Process of accepting myself and starting transition

[Stephie3288]

I'll be 39 a week from tomorrow and Christmas Day will be the anniversary of me beginning to accept myself.  I've learned that accepting yourself for who you are is not a one time event but an ongoing process.  I guess I should begin years earlier, I was never a masculine kid growing up but I rarely was called out on it.  Was mistaken for a girl in my early teens at least once that someone was vocal about it.  Well maybe I shouldn't say mistaken, I thought the person was mistaken at the time. That's also around the first time at the age of 13 I understood that I wanted to female.  I felt alot of guilt so I ended up burying those feelings which would surface from time to time.  I just was never really successful at trying to be a guy but I did learn how to put on a facade by mimicking others and eventually that fake persona got blurred with my trueself.  Even with this, I would look up trans related stuff online, gender swap fiction and deep down I knew that's what I wanted but couldn't admit it.  Even when I learned its possible to transition, I just thought it wasn't possible for me and that I'm not trans and that I just have a fetish.  The truth is that when I would look up transwomen's pictures online or on dating sites or such, I was mostly interested in reading their story about becoming their true self.  Again I continued to be in denial and lied to myself that I was just interested because these were people who against all odds who went on to live as their true self.  But I realize it couldn't have been a fetish because many fetish related things actual disgusts me, not that I judge those who are into it.

Fast forward to this past year.  Something just seemed to all of a sudden click and finally thought that transition is something I can do and want to do.  But I still had doubts.  This is something I've been dealing with all year and I kept questioning myself if I'm really trans.  More recently, it feels like the false persona I was mentioning earlier is starting to crumble away and it feels like weight has been taking off my shoulders.  With that its all starting to make more sense about my identity.

The only thing I've done for transition is to try to loose weight (although I kind of fell off the wagon a little bit), 1 laser hair removal session and a therapy session with a counselor.  This just seems overwhelming and sometimes I wonder if I'll be able to do this financially.  Of course I'm not out yet.  But based on how this year has went, I hope I will be more confident to do so.  Wish I would have come to this realization much sooner but I've learned from others that its never too late. 

I know I also still have alot of work on my presentation.  I've seen so many beaufitul and lovely ladies on here and I'm just not sure that I could ever come close.  I tried to insert a couple of pics but couldn't figure out how.

Thanks for reading.

[Dena]

If you spend enough time reading the personal histories of our many members you will discover that you have much in common. Many come here with doubt, unsure if they should transition. It's also common to think they will never be able to present female but yet they do. The transition seems impossible because of the amount of work involved however the transition is just many small steps that can be conquered. Given a few years, I suspect that your face will be one of the may women gracing this site. The only people who fail at the transition are the ones who give up. As long as you keep trying you can and will succeed.

As for personal doubt, continue learning about the other members and discover how much like them you are. I also have two links you might find useful. The first is our WIKI where you will learn more about being transgender. The second is "the transition channel" where a therapist will help you learn more about yourself. Feel free to post any questions you might have on this thread.

[Kensi]

I can relate on your story in many ways. I believe we all feel like we should have started earlier. However its never to late, beginning this journey takes time and a lot of work. The process seems to fill a missing part of ourselves and complete us. Living a false life takes a toll on you. I always kept hiding my feelings and have in the last couple months started to embrace a whole different side of myself. I've been in therapy for about 3 months and it took me a few session, but I finally opened up completely. I never lied to her although I didn't tell her everything in the beginning sessions. It took a while to get comfortable talking with another person about your honest feelings and also causes you to be more honest with yourself actually telling another human being what has been going through you head. I suggest continuing the therapy is a major step in the right direction.

Doubts will be their no matter what your doing. Personally with my anxiety and depression, I have doubts about everything, its just a good to push forward towards a better you. when I think of something negative, I always try and think about at least 2 positive things to maybe negate it. To be completely honest, this came from a meme from Facebook, but it works.

What keeps me moving forward is seeing others girls before and after pictures and videos on YouTube. the most interesting part about nearly all of them is the radiating vision of happiness that seems to increase the further the transformation goes. Becoming the person on the inside finally being set free is just a beautiful sight.

The biggest thing I have doubts about is loosing family members. But if they don't want to see the real me, just the fabrication I have created to fit into "normal society". Normal changes! Society is much more open to these changes than they were 10 years ago and continue to move in a positive direct. There will always be negative people apposed to change however with this many people in the world someone's bound to disagree with anything.

Just keep moving forward towards that radiating happiness. Its liberating!

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Stephie, congrats, you are farther along on your journey than many. You are on your way to claiming your true identity and you've taken tentative steps forward. It can seem very financially, not to mention socially overwhelming to transition. But from watching people here who pursued their goals sometimes things come together faster than you'd think! Good luck and welcome. 

[Drexy/Drex]

What keeps me moving forward is seeing others girls before and after pictures and videos on YouTube. the most interesting part about nearly all of them is the radiating vision of happiness that seems to increase the further the transformation goes. Becoming the person on the inside finally being set free is just a beautiful sight.

Amen !!!!

[EyesOpen]

Your story sounds a lot like mine. I started realizing that I was trans about a year ago, but had to put it aside for several months while I dealt with more urgent issues. But over the last 3 months or so, I've started acknowledging it.

It's hard. I have internalized transphobia that I'm still working through. It took me a while to realize it, since it was subtle in my case. I was always accepting of LGBT and tried to be as supportive as I could of queer folks I knew. But in my case, internal transphobia took the form of "LGBT is fine, and I'll accept anyone that's queer -- as long as it's not me." Go figure! It sounds sort of ridiculous now.

I've now had a few therapy sessions and started HRT about a week ago. Every step forward is making me happier, but I still have to deal with doubts from time to time. I talked about this with my therapist yesterday, and she made the excellent point that this is a major life change -- anything this big is going to be met with doubts. I try to view the doubts favorably -- they keep things from moving too fast, so that I don't transition farther than I'm prepared to at the moment. Because sometimes, it's pretty tempting to just jump in despite being unprepared for the next step

[Veronica J]

hi

i am in a similar boat as you.

i am 38 yrs old, going to therapy havent started hrt yet. cant wait to start hrt, at the moment i plan to go the whole way (ffs,vfs,ba and srs). i hate the dam mirror.

like you i wonder if i will be able to afford it all, since for me i have to pay for all of it out of my own pocket (no health cover in my country covers any of those since they are listed as cosmetic). ans i also pay childsupport for all 5 of my kids (i got twins)

i have lost my wife and kids, miss my babbies soo much. and i forsee loosing all my family too, they are anti lbgt big time esp T. soo be it, i have spent a lot of sessions and time getting over this very thing and my kids may very well be against me as well. my door, phone and help from me will always be there, open to them.

that said, what i have done and my road i wouldnt change for a thing. for me its reached a point either i change or send my soul 'home' there is no inbetween for me. been far too close too often ocer the years. living a lie is soul crushing and just too depressing. i have lived for everyone else, now i need to live as me. if they wish to walk lifes road with me they r welcome.

personally i stay away from the before and after atm. i look and watch in awe to see the changes and hapiness and wonder will i ever get there.

on the plus side had my hair died with highlights this weekend and loved every moment. keep in mind in may this year my hair was 6mm short and i am pre everything. i am using creams on my skin tho.



best selfie i have ever taken.


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