Hey everyone,
I just need somewhere to let out a few feelings and thoughts. I applaud you if you make it to the end of this post!
I've had a bit of a weird week, to be honest. Just been a bit up and down - not something that I want just before Christmas, but you take the good with the bad. I'm preparing to fly out to Asia for three weeks of the Christmas and New Year period, which will be exciting. I haven't been to Asia, nor have I been overseas for Christmas before, so it'll be a fun and interesting time ahead.
I've been finding that, with a lot more time on my hands (studying only two subjects at uni - my last two until graduation!), a lot more thoughts and feelings have been brought to the surface and forefront of my mind. This is the first time that I've studied without working at the same time (my job fell through and I just didn't have it in me to find a new one so close to graduation and the end of the year). I've found that I've spent
a lot more time on these forums, reading and posting. It has been nice to give back a bit to the community that has given me so much!
University studies and work always kept me really busy and occupied. When I wasn't working, I was studying, and vice versa. I had very little time to actually take a break, relax, and hear myself think. I was always "on" - thinking about what study I had left to do, or what I'd be doing at work, or whatever it may be. In hindsight, it ware a
really great way to suppress the problems that I've been dealing with, silently and lonesomely, for the best part of my entire life. Still, do this day, not a single person (barring a counselor) knows, in person, my internal struggle. I tend to keep my cards held against my chest, surrounded by high walls. I'm not much of a talker; more of a listener. I don't like the spotlight.
This last week has been somewhat of a struggle for me. In between seeing my doctor for blood pressure issues (thankfully, not a major concern), I've been feeling really flat and unmotivated with my university studies, have been a "scatter brain" not being able to concentrate, and have been feeling more and more sucked in and consumed by persistent gender questioning. I'm finding it harder and harder to be around people, and happier just in my own company. I'm frustrated and agitated almost on a daily basis, so I'm making life difficult for myself.
On top of all of this, the doctor that I've been seeing for the past year is, unfortunately, moving on to a new practice come the new year. I'm really quite sad about this - she was the only doctor I've ever had that seem to actually care. We got a long really well, she helped me out
a lot and her office was one of the only places where I truly felt like I could take a breath and that everything was going to be okay.
But, there have been some nice shining moments, too.
I've made a few new friends on the forums here, which is really nice. It makes it easier confiding in others - sometimes it takes the edge off the hard times.
I've received (as always) some
really good advice on therapy and how to cope with trans feelings. I know that I can always find great advice, opinions and answers to questions on these forums (which is probably why I'm spending so much time on here recently). It kind of puts things into a bit better perspective - getting my head around what these thoughts and feelings indicate, and (trying) to get on the right track.
With each new day that comes by, I'm feeling like I'm gaining a tiny bit more clarity, and perhaps a tiny bit more comfort in what this all entails. The doubts and confusion is still persisting, but I'm (kind of) able to deal with it a little better, which is a little bit of a win for me (these wins are few and far between at the moment).
It's a really awkward time of the year for me to take any actual steps forward. I think that seeing a therapist now, so close to leaving the country, won't do much for me. I won't be able to make much progress (I imagine) in just one session (if they even have availability for me). So that means biding my time, seeing the year out and trying again come 2017. It frustrates me, because I'm just waiting for something in the back of my head to "sabotage" my minor progress. I'm getting pressures from my partner to move and get a job, which limits my time tremendously to take care of my mental health state. As per me holding my cards close to my chest, she knows nothing of this.
I know I shouldn't, but I've been looking at transition timelines online. Some of them are so inspiring that it fills me with butterflies. I had a very real moment where I thought "Oh my god,
this could actually be me!" And the idea of transitioning and presenting as female is becoming a little more exciting than scary.
I know that there is the very really possibility of rejection from family, a break up of a relationship and losing friends in the process. I know that I could end up alone, just me. But I've recently come to realize that, if I actually were alone, I'd be a lot more sure of myself. I'd have a lot more room to be myself - presenting as female more often than not, not feeling concerned that I'd get caught dressing, not having to live to some standards imposed on me. It'd be more about me, which at the moment is not my reality. Instead, I'm putting everyone else ahead of me and making sure that they're happy, without even considering myself. I always thought that if I could make everyone around me happy, then I'd be happy. I've come to realize that I
can't make everyone happy, and even making some people around me happy,
I'm still not happy.
The transition timelines showed me that anything is possible. That other people out there have done it! They've come out to friends, family and partners, they spoken to therapists, they've gone on HRT and had surgeries, and the smiles on their faces show it! And all of that is confirmed by reading the posts and stories on this forum. You've been there and done that - it show's that it is possible and that it does have positive impacts on people's lives.
I have a really weird way of answering my own questions and relieving my own fears/doubts without even knowing it. Yet, they still have a stranglehold on me. I still want external validation, when in reality I am internally validating. I still want someone to tell me that what I am feeling and doing is right, even though deep inside I know it is. I still want someone to give me the answer I want, when in reality I know what I want. As I have been told before, "nobody else can tell you what you want, only you can".
Just because I don't have crippling dysphoria doesn't mean I'm not validly trans. Just because the testosterone running through my body makes my sex drive skyrocket and need for release constant, it doesn't mean that it's just sexually motivated. Just because it's not "do or die" doesn't mean I don't have a valid reason to be female. The right decision is going to be the one where I can be happy in my own skin, can feel upbeat and motivated, can regain my concentration and can feel like I'm not questioning myself daily.
Hard decisions need to be made. There will probably be fights, and tears, and very low points. But then, there will be happiness, laughter, comfort and a new lease on life.
Perhaps 2017 will be
my year, unlike he 24 before it.
I hope it's your year, too.
Thanks for reading.
Love,
Karlee <3
