Hello

[Selena]

So, I have been lurking on this site for some time and I now feel ready to actually participate so here goes...

My chosen name is Selena. I chose it because it helps me connect to the persona that I've maintained all these years. It has the same number of letters and same initial as my birth name (Samuel). It also has another connection. Selena means "Moon Goddess" and my nickname has been "Okami", which means wolf, since I was 15. My friends started calling me that because I was 6' 1", very hairy, strong, and quick tempered, with an addiction to classic horror movies. They said I looked like the human form of a werewolf. Ironically, I maintained this appearance/personality to hide but I've become attached to the idea.

I've known since I was 6 that I wanted to be female. I had a dream that the genie from Aladdin offered me any thing I wanted and I only asked to be a girl. Since then I've fantasized about having the ability to change my body to that of a female.

As a teenager I learnt what Transgender was and accepted what I was, but I wasn't ready to come out. I hid behind friends that I thought were the "perfect males." Gear-heads, ladies men, jocks...I figured that I could blend in then I would be fine. Of course, this idea fell apart when we graduated and they went away and I was left with just myself and my problems. Even though I am intelligent and a skilled problem solver, I couldn't figure out how to deal with this. I panicked, found the first female that showed interest in me (at 19 this was also my first relationship), married her and had a child. "If I do all the things men do then I can be one." This obviously isn't how it works but at 19 it was the best plan I had. The marriage fell through but I still enjoy a loving relationship with my son.

I immediately fell into the same thing again with a different women, but was able to hide myself in plain sight. She thought I was just wacky for the last 6 years. Until my fantastic breakdown last month when she joked that I was "the perfect girlfriend" and I flew into a fit of tears and apologies.

Though I haven't come out to my family yet, I'm sure my mother wont care seeing as she came out as a lesbian 10 years ago. Her and my aunt are the only family I have that I really care about (excluding girlfriend and son of course).

I wouldn't change anything I've done so far in my life, but I need to decide my future. The only future I can see where I'm happy is the one in which I am female.

My primary concerns are this:

How do I transition? I know I have to. This many years trying to hide have just caused me loads of pain. I can't stay as I am. I know hormones are the right fit for me, at least as a first step, but I have no idea about the process of getting a prescription.

How do I help my son through this? I'm his "dad", and he is only 5. I don't want this to hurt him.



Love to you all,
Selena

[Angela Drakken]

"If I do all the things men do then I can be one." This obviously isn't how it works but at 19 it was the best plan I had.

Y.Y did that dance for about 17 years. It definitely gets easier when you just let go of all of that.
I work in heavy construction as a red seal carpenter, I see a lot of uber macho types, and I can't help but wonder if they're all putting on a front like I used to, we used to. Maybe not to hide the same things, but you know, 'locker room talk.'

How do I help my son through this? I'm his "dad", and he is only 5. I don't want this to hurt him.

I've been trying to rehearse this speech to my two beautiful nieces for some time myself, and I'm still stumped.
They're young and will likely one day forget the 'assigned male' me, and know me as their cool Auntie Angie if they're allowed. (I haven't outed myself to my brother yet.. still dreading that bitter pill also.) The best I came up with is that 'well, you see, your Uncle was under an evil spell and was very unhappy. When they finally couldn't deal with being so unhappy anymore, they found a way to break the spell and now they're happy. Now they're me.'

On the other side of it, part of me almost expects my brother, and others to be like 'Saw that coming. So what?' I'd probably cry, that would be like the BEST case scenario.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. The transition is difficult but if you break it into small pieces, it can be done. The first two things on the list would most likely be a gender therapist who could be the stepping stone to hormones and facial hair removal. Once you get those going and as time permits, work on voice, makeup, wardrobe and part time then moving into full time. We have areas for the forum for most of these discussions and people here to answer your questions. I am all over the site but my strongest places are helping people come out of their shell and voice. I am also gaining knowledge in HRT and some aspects of surgery. Others can help you with makeup and clothing.

As for your 5 year old, that may be one of the easer things you will deal with. Explain that you appear to be a boy on the outside but inside you have always been a girl and over then following year or two, you will be making the outside match the insider. Children that age are pretty accepting and as long as they know you will continue to love them, they will accept most anything.

We issue to all new members the following links so you will best be able to use the web site.

Things that you should read

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

[DawnOday]

I would recommend the first thing you do is meet with a gender therapist to make a plan for your transition. You will also be able to unload some old baggage. Finding the courage to finally discuss my confusion, is the best thing I have ever done, outside of raising my kids. I had gone about 6 times before with the intention of discussing, as far back as 1984. I chickened out each time, instead saying I was stressed. I am astonished at the regularity we knew we were different at about 5-6 years old. It suggests to me. we really didn't have a choice as the evangelicals think we do. And since God is never wrong...
2 Samuel 22:31 (NLT) -- God's way is perfect.  All the Lord's promises prove true.  He is a shield for all who look to Him for protection.
Deut 32.4 He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he.


If this is true. Why am I transgender? Why do my friends consider suicide? Why do my friends cut themselves?

[V M]

Hi Selena 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[Cure Bunny]

Hello Selena

Welcome, and congratulations for taking the first steps on making you you.

Keep flying.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Selena]

Thank you all for the welcome. I'm so glad I found this place.

I'm actually fairly comfortable with a few of aspects of transition already. Since my days in a metal band as a teenager I have maintained chest length hair, rudimentary knowledge of make up, and a largely androgynous clothing style; band/gaming tees, cargo shorts with flashy tights, and Converse (usually pink, purple, or black). Whenever anyone questions why I dress like that I just say, "I play bass." That's usually the end of the conversation. It wouldn't be too big a stretch to swap out the shorts for a nice skirt, use the female cut versions of the same t shirts, and just call it a day.

The other aspect I'm comfortable with is the voice. My natural voice is around 150 hz but I have a range of 115hz-250hz without straining myself. I do need to work on resonance and articulation but I can produce a "passable" voice right now, I just can't sustain it. I've been using Praat to work on my voice for about a week.

I look forward to seeing you all around the forums,

Selena

[Angela Drakken]

Since my days in a metal band as a teenager I have maintained chest length hair, rudimentary knowledge of make up, and a largely androgynous clothing style; band/gaming tees, cargo shorts with flashy tights, and Converse (usually pink, purple, or black). Whenever anyone questions why I dress like that I just say, "I play bass."

I don't know HOW many times the 'I'm in a band.' excuse ended awkward conversations for me.

It wouldn't be too big a stretch to swap out the shorts for a nice skirt, use the female cut versions of the same t shirts, and just call it a day.

Safety pins and scissors are our best friends :3

[Dena]

The other aspect I'm comfortable with is the voice. My natural voice is around 150 hz but I have a range of 115hz-250hz without straining myself. I do need to work on resonance and articulation but I can produce a "passable" voice right now, I just can't sustain it. I've been using Praat to work on my voice for about a week.

From what you wrote, it sounds like your not using the head voice which would solve all your problems. With a natural chest voice of 150 hz, you should have a comfortable head voice in the feminine range with the proper resonance. Let me know if you need help on this thread or in the voice area.

[Rambler]

Selena,

I'm new here too. Your story resonates with me. I have a 3 year old daughter, wife who I've been with since I was 19, and just came to terms with my need to transition. I'm also reminded of my experiences as a child. There were a few times I remember wishing on eyelashes, shooting stars, or 11:11s, when the thought crossed my mind and I committed my deep, dark secret desire. Of course, I whitewashed over those feelings until I got older. I distinctly remember my first real crush when I was 9 or so, and how I laid awake one night wondering what it would be like to be her. During my teen years there was a repressed curiosity. The subject always intrigued me when it came up, but always in the most uncomfortable way.

I worry about telling my daughter this, but we're lucky in the sense that our children are young. They will love us unquestioningly and their little brains are malleable and openly accepting. With a little bit of luck, your son might leave your coming out with as little as a shrug and an "okay!" Before he runs off to play.

I look forward to hearing more about your journey. Best of luck!

[Selena]

So I did talk to my son about it a little. Our favorite band is Steam Powered Giraffe and one of the performers is trans. I showed him one of the older videos were the performer is dressed as male and then another from after her transition. I told him that she had decided that she was unhappy as a boy and wanted to change. He said, "that's cool." So I asked him what he would think if I did that. He said, " Does that mean you're a girl?" I couldn't think of anything to say so I just nodded, trying not to cry. He obviously sensed it and gave me huge hug and just said, "I love you." It was the cutest and most amazing moment we've ever had. I still plan to speak to his therapist that he already sees for separation anxiety about it. I'm afraid that once I start he might be confused, but for now I'm going to take this as a victory.

[Rambler]

That's great! I'm sure there will be a lot of work and questions ahead for him, but your son is off to a great start!

[gennee]

A hearty welcome to Susan's, Selena.

[Angela Drakken]

So I did talk to my son about it a little. Our favorite band is Steam Powered Giraffe and one of the performers is trans. I showed him one of the older videos were the performer is dressed as male and then another from after her transition. I told him that she had decided that she was unhappy as a boy and wanted to change. He said, "that's cool." So I asked him what he would think if I did that. He said, " Does that mean you're a girl?" I couldn't think of anything to say so I just nodded, trying not to cry. He obviously sensed it and gave me huge hug and just said, "I love you." It was the cutest and most amazing moment we've ever had. I still plan to speak to his therapist that he already sees for separation anxiety about it. I'm afraid that once I start he might be confused, but for now I'm going to take this as a victory.

Y~Y Awwww children are amazing, before the world poisons them with dogma..