Internal conflicts between past and present

[Emileeeee]

Have anybody else ever experienced an internal conflict between the past and present? I just had this happen a couple months ago and still a bit worried by it.

I reconnected with an old friend. We talked about the past, which was pre-transition for me. I felt like I relived the memory, like pre-transition me was coexisting with post-transition me and it was not a good feeling. I couldn't figure out which version was real until the memory faded again.

Maybe I'm partly to blame for this since I chose the public transition route instead of abandoning my past. I hate to think that recalling a happy memory from my past is going to cause what feels like a mental breakdown every time though.

[Sophia Sage]

Emily, this is normal. And it will pass.

Memories of the past can stir up gender dysphoria, especially when brought up with people from before your transition, who may not be gendering you correctly in the present, if not explicitly through names and pronouns, then implicitly, through the subtle cues of interpersonal interaction.

But here's the thing: if you are female in spirit now, perhaps you have always been female in spirit?  In which case, there was never a pre-transition self.  It was always just you.  So be aware that your memories may be... faulty.  Incorrect.  Just like your body, and the perception of it by all the people around you.  You are not your memories. 

And, actually, memories can change.  Remind yourself that you've always been a woman... except when you were only a little girl.  Actively let your current sense of self go back into those past memories.  It can feel a bit like... time travel... especially if you encounter a memory of a future visitation from yourself.

[Emileeeee]

I guess that makes sense. She didn't misgender me or anything and was super sweet. I think the issue is my memories of her are very powerful, because there were feeling there from the past. We never really lost touch, but she's kind of far away so we didn't meet up much.

It's the worst feeling in the world to feel like you're in love with someone while knowing for sure that you're not, at the exact same time, and not being able to figure out which one is true in the present. It's even worse when that conflict destroys a nearly lifelong friendship. I still cry about it once in awhile.

[JoanneB]

...Maybe I'm partly to blame for this since I chose the public transition route instead of abandoning my past. I hate to think that recalling a happy memory from my past is going to cause what feels like a mental breakdown every time though.

Yes, but no

Did you have a choice? As a one that was viable at the time?

I am the Queen of BeatingOneSelfUp. I have PLENTY I could if I really wanted to. But, at whatever point it was in my life, it was "Me". Should Have, Would Have Could Have.... well you did what you felt you needed to. I survived w/ little regrets. You survived also. Like all things in life, in hindsight perhaps something else would have been best.

Was anyone hurt? Killed? Damaged?  Physically? Emotionally?

How much REALLY would have changed if you did something different?

My reality is if I go the full transition route it will be very public. The me I was was and is a "Me" I regret I grew to be. Over the past several years, the Me I am, I feel, I know is far better. I make amends when I feel I need too. I feel bad if I did hurt someone.

What more can you do?

What more can an aggrieved expect you to do?  3 Hail Mary's and 2 Our Father's?

[amazonprincess]

I don't have anything smart to say but i just want to say i know how you feel, sometimes when remembering thew better times in my past as a kid and my friends being fun and stuff, i would also feel/be in the position you're in. For me, i just know i never was that person..ever and that who i am now is how i've always truly felt and that's all that matters..>_<

[Emileeeee]

I'm still kind of at a loss over what happened recently, but I know what it felt like. It was like reliving a memory without the memory, like only the feelings came back. I felt like a kid. My self esteem even plummeted. It was like all the progress I made leading up to and starting my transition completely disappeared just by talking to her. What's more, because it was a friend, I refused to stop talking to her even knowing that was the source of the conflict. Then it just got so bad I couldn't handle it anymore. It was like adult me was yelling at me to stop and kid me refused to.

I do however know the origin of it all and it was something I guess I suppressed. I thought the first time I got to the point of planning a suicide was right before I started my transition, but it happened before that. I'm alive because I met her. That probably explains why it was so powerful. She has no idea about that part, but we already decided not to talk to each other anymore, so I can't call her to tell her.

Right now I just want to figure out how to remember the memory without all the attached feelings. I kind of wish I hated her so it would be easier.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

My only suggestion would be to try meditating on it. Meditation can quiet those noises from the amygdala, which stores emotional memories. Maybe you can come to some sort of acceptance that yes, you had those feelings and felt that way then, but don't feel that way now.

[Kylo]

Yep.

Even long before transition entered my head I had a desire to leave my past and half of my family/friends behind. Mainly because they were not acting as family should or were shaping up to be very poor 'friends'.

The most recent altercation was with my estranged father, who immediately started treating me like a kid after over a decade of no contact. Rather than my esteem dropping out, though, I basically felt superior to him and his attitude. I had spent the last ten years in hell, going through all kinds of things, and all he cared about was having the title of father back when it wasn't deserved. What was the most unpleasant realization - besides the fact he never even asked me how my life was going or had gone - was that the person he "knew" as me was not only something I wasn't, but effectively a child. The only things he would be able to talk about where things long gone and unpleasant, situations I had never enjoyed or felt any love for, and could totally do without... and the only thing he remembered of me was this... kid he could order around and lecture.

So that didn't last very long.

Not long enough to even disclose my transition - although he's probably aware of it on the grapevine by now.

[Emileeeee]

I still don't know why this happened, but I feel pretty confident that what happened was regression. I think talking to her triggered repressed emotions I couldn't cope with, so I regressed to a safe place, a time when they were appropriate. Then when I kept talking to her, it just kept getting worse, since she was both the trigger and the solution. So basically I can never talk to her again without worrying about this happening again and it was so scary, I can't go through it again.