Feeling helpless

[Saira128]

       I don't really know, if this is the right thread for my post, but anyway here goes.
       I recently came out to my psychiatrist as a a transgender. Since then, well actually, even before then, I haven't been able to concentrate on anything.
      I continuously think about my dysphoria, I search the internet obssesively. Its taken a toll on my life. I have a college test 7 days from now. I know, I should study for that, but I am not able to.
      I get dreams about being a woman everyday. I am very happy in my dreams. But, everytime I get up, there is a sense of disappointment I just feel sad, very ,very sad.

     I don't know how long I can keep on going like this. I have my 2nd appointment with my psychiatrist today evening.
      I am depressed, and already on anti-depressants, but the meds just don't seem to work.

      Has anyone experienced this before? The obsessive thinking, the sadness?

     I just want to magically transform into a woman. I hate living like this.

     My psychiatrist has consulted me with a psychologist too. I took her appointment, but its in February.
     Everyday, its getting harder to just get through the day. I can't even imagine, what I would be like in Feb. And even then, there is no guarantee that she will give the green signal for hormones.

      I'm so sorry for spreading all this negativity on the forum. I just want it to end.


With love,
Saira.

[zamber74]

Just hang in there, it is a miserable feeling, that is for sure.  Waking up and realizing it was all a dream hurts.  But you are on your way, you are progressing and that is amazing!  And hey, you are not spreading negativity, you are sharing your thoughts. 

It is a struggle, that is for certain.  Don't beat yourself up over it, it is a miserable feeling for certain, and it is not your fault you feel this way.

[Michelle_P]

This sure sounds familiar.  The feeling that you can't focus, the obsessing, and that sense of depression are, well... depression.  Find a way to relax, breathe slowly, and release the unpleasantness.  Trying to suppress it, fight it down just keeps you engaged in it, that feeling of obsession.

Your psychiatrist can give you some simple exercises that will help you let it go, wash over and past you, rather than drown you.

[LizK]

Hi Saira

Yeah it gets hard to keep it all together when the Dysphoria is kicking your butt and you cannot even escape it in your sleep. I experience my Dysphoria chasing me into sleep and have woken crying on more than one occasion. The early days can be very hard partly because of all the horrible things you are telling yourself about you. All the stuff that gets tossed around so easily becomes harder to take...

I started to write...don't worry about grammar spelling or anything just write it down...how you feel, why you feel that way, what you want to do, what you don't...just keep writing. If you are feeling really anxious I found walking helped.
But remember this

There is nothing wrong with how you feel
This is not your fault
You are not inflicting anything on anyone
You are a valuable person
You have done nothing wrong

It does get better, I don't think easier just better...being trans can be very hard but incredibly rewarding especially when we take some of our first steps.

Stay positive

Liz 

[Rachel_Christina]

Saira, hang in there girl,
You must not stress about it too much, its always a waiting game.
I know its hard I had to wait half a year from when I decided to go for it.
But ther is things you can do! Ther are herbs and things that can block abit testosterone or boost estrogen in the body.
For me the main fear was T having continued effects on my body. I had found herbs that I thought wher working and it really helped me, I really don't know did they work atall, I honestly don't want to know, the point is I believed it helped me and helped me get passed those months of waiting!
You can work on your hair your skin, maybe even your wardrobe. I would always pick up nice things if I seen them!
Jewlery or a handbag! :3

I hope you get through this, you won't need the antidepressants once you get on HRT! I am sure of it!
Hang in ther, and we are here to see these rants and help

[Saira128]

Just hang in there, it is a miserable feeling, that is for sure.  Waking up and realizing it was all a dream hurts.  But you are on your way, you are progressing and that is amazing!  And hey, you are not spreading negativity, you are sharing your thoughts. 

It is a struggle, that is for certain.  Don't beat yourself up over it, it is a miserable feeling for certain, and it is not your fault you feel this way.

Thank you so much!

[Saira128]

This sure sounds familiar.  The feeling that you can't focus, the obsessing, and that sense of depression are, well... depression.  Find a way to relax, breathe slowly, and release the unpleasantness.  Trying to suppress it, fight it down just keeps you engaged in it, that feeling of obsession.

Your psychiatrist can give you some simple exercises that will help you let it go, wash over and past you, rather than drown you.

Thank you so much Michelle. I plan to go for a jog every morning, but when I wake up, there is just so much pain, that I start crying.
    I hope tomorrow will be better.
    I want to tell one of my close friends that I am trans. I just want someone who I can talk with anytime.

[Saira128]

Hi Saira

Yeah it gets hard to keep it all together when the Dysphoria is kicking your butt and you cannot even escape it in your sleep. I experience my Dysphoria chasing me into sleep and have woken crying on more than one occasion. The early days can be very hard partly because of all the horrible things you are telling yourself about you. All the stuff that gets tossed around so easily becomes harder to take...

I started to write...don't worry about grammar spelling or anything just write it down...how you feel, why you feel that way, what you want to do, what you don't...just keep writing. If you are feeling really anxious I found walking helped.
But remember this

There is nothing wrong with how you feel
This is not your fault
You are not inflicting anything on anyone
You are a valuable person
You have done nothing wrong

It does get better, I don't think easier just better...being trans can be very hard but incredibly rewarding especially when we take some of our first steps.

Stay positive

Liz 

I just hope it would get better.
    The last week or so, I have been crying myself to sleep and crying again upon waking up. I don't remember the last time I felt happy when I was awake.
   
     I know I want to transition, and yet, whenever I go out in public, I always feel  pressurized to be overtly manly. I'm so sick of it and yet, when I leave my room, I know I will act like a guy.
    I hate that feeling of pretending. Its like acting in a drama every moment of my life. I am always consciously aware about how I walk, how I talk. Its getting so tiring.
   
     I have never had thoughts about suicide, I think life is worth more than that.
But, for the first time in my life today, I entertained the thoughts of just ending it. I got scared I might do something, so I started writing.
 
    I feel better now. Not good, but still, a lot better. I don't really remember, when I last felt happy.

     Thank you for being there.

  Love,
   Saira.

[Saira128]

Saira, hang in there girl,
You must not stress about it too much, its always a waiting game.
I know its hard I had to wait half a year from when I decided to go for it.
But ther is things you can do! Ther are herbs and things that can block abit testosterone or boost estrogen in the body.
For me the main fear was T having continued effects on my body. I had found herbs that I thought wher working and it really helped me, I really don't know did they work atall, I honestly don't want to know, the point is I believed it helped me and helped me get passed those months of waiting!
You can work on your hair your skin, maybe even your wardrobe. I would always pick up nice things if I seen them!
Jewlery or a handbag! :3

I hope you get through this, you won't need the antidepressants once you get on HRT! I am sure of it!
Hang in ther, and we are here to see these rants and help

Thank you Christine. I would love it if you could tell me the names of the herbs.
    I hate being such a sob story all the time. I just never have ever felt such immense sadness before.
     I know you girls will be with me at every step of my transition.
     
   
           I used to be happy till a few years ago. I think I remember being quite happy till I was 14-15 years old.
         I don't exactly know when I stopped living and started just existing.

       I don't know if my depression is a result of my dysphoria.
       I just hope tomorrow will be better.

      Sorry, I know I rant occasionally. I hope I can post some of my images in the looking fabulous thread in the future.

[Rachel_Christina]

I will PM you whay I did,
Don't worry to much, try stay calm and relaxed,
You have come to terms with yourself and want to move forward as fast as possible. The system is slow and will get us down, no matter where in the world we are.
I was the same too, it helped that I had someone to talked to in real life, I opened the flood gates on her, but she took all my problems like a champ! she saved me.
If you had someone in your life that you could talk would be great, someone face to face, you would have come out to someone, and you will feel liberated and as if you have advanced a little part of your transition!
You will most definitly be posting in ther soon enough.
I can't wait to see that long black hair grow out!

[Saira128]

Hey! Thanks Christine. I'll find someone close to talk to.
     How did you know my hair was black? :-)

[AnxietyDisord3r]

       I don't really know, if this is the right thread for my post, but anyway here goes.
       I recently came out to my psychiatrist as a a transgender. Since then, well actually, even before then, I haven't been able to concentrate on anything.
      I continuously think about my dysphoria, I search the internet obssesively. Its taken a toll on my life. I have a college test 7 days from now. I know, I should study for that, but I am not able to.
      I get dreams about being a woman everyday. I am very happy in my dreams. But, everytime I get up, there is a sense of disappointment I just feel sad, very ,very sad.

     I don't know how long I can keep on going like this. I have my 2nd appointment with my psychiatrist today evening.
      I am depressed, and already on anti-depressants, but the meds just don't seem to work.

      Has anyone experienced this before? The obsessive thinking, the sadness?

     I just want to magically transform into a woman. I hate living like this.

     My psychiatrist has consulted me with a psychologist too. I took her appointment, but its in February.
     Everyday, its getting harder to just get through the day. I can't even imagine, what I would be like in Feb. And even then, there is no guarantee that she will give the green signal for hormones.

      I'm so sorry for spreading all this negativity on the forum. I just want it to end.


With love,
Saira.

You aren't spreading negativity. In terms of the emergency that is your life right now I suggest taking a few minutes ever day for Awareness Meditation. There are some good ones here: http://vital.phhp.ufl.edu/audio/mindful.html

You can also search on Youtube for awareness meditation. A basic one is to focus on your breathing. This will interrupt the stream of negative thoughts and feelings you are experiencing right now.

Long term, you will have to come to terms with being pre-transition. But short term you can escape from your thoughts for a few minutes. There is a lot of research validating this approach. Also, it worked for me (and some other members on this forum who will tell you about it).

If you start having suicidal thoughts I would suggest contacting a suicide hotline or a trans crisis hotline ASAP. Can you use internet dialing to reach numbers in a different country?

[josie76]

Yes, yes and yes. I was there just a very short time ago.
It took a couple of weeks to find a licensed therapist to work with. That might be an option since an appointment with the phycologist is so far out. If you need the help then search for a therapist sooner rather than later. The couple of weeks it took to find a therapist who actually bothered to call me back was excruciating. I see my therapist each week and it has helped emmensly.

Stay strong. Try to take it one step at a time.

[Saira128]

You aren't spreading negativity. In terms of the emergency that is your life right now I suggest taking a few minutes ever day for Awareness Meditation. There are some good ones here: http://vital.phhp.ufl.edu/audio/mindful.html

You can also search on Youtube for awareness meditation. A basic one is to focus on your breathing. This will interrupt the stream of negative thoughts and feelings you are experiencing right now.

Long term, you will have to come to terms with being pre-transition. But short term you can escape from your thoughts for a few minutes. There is a lot of research validating this approach. Also, it worked for me (and some other members on this forum who will tell you about it).

If you start having suicidal thoughts I would suggest contacting a suicide hotline or a trans crisis hotline ASAP. Can you use internet dialing to reach numbers in a different country?

I'll look into the awareness meditation technique. Thank you.
    I don't think I'll ever try to commit suicide. I'm not weak, I want to live.
    I had a session with my psychiatrist today. Next one is 15 days later.
   

[Saira128]

Yes, yes and yes. I was there just a very short time ago.
It took a couple of weeks to find a licensed therapist to work with. That might be an option since an appointment with the phycologist is so far out. If you need the help then search for a therapist sooner rather than later. The couple of weeks it took to find a therapist who actually bothered to call me back was excruciating. I see my therapist each week and it has helped emmensly.

Stay strong. Try to take it one step at a time.

Thank you so much Josie.
    I went to my psychiatrist appointment today. It felt so good to talk. My appointment with the psychologist is on the 1st of February. Maybe a little bit earlier, if a slot opens up.

[Sephirah]

Has anyone experienced this before? The obsessive thinking, the sadness?

You'd be surprised how many people have, hon.

I always equated it to a dam. A giant concrete dam of guilt, denial, shame, ignorance, disbelief and hopelessness. One created by every experience we ever went through. And behind that dam is a powerful, deep lake of self-knowledge, just looking for a way out.

Once the first crack appears in that dam, it's like a huge release of pressure and the crack keeps widening and widening. More cracks appear, a sense of momentum and then... WHOOOSH, it crumbles. And the lake of self-knowledge surges out and becomes a foaming river with purpose.

It's overwhelming. This vast river of self-knowledge and self-awareness engulfs everything. It roars over everything else we think about with incredible energy. Almost as though it knows it was held back for so long and needs to be free.

Don't apologise for getting it out here, hon. That's what places like this exist for. It's very common to feel like your mind is racing and nothing else in the world can possibly catch up. You see the end while the world around you still hasn't figured out the beginning. Because that's how the mind works.

You're finding yourself at a blistering speed. You're not helpless, it just seems like that because you're hanging on for dear life while the river around you surges forward. Eventually it will find its level, and calm. Just hang in there. Focus on the things you're doing to help you achieve that vision you have in your mind's eye. You'll get there. *hugs*

[Saira128]

You'd be surprised how many people have, hon.

I always equated it to a dam. A giant concrete dam of guilt, denial, shame, ignorance, disbelief and hopelessness. One created by every experience we ever went through. And behind that dam is a powerful, deep lake of self-knowledge, just looking for a way out.

Once the first crack appears in that dam, it's like a huge release of pressure and the crack keeps widening and widening. More cracks appear, a sense of momentum and then... WHOOOSH, it crumbles. And the lake of self-knowledge surges out and becomes a foaming river with purpose.

It's overwhelming. This vast river of self-knowledge and self-awareness engulfs everything. It roars over everything else we think about with incredible energy. Almost as though it knows it was held back for so long and needs to be free.

Don't apologise for getting it out here, hon. That's what places like this exist for. It's very common to feel like your mind is racing and nothing else in the world can possibly catch up. You see the end while the world around you still hasn't figured out the beginning. Because that's how the mind works.

You're finding yourself at a blistering speed. You're not helpless, it just seems like that because you're hanging on for dear life while the river around you surges forward. Eventually it will find its level, and calm. Just hang in there. Focus on the things you're doing to help you achieve that vision you have in your mind's eye. You'll get there. *hugs*

Thank you so much for your lovely comment.
     It feels so nice to talk with you all. Everytime someone here refers to me by girl or hon, I get butterflies in my stomach. It just feels so good.  It feels so right.

      I have never had any problems with being referred to by male pronouns, but I have come to understand that I definitely prefer female ones.

    Thank you for being there.

[Karlee]

Hey Saira,

A lot of the lovely people in this community have given you some great advice. I just wanted to offer my support to you as well.

You're not alone in this. There are so many of us with so many of the same feelings as you, and there are so many of us with feelings that are so different. There is no one way to be trans, and there is no one way to deal with it. You're unique and beautiful in your own individual way!

The main thing is to look after yourself. I can relate to your feelings, especially with being distracted and unable to concentrate - I too am supposed to be studying right now! I've noticed so many ebbs and flows with my feelings; for me, it's never just constant. It changes all the time, which makes things even more confusing.

The point is, don't worry so much about it all. You are taking steps forward, which is great. Focus on your progress and embrace the journey. Remember, you're at the very start and you've got a lot of great things ahead of you.

Much love,
Karlee <3

[Rachel]

Hi,

You are on you way and you are doing something to address who you are. Once your trans coping skills get overwhelmed then everything comes at you and it is difficult to think about anything else.

It can help to do something for yourself each day. Perhaps that is wearing something under your clothing or shaving or taking a bath with some nice scents. Perhaps paint your toenails.

I also found it important to try to put limits on thinking about trans things. Studying is one of the things I did that helped a lot. You can write down all the things you would like to do and when, a plan or a time line. I did this and have accomplished many things on my time line and have five or so to go.

You are not alone and many of us here know exactly what you are going through. 

[Kylo]

When I was a younger kid I wanted the magical transformation. I even half-convinced myself it was going to happen and of course it didn't. I got depressed, then resolved that I didn't want to die - if only to give Life the finger and tell it I'm never checking out on my own, it'd have to KILL me - and tried to ignore it as best I could and get on with trying to do other things in life. At that point I never knew transition was even a possibility for someone like me. I thought it was either something very ill or very rich people got to do... not someone like me who was pretty ordinary.

The moment I found out I could transition I hardly dared entertain the thought for a while because I knew I'd go for it. At any cost.

So just think... it's a possibility, it's something you can do. It won't happen overnight but imagine if there was no way ever it could be a reality - we know it can be. We have that chance.