuts all over my arm from the July 8th 2016. They are nice juicy ones too and clearly self inflicted. Why? because i figured i was just a ''man'' and doing something not so smart like cutting will help the pain (i was also smashed when i did the cutting). Guess what, it didn't help the pain. Now when i look for a job or am going to meet new people i must wear long sleeve shirts or i will get the looks. And it will be, for the remainder of my life a moment of a doubt attack and the old ''man'' life. Please just talk to us, send me a PM even, many of us have been where you are. Dont do something you will regret FORVER

[stephaniec]

Well, I like to tell the story of my life when someone mentions cutting. When I was 20 years old I turned into an LSD freak because of my Dysphoria . I won't go into this in detail , but the important issue at hand is that you want to hurt yourself. My crime against my body was trying to blind myself . Can you imagine me somehow thinking that blinding myself would solve my problem . I'm  65 and would of lived a life without seeing foe 45 years if I had succeeded . I lived across the street from a Big Ten University in Evanston Ill. for 20 years and the last 3 years I've watch a student who is blind learn how to navigate the campus and the streets. I really can't imagine what it's like to live in the absolute dark and my heart goes out to this student. Fortunately through God's grace my sight was saved , but it could of been very different. I tried my best to hurt myself and I thank God that I didn't. Please reach out for help.

[Sno]

Please, call a help line, or talk to a support group, or post here. It's horrible with these feelings, but please be under no illusion that this would help - it will do the opposite. Personally I struggle with similar demons, talking here has helped me quiet them down somewhat, (and accepting myself).

With love

Rowan

[Rachel]

I have 500 to 1000 scars on my forearms. They are not pretty and when noticed can be embarrassing.

In Philadelphia there was group at Mazzoni at 6 and William Way at 7:30. If you are younger the Attic has group on Thursday evenings. Share how you are feeling and in group there are many feeling just like you.

[SleepyJess]

I honestly don't know how I haven't yet but I've managed to distract myself for long enough for the intense dysphoria/momentum to pass. Sometimes lying down helps a lot, or simply listening to death metal or loud nightcore.
The others here are correct about making a call, since there is no guarantee it will work out.
If you ever want to vent feel free to send me a pm. Sometimes its hard to find people who listen at those times.

[bluepaint]

Every time I go into the hospital or deal with doctors, they ask me about the scars I have on my forearms and wrists! My skin still reminds me of times when things where difficult but even though life seemed unbearably hard back then, they got better! [emoji177]


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[QuentinE]

I used to cut as well years back, but that changed when I ended up in the hospital because of it. Please step back and realize that your body is the only one you've got- you'll live with those scars forever... As much as you hate it now, and trust me I understand because I was there too... Things will change. You can mold your body the way you really want.

Also keep in mind that you are beautiful, and that your genes would not have changed despite being born your gender of wish. You'll be tall no matter what, just as I am short, and we'll just have to own that. It'll all be okay. I promise.

[Annaiyah]

I'm not going to cut myself.

I don't even know how or why i made this thread but i just felt so out of place and considered it as an alternative since i feel so trapped and can't kill myself. Not too long ago i did try to go to bed with a sock tied around my neck hoping to be dead by the next morning. 

But now i can't imagine falling to that low where i'll feel the need to cut myself and i can imagine having permanent scaring from self-abuse. That'll just depress me even more as the scars will serve as those painful reminders. I can't have that, but mind you, scars do heal, most of them anyway. But having permanent scars from self-abuse will make me want to kill myself even more.

[Sno]

I'm not going to cut myself.

I don't even know how or why i made this thread but i just felt so out of place and considered it as an alternative since i feel so trapped...

Sweetie, it's known as a cry for help - nothing wrong with needing support. You do however need to talk to a professional about this, and bring your gender to the table too. No point in hiding it, it just keeps you hurting longer.

As you've seen, there are lots with similar experience, and we will do our best to help as much as we can, but we can only do so much.

You've reached the point where you need to do something - and we're here to listen and support on your journey.

With love

Rowan

[bluepaint]

we sometimes reach out in a moment of despair bc we get to that point, we then feel maybe embarrassed when we see people thinking that we would actually carry it out (kinda insulted even , as if we are emotionally unstable) but you did say you felt like you could or or would? Thats the way emotions are, they break through when we are the end of our wits, not knowing what do but a cry nonetheless! Its ok to reach out hun!  Im sure if you can find some support and a good sounding board to express those feelings, you will feel much better!


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[Floritine]

Please dont hurt your self in any way seek help before it get to that point ether from going to a hospital ED and chatting to one of there docs or a therapist, ending up in hospital after the fact isnt the best experience or hearing and seeing of others that have hurt them self is terrable....
Having scares isnt the best look even once they have faded which takes a long time they are still noticable and you become self conscious every time you go out from people looking at them and when transitioning it make you feel worse and you can end up with related problems after...

Cheers Tracy