Trying to find some strength

[K3lly]

My drive into work is just under an hour.  To pass the time spent driving for two hours a day, I listen to a lot of audiobooks.  Right now I am listening to She's Not There: A Life in Two Genders by Jennifer Finney Boylan.  I just listened to the part where her trans feelings came to a head and she had to act.  Her description of these feelings was so spot on to my feelings I started to cry.

I have felt for as long as I can remember that being male is very wrong, but there is nothing I can do about it.  I have fought my whole life to push the feelinngs down. 

This year I have accepted I am trans and nothing I can do will change that.  I have tried to incorporate more feminine behaviors and habits in my life, in very small ways.  Often it feels right and comforting.  At other times it triggers achingly terrible bouts of dysphoria, as the female me feels to be infinitely far away.

Like Jennifer Boylan, my biggest hurdle is not wanting to rip my wife's life apart.  I want to shield her from the pain my long held secret would bring.  But what kind of damage am I doing to myself?  How long can I keep this up?

How do I find the strength to put myself first, despite what it will do to the people I love?

[Dena]

By not dealing with this, you are still putting others in pain. One can't contain these feeling without some leaking out and affecting your relationship with others. Many people on the site have posted that their wife thinks that they are a much better person after they start dealing with their issues than before. I have even seen relationships that were on the verge of breaking up recover because the member was able to open up and start sharing. Will your wife accept this, I don't know but you should be aware you could be harming your marriage with your silence.

A full transition isn't always required. Some members find that HRT can reduce the dysphoria to the point that they don't require a transition. You wife might have to tolerate some body changes but their are other options that could buy time.

[Mariah]

I didn't have a spouse coming into this, but for those I loved around me it really came down for me to I couldn't live as I was living anymore. It was transition or die time. I was spiraling into depression and considering my previous brush with death 2 years earlier I knew what would happen this time. I decided I would rather live as me then die the unhappy male I was being forced to live as. A lot of it comes down to what your going to be able to live with. Sooner or later you have to make the choice either yourself or others and sooner or later the choice is yourself regardless and yes it is possible at that point they will get hurt no matter what. It's not an easy choice I know, but being able to include or even just test the waters a little may help give you some indication as to how they will react and handle this. If it helps make lists of pro can cons and at this point which one out weights the other. Then make your decision. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

[KathyLauren]

Don't pre-judge your wife.  Mine really surprised me with her declaration, withing seconds of my coming out, of her total support for me.  In the six months since then, that support has never wavered.  I know that not everyone is this lucky, but you won't know until you try.

I found the strength to come out with some help from the good folks here.  But what convinced me I had to do it was thinking how it would be, in my late eighties if I am lucky, to be lying in a nursing home regretting never having had a chance to be myself.  Having already "wasted" more than 60 years of my life, that was a future I couldn't bear to face.  So I knew I had to do it.

[Denise]

Kelly, there is no guarantee about any of this.  My wife has finally realized it's not a choice for me.  I'm not sure how your Dysphoria materializes, but mine is an uncontrollable anger.  Not violent, just pissed off.  The longer I go without meds the worse it gets.  The second time I 'got off the train' was mentally difficult.  My wife saw that and understands.  Don't get me wrong, she's still pissed, but we are friends and still live together.

I don't know your family situation, kids, parents, but mine are in their mid 20's.  Their reaction, after "OMG" was good luck, it doesn't really affect me.  That generation is ready for it.

As for the book, it's wonderful.  I have stars on almost EVERY page in the book.  The names, places and people are all different but it's me all over.  I recommend it to everyone I tell if they want to understand me better.

Good luck and if you want an IM chat, once you get to 15(?) Posts I'm available.

Sent from my LG-H820 using Tapatalk

[K3lly]

Thank you all for your kind replies.  I know you are all right, I know it in my heart.  I'm just so scared of all of this.  I need to find a gender therapist.  I need to talk this out with someone.  But it all feels like stepping off of a cliff. 

I am scared.  Scared of hurting the ones I love, scared of hurting me, scared of the unknown, and scared of what will happen to me if I dont do something.  Fear has me locked in place, and the dysphoria is suffocating me.  That's the strength I am looking for.  I need to find the strength to act.

[KathyLauren]

Yes, this is scary stuff, especially that first step.  Believe me I know!  And some of the fine folks here know just how scared I was before I took my first step.  But you can start out taking little steps.

Talking to a therapist is just talking.  You don't have to do anything or commit to anything.  Talking to a therapist won't hurt your family and it won't hurt you.  It is probably the best way to get clarity on what is the best course of action for you.

[Paige]

I need to find a gender therapist.  I need to talk this out with someone.  But it all feels like stepping off of a cliff. 

Hi K3lly,

Seeing a therapist is a great first step as KathyLauren said.

I'm one of the unfortunate ones whose wife doesn't really understand.  We've been married 30 years now, For the last 4 months I've been on low dose HRT and it has helped somewhat, but I do still desire to fully transition and I'm pretty sure this would be the end of the relationship.  I know this because I've talk to my wife about this. 

You could hear the line I'm not a lesbian.  But others have found to their surprise that their wife was bisexual.  Unfortunately I wasn't that lucky.

The thing is you have to talk to her to really find out where you stand.  Also remember the initial reaction can change over time.  In some ways I'm amazed my wife and I have managed to stay together this long. 

I would also suggest when you talked to your therapist, ask about marriage therapy and perhaps therapy for your wife.  It may be a shock, but sometimes you've given some hints that she may have suspected.

Good luck,
Paige