Suicide after transition

[Tanya62]

Galaxy! You're here! Thank you. Going thru what you are going thru should never happen to anyone. I feel a lot like you. Going thru that dark time could take a long time. It's been years now, over 20. Transitioning back to male was a survival response and a bad decision. I don't recommend it. Stay true to who you really are. You are Galaxy.

I'm not that good looking, not really feminine. I felt let down by everything and everyone. Gonadal atrophying never completed, surgery didn't turn out so well, HRT never really took me where I wanted to go. I still have no boobs to speak of. I waxed where I didn't want hair, cute little mustache which I detest notwithstanding,  and if my hair on my head had fell out, I would have got a couple of good wigs. Ultimately, in spite of what seemed to be a failed transition, HRT and GRS, suicide seemed like an option. I felt like that for years. I'm glad I never went thru with it. My life would definitely have been better had I been female assigned at birth, but reality sux all too often.

Things are pretty messed up now, and they will be for the rest of my life. I can live with it. After all, I made these decisions, not someone else. [that may be a little arguable, for a different time  ]

Stay with your chosen identity. Continue to be Galaxy. You are probably really good looking compared to me. I won't put my pic here for a while yet. No confidence. Some have said you are good looking, I don't know I haven't seen your pic.

You have already done so much to make your life better. I am really happy for you. Everything takes time. I was impatient as could be for my body to start changing, yet it never seemed to. So I had the GRS. That took several years to settle down. But still waiting. Back on HRT again, things look better, buuuuut, things could certainly be better.

Thing is, I have always felt better after everything than before. I always knew I would be a better woman than a man.

Medically, since I stopped taking any hormones nearly 20 years ago, now I have to deal with osteoporosis and it's ugly little cousin, osteoarthritis.

Stay with the hormones, stay with your new self, learn to love, or at least tolerate, life. You will be on the downhill side of it soon enough.

I was so happy to see you here again, I can't begin to describe it. You made it. You are still winning. Thank you for believing in yourself.

Many hugs, Tanya

Sorry I got so wordy.

[galaxy]

Thanks Tanya for your long answer. I thank all peple that answers. But my last posting was no insight that things are going right from now. That's absolutely not the point. A also didnt find a way to get lucky. I never will be lucky!

The point is that ive seemed to find a way to accept things. Some peple have luck and some other dont. That's life. You cant chose which one you will be. The one gets a good a body or somewhat the other one cancer. Earlier or later you find ways to aceept fate or you will break down in pieces. Thats not transition only.

Sure. Its not fair to get nearly all that things people fear when they start their transition: no breast growth or any visible change of the body,no female fat distribution, hair keep falling out even after SRS and body hair growth in a strong way. Chronical pain and no sex after SRS. But like i said. Iam at a good way to accept that iam a loser.

To be a loser is a kind of freedom too. On the point youve to lose nothing more you are really free. Sure i could lose my job, my flat, the little money. And i hate the feeling of beeing losing it. But iam sure i will come over it. Someday i will overcome all my fears. And maybe i will also overcome the fear to lose my last hair or to been recognized as a man.

Thats the point. When you are able to live your life without any fear and apprehensions you are free. I wished i had these insight a little bit earlier.

[Tanya62]

Hi Galaxy
You figured out a way to play the cards you were dealt.
It won't to be easy. But you sound like you want to play that hand. Good.
Your biggest ally will be patience. Years of it.
You are still relatively young, both in years of life and time in your new life. That is definitely in your favor, big time.
Having all those surgeries is a tremendous, traumatizing shock to your body. The physical reconstruction is painful and time consuming. It may take years for the hormone transition to stabilize, even if you had HRT for years prior to surgery. The psychological change can be daunting, as you have found out.
You can become a stronger woman, and that in itself is where beauty can be found. You don't have to lift forty pounds a hundred times to be good looking. [I just made that up. Pretty good, huh?]
I hope you are ready for that. I think you are.
I de-transitioned back to a male person so I could marry a beautiful woman. She loves me a lot in spite of everything, but if I could do that again, I would not de-transition. That was a BIG mistake.
Stay true to your self, if at all possible.
Keep strong Galaxy.     Thank you for being there.

[Tanya62]

"Thats the point. When you are able to live your life without any fear and apprehensions you are free."

Exactly.

[galaxy]

Thats not a game, Tanya. That's my life. And it sucks. But ive to accept it that iam one of that people whos life sucks. Iam not the kind of people who never fight and say nothing will worth it. I fight all the time. 4 years. Against bad HRT results, against hairloss and since SRS against pain and massive depressions. Everyday i take my sword and goes to my personal battlefield.

And people ask me how iam? How i am? I am alive. Thats my offer. I survived another day. Go to bed, wake up and take my sword. I try to keep my time before mirrors as short as possible. Im my sleeping room ive that kind of big mirror and yes, i wished to find some peace after 4 years but its war. My daily war.

And thats it what ive to accept. My life is war and battle. Not peace or freedom inside. But to accept that iam a loser is another freedom, more space in my mind. When my hair looks crappy i say its okay because iam loser. Losers have grappy hair. Loser have no breast and loser are lonesome.

Like i said. I will find my own peace with that all. Ive to learn that its not good to compare myself to other transsexuals. Its really hard in a time of internet, forums, facebook. Iam not alone. But i should live so.

[stephaniec]

I'm sorry you go through the things you do. I have my own list of things that any other rational mind would accept for validation of death. Eveyone copes in their own way and my coping mechanism is Jesus.

[Tanya62]

Galaxy, I'm sorry I made it sound like a game. I know it isn't easy. I have been living my life with this albatross hanging around my neck for over 50 years. I can't give in, certainly not now.

Every day we get up and we have to address each situation as it arises. Sometimes over and over again. Sometimes we get one chance to make the correct decision. Not a game. I live my life like that too. One day at a time. I try cheering myself up with a little humor. I don't try to offend.

If I upset you with my analogy, I do apologize. I am truly happy you are still here.

Losers don't fight, they lose. You fight. You win. You live.

When you are able to live your life without any fear and apprehensions you are free.

I still think you've got it.

[Anothergirlsparadise]

Thanks Tanya for your long answer. I thank all peple that answers. But my last posting was no insight that things are going right from now. That's absolutely not the point. A also didnt find a way to get lucky. I never will be lucky!

The point is that ive seemed to find a way to accept things. Some peple have luck and some other dont. That's life. You cant chose which one you will be. The one gets a good a body or somewhat the other one cancer. Earlier or later you find ways to aceept fate or you will break down in pieces. Thats not transition only.

Sure. Its not fair to get nearly all that things people fear when they start their transition: no breast growth or any visible change of the body,no female fat distribution, hair keep falling out even after SRS and body hair growth in a strong way. Chronical pain and no sex after SRS. But like i said. Iam at a good way to accept that iam a loser.

To be a loser is a kind of freedom too. On the point youve to lose nothing more you are really free. Sure i could lose my job, my flat, the little money. And i hate the feeling of beeing losing it. But iam sure i will come over it. Someday i will overcome all my fears. And maybe i will also overcome the fear to lose my last hair or to been recognized as a man.

Thats the point. When you are able to live your life without any fear and apprehensions you are free. I wished i had these insight a little bit earlier.

Wow sweet girls on this thread
I know how it feels...

I have several chronic illness and several untreatable mental disorders...
I cant transition further then HRT
And there has not been a day in my life that I did not think of dying...since transition 10 years now...there has not been a day I could let go of thinking about being trans

I thank you girls so much for sharing this
It makes me feel less alone

I try to be as honest as possible on this forum ..
No advice or encouragement or protocol really is able to counter lifes' misery...

Only knowing that you are not entitely alone helps me
Allthough im sorry you have to go through simular pain as I did...you are still here with us...and that makes you a hero in my eyes

And it makes me a hero too

[AutumnLeaves]

I'm afraid you wont understand me. Its not a decision in anger, in pain or in tears. I decide to go with a cool head, a clear mind. Its a more rational decision. It makes me more free to know that i dont have to life with all that.

Transitioning was making my life very complicated - mostly in visible things. Hair, face, body ... I'm a man living as a woman and thats a allday challenge. You cant relax - nowhere, notime. Youre under stress around the clock 24/7. Simple standing up, picking up the parcel from the mailman - thats not possible. I need min. 1 hour to get ready for going outside. And in the fall of the day youve hundert of these complicated things.

I love shopping, but its a desaster everytime. I never find anything fits to my body. No jeans, no skirt, no dress, no shirts. Ive a male body and female clothes are made for females, not for men. So every shopping tour turn into a horrortrip. I love going to rock concerts - sure i try to enjoy the last things left. But even men has mostly longer and thicker hair at concerts then me. Result are tears or i get drunk at this night.

Every place in my life is "infected" by these damned male/female things. I cant do anything without get remembered that i'm not female. Thats soooooo exhausting. My goal was to be a simple girl without these problems. If youre forced to check 24/7 if youre looking a bit like a female, to mask all your male things, like hairloss and male hair pattern, bread, body hair, your shape, breasts ... it needs soooo much power. You cant have sooo much power every day. Its totally impossible. And after all these effort you dont look good or beautiful, but a substandard middle age with male features.

At least i dont want to live forever a life that is sucking so much power everyday that theres nothing left for other thing like friends, music, hobbies.


P.S. I had two breast surgeries. First one with around 300cc and a A cup, second OP with 440cc and a little B now. Ive no money for a third OP.

I know this topic is old, and I do hope you got the help you needed, but I wanted to add a little something: the problems you mention in terms of body issues are not limited to trans women. Regular, day-to-day women assigned female at birth also struggle with unwanted body hair, unhappiness with their breasts, feeling that clothes wouldn't fit, etc. I've known non-trans women, personally, who had worse problems with body hair than I did. Non-trans women sometimes lose their hair after surgery, too, or when they develop hormonal issues. Non-trans women also have breast implants they aren't happy with. I used to worry that at 5'10 I was "too tall" to ever pass well and that my body frame was too large (though I am really more medium, I know realize) to ever make a convincing female. Then I moved in with a roommate who was a non-trans woman who was almost 6'2. She, too, sometimes had the same problems I did finding sweaters that fit and with clothes designed for shorter women.  At this point I realized that, after years of hormones and a few procedures, I wasn't so different from the scores of other women out there who weren't quite happy with themselves.

I do hope you didn't give up. Tomorrow is another day.