To begin with don't worry to much, i am addressing the suicide thoughts. I don't expect to much of an answer i just want to vent my thoughts and relice some preasure.
I have been living full time for over a year now. I haven't been missgenderd in about the same time or to be honest a dick thet knew me befor did a few months back. Once i came out to my friends an family i had enugh already and decided to go all in and live full time. At the same time i sought help with a therapist to get a diagnocis (Transsexual) the waiting time for this was about a year though, but this summer i finaly got there. My therapist told me that the diagnocis would come at the earlyest after one full year and that HRT would be posible one year after that. Now for me that sounds like an insane amount of time, I know I'm impatiant. For me my path is so clear, thats the reason i whent full time, i just could not wait to begin live my life as I truely wanted. At first living full time was a life saver i stoped selfharm and my suicide thoughts whent away. Latly though thous suicide thoughts have slowly come back trigerd by the thoughts that I am now stuck waiting for my diagnocis so that i can continue on with my transition with mediacal treatment like HRT and in the end SRS. I feel traped, stuck in this transition. I don't want to have this transition hanging over me i just want to be done, i want to just worry about school work like everyone else. Thats another layer to this cake and probably the catalyst in me feeling bad. I did begin to take my masters degree this atum and the workload is tremendoues. I'm streached to my very full capacety and i just can't deal with the extra adetive of transition. It may sound strange sins i don't have the problem of not passing, my rational mind recognice this but my subcontious doesn't. My subcontious continues to feed in to the idea that im not good enugh as i am now, that im not worth as much as the rest of you that i should not exist. I just feel so daraind of energy all the time, so much of my energy goes tward thinking about the wait, the waith for things to come, the wait for my transition to finaly end.
I wouldn't take back living full time for anything but this wait for the next step is begining to be unbarable.
P.S. I'm sorry for the spelling and my iratic writing, fourtunatly my master isn't in lingvistic...
