Being trapped in a woman's body and being intersex

[dmj23]

I have a rare form of swyer's syndrome. Well basically from my results it showed I had swyer's syndrome with a karyotype of xxy. I never had any symptoms because of the combination of the two conditions. With Swyer's syndrome it deletes the y chromosomal sry genes and usually people with Swyer's syndrome only have one x chromosome and one y chromosome they are genetically typically the same as the traditional male xy chromosomes. Which causes them to not develop ovaries but instead gonadal streaks a small uterus and fallopian tubes cervix and normal female genitalia. I have xxy chromosomes which caused me to develop ovaries because I have 2 x chromosomes and a y chromosome that doesn't function properly due to the genes on my sry that are linked to Swyer's syndrome. Its important in puberty because usually with Swyer's syndrome you don't experience puberty but instead for me because of the extra x chromosome I went through puberty actually early at 7 and was the only possibly medically related symptom I had on the outside appearance because I actually read about a case where a girl with xxy syndrome in conjunction with Swyer's syndrome had precocious puberty with similar symptoms I had. Sadly I didn't get medical treatment for this condition.



And so this too went undetected so when I turned 12 I literally felt trapped and sad and still sad now that I know more than I did then. But I consistently felt like what happened to Me had somehow to do with a disorder that it was somehow not normal and that I wasn't normal and I had no reason to believe this I wasn't very masculine in character and definitely not very masculine in appearance I was barely over 5ft and skinny with an ample chest and no one would have ever guessed. And for me it was always exactly that my body. Knowing my body turned out differently somehow but not quite knowing why. Like I always knew I was supposed to have a penis and that I was supposed to have male sex organs and genotype etc and that I was to look male but I didn't and I didn't even know what disorder I just felt that I was disordered physically and for those reasons I felt I was stuck in a woman's body but if a simple glitch was fixed I wouldn't have been female at all. I tried to hide behind the internet in my teens and pretend I was a regular boy and I always saw my true self as disordered physically even though I looked like a normal woman.



i was trapped inside a woman's body and didnt have a viable way out. I had done research on transitioning from female to male i didnt think i could get a complete reverse in my sex really on the level i needed. I felt like id leave this and get worst because i wouldn't be female but i didnt feel like id be man enough to not fall into depression because my issue is my body in many ways science doesnt know how to treat. I literally have always felt trapped because of this.



And this trap I eventually tried to accept. I accepted to some extent like I always thought the body GOD gave me was beautiful but I just never felt I was her it was all just a facade a mask sort of. In my upper teens I started getting to know other transgender teens and I went to transgender support groups. I never clicked with them. I clicked with gay men that identified stronger being men than anything else. And I've known since I was about 12 that's what I would've been. Gay maybe even gender bending at times but under well understanding I'm just a guy. I was always ashamed embarrassed and scared of that truth about me and above all jealous. Because the only people that say they are gay men when biologically female people think are mentally ill people. I'd come out as transgender once and when people knew I was only interested in men and biologically what they thought was female they assumed I was insane because of that whole stereotype.



I quit on coming out fast because I felt I was caught in between I didn't want to cross dress I didn't want hormones and I didn't want to be with a woman. I have never really had an affinity either way put of what fits as far as physique for me because sometimes I felt I looked stupid in male identified clothing and I never had any desire to either side other than like what fit me better. Much of the time getting dressed has always had an unpleasant ring to it because I don't look like the person I've always known I was supposed to be. Its actually better when I dress really feminine because I don't see a representation of who I'd really be if things were different but I mean its a convincing case to others that I am a regular woman. And I don't feel that when I present in traditional male attire because I look like realistically like a woman in male attire with a short hair cut. Lol. So for me I always felt I looked like an utter fool. And I don't want to be a fool. I just want to be a normal guy that's all I ever wanted. And the issue with hormones was I have always been scared I'll end killing myself because I don't know if I'll achieve what I really want and what I want is my body back the body I'd have actually had as that's all I really ever have wanted and I know that's impossible and thirdly I want to have kids I'd have preferred being a father than being pregnant  and becoming a mom but I have to make best with what I have sometimes I think life is just playing the best put of the hand you're given you know? Because if I were to transition I just don't know if I would be satisfied I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be tbh.




Because the root of my issue has always been my body and feeling trapped in a body I wouldn't have if I had a functional y chromosome. I could have had normal functional xxy chromosomes and I'd have been born male just with klinefelter's syndrome which is manageable more than having Swyer's syndrome on top of xxy syndrome which exacerbated the situation. And left me in the dark for 22 years. I found out serendipitously after taking a DNA test that showed I had xxy karyotype and some of the genes were even in common with those seen in people with swyers syndrome.


And still after all of this I still feel trapped and like all choices are poor choices.

[dmj23]

Done Editting.

[dmj23]

Also when I was a kid and stuff starting off since I can remember I've always aligned closer with my male peer than female but that never bothered me it wasn't until I realized had gone through a puberty that was caused by this condition that I started to think I wasn't really female.

[dmj23]

Anyone? Advice?

[KathyLauren]

If I understand correctly, your body presents a more female than male appearance, but you identify as (mostly?) male. 

I would recommend starting with a good gender therapist to work out a course of action that will work for you.  While your medical history may present a challenge for an endocrinologist, I am sure that they can work out an HRT regime that would work for you if that is what you choose to do. 

[dmj23]

I do present as female but that's not what bothers me what bothers me is how my body is female mostly outside of my karyotype. I technically have 2 intersex related conditions the xxy and swyer's syndrome Swyers syndrome has taken a toll on me because I wasn't born because I was born with female genitalia and stuff because of how my y chromosome was inactive. My other issue isi hold myself to another standard and I'm concerned I won't get the full transition well enough for me to see myself as a man. Because right now I look in the mirror nude and I look like a small petit top heavy female if I were to transition and get caught in the middle I fear I'd end up like that guy who elected to be euthanized after his sex reassignment failed.

If I understand correctly, your body presents a more female than male appearance, but you identify as (mostly?) male. 

I would recommend starting with a good gender therapist to work out a course of action that will work for you.  While your medical history may present a challenge for an endocrinologist, I am sure that they can work out an HRT regime that would work for you if that is what you choose to do.