hey people

[Billy]

hey
i have been struggling with my feelings about who i am almost all my life. when i was little, i could dress up like a boy and no one cared. now everyone expects me to wear bras and act like a girl and stuff. and i do it too, i live with my mom and little sister, so its easy to pretend. i'm never happy though. i would much rather cut my hair short, wear baggy jeans and skateboard or play video games. i was blessed (well blessed for me anyway), with a tall rather masculine figure and barely A cup sized breasts. i am pretty much in denial though. everytime i see something about transsexual people, i get freaked out and either leave the room, change the subject, switch TV channels etc etc. i dont know if thats normal or not. i do know that i can get really depressed when i stop and think, hey i'm a girl. UGH. 
online i "pose" as a guy almost everywhere because i feel like its the only time i can really be me. im too scared to talk to my mom because even though she is a pretty accepting person, she made fun of my sister (behind her back, to ME of all people) when she found she was bisexual. i cant imagine what she'd say if i told her.    i feel like the people around me must be really stupid if they dont know though. i am male about almost everything i do. i would really like to talk to someone just to see if i am normal because i am so full of denial about everything. is denial NORMAL? it seems like the stories i've read about people like me, they're just happy to be able to figure themselves out. ugh i'm so confused. well thanks to anyone who took the time to read all that. it was really long...ahaha

BILLY
(Billy and Bryan are the two most common names I have used online... havent really decided between the two to be honest)

[edit] Personal information removed ~ Steph[/edit]

[Dennis]

Yes, the denial is normal. I held that until I was 42 years old. If you live with your parents, it's that much harder to break out of the expectations.

If you can find a counsellor or therapist who is sympathetic, that might help you get through the earlier years until you are more free to make a decision about whether you want to transition or can make a compromise that doesn't involve transition.

And you can always post here. We're a friendly crowd.

Dennis

[Peggiann]

Hi Billy,

You know, it's ok to be looking for answers to the questions you have. So don't feel bad or beat yourself up over it. From what I understand, yes denial is something many experience. Everyone is very uniqie and each has their own story that may or may not be the same as yours. Don't worry if you don't fit exactly to others patterms and mannerisms. Have you thought of talking to a counseler where you attend school or maybe your minister or church head depending on your religious views?

Here at Susan's Place you'll find much information and others will share and try to answer your question. We're all a very freindly bunch and will tell you honestly our views and takes on things. So welcome and post more about yourself and your feelings. Mayeb someone here will be able to help you discover and define your realself more clearly.

Smiles,
Peggiann

[Cassandra]

Hello Billy,

Welcome to Susan's. Yes you are normal, if being transexual can be considered normal. You'll find most of us TS's here look at our bodies as one big birth defect. A cosmic joke of which we are the brunt.

You'll find many of us here know exactly where you are at. We have as they say been there done that. The important thing is you are not alone and there are a lot more of us than moest people think. I believe one estimate says 1 in 10,000 are born with GID(Gender Identity Dysphoria). That's 30,000 of us in the US alone. So you see there are a lot of us.

I was born in the mid 50's. I was sent to Psycotherapists at the age of 10 and after two years of those neanderthals trying to "cure" me, I learned to bury my feminine self very very deep. I won't even go inot the dark age treatments that entailed. As with all GID my true self could not remain buried forever and reared it's head about 3 years ago. Now I live full time in my true gender, I'm working towards full transition and I could not be happier.

As you are still living at home this will be a tough time for you but not without hope. There are things you can do. Cutting your hair short is a lead pipe cinch. You can cut it and there is little anyone can do about that and it does not involve coming clean about your GID.

As you read thru the posts and other threads here you will come to learn a great deal about TG issues and a lot about yourself. With time you will find the courage to become yourself and we will be there to advise and offer our heartfelt support. Susan's is like no other site you have ever visited. We speak frankly, honestly and we don't hold back even when it's something you may not want to here but need to here just the same.

Always remember when you come to Susan's you are amongst friends. No one will judge you. If anyone does, well, that's what moderators are here for. We make sure everyone plays nice.

You have a lot of reading to do so be sure you've read the site rules and check out the Wiki. The Wiki is a great place to start learning about yourself and the many colors of TG. Our Wiki administrator Stephanie Craxford works very hard to make the Wiki as comprehensive and information packed as she can. So fix yourself a cup of tea or other age appropriate relaxing beverage, sit down, take your shoes off and set a spell.

Good Journey,

Cassie

P.S. You may also notice that long posts are fairly common on these boards. 

[Joseph]

Hi Billy,

  As others have already said, welcome to Susan's.  Almost every word you wrote also pertains to me, except that I don't live with my immediate family (not because I'm estranged but because I'm old enough to live on my own  ) and I'm not in denial anymore.  Oh, and I'm not tall.    Anyways, you're definitely not alone.  I think many people here can identify with the feelings of being the wrong sex and wanting desperately to escape the body they were born in.  I also went through years of denial before GID (as Cassie put it) "reared its head" and I was forced to deal with it.  I look forward to hearing more from you and offering thoughts (and hopefully support!) whenever possible.

All the best,
Joseph

[taylor]

Hey Billy,

No not alone at all!  Many of us do experience and see things differently. So denial may or may not be experienced by others. 

I think a lot of the time the denial is there only out of fear. If you accept it, then you have to deal/cope with it. And the fear that you may never get help, that can scare a person enough to avoid acceptance. It can all be very overwhelming!

Help, transitioning can seem so impossible to receive, but remember this, it can be done. The avenues people take vary too by the way.

Let me add too, some of us do not believe in GID or pretty much do not believe in it except rare ocassions. I do not believe the majority of people who are identified as being trans identities, have a "conditon" or "birth defect" at all.  I do however believe in a spectrum of sex identity and gender identity, sometimes it lines up, some times it does not. And then there is the matter of the culture you live in.

So you may find that you don't always agree with others, even though you share some commonalities.

What matters most is that you believe in yourself, and be true to yourself. The rest will follow, but it does take a lot of inner strength.  There is support out here just hang in there.

Peace,
Taylor

[Billy]

thank you for all the kind words people, makes me feel better 
i "jokingly" asked my mom what she'd do if I came out to her as a transsexual (sorry not really sure of the exact terminology yet, so correct me if that was the wrong term to use)... her response was "Well that would be extremely weird because I am absolutely certain I would know if you were one." 

i guess i am really tired of hiding... maybe not from other people, but from myself. the older i get, the more i feel like i can't go on living in this stupid body. and i think its weird my mom said that too, cause she knows i was basically a boy until 12 or so. nobody thought it was weird. my dad wanted a son... so he treated me like one, i liked it, it was all good. i miss those days.  :-[ everybody thinks i should be mad at my father for how he treated me, but i loved it and him more then anything in the world cause he is the only person in my whole life who has treated me like i want.

i think i am getting over the denial part more and more, even as the days go by. a month ago i wouldnt have been caught dead on this website, but now i'm here and the urge to... transition, i guess is getting more and more urgent. maybe i am just becoming more accepting of who i am. knowing that there's people like me really helps too. But I know I'm sure as hell not going to live life like I am if I don't have to.

BILLY

[Dennis]

My mum did exactly the same thing, Billy. Acted as though it was a complete surprise, even though I spent my childhood essentially being a boy. I even remember her freaking out because my friend and I used male pronouns to refer to each other. A mother's capacity for denial should never be underestimated.

And yes, transsexual is the correct term for someone who wants medical intervention to make his or her body match the mind.

First step for anyone is therapy to deal with any underlying issues and perhaps get a diagnosis of GID (Gender Identity Disorder) if appropriate.

Dennis

[Andre]

Hey buddy! Welcome to Susan's Denial is normal...because u're aware what confession brings. It'll be harder for most people to disregard your bio gender...especially in your family. I've always felt there's something different...always wanted to be seen as a boy... always wore male clothes but heh can't say I'm 100% male in my mind. Probably 70%. There are moments when just can't stop myself of  sensing the female side...become so emotional, write "sweet"  verses and blush...
My problem is that I feel both personalities..but much more male than female. Still that can be inconvenient...to blush in specific moments...

[Dennis]

Wait till you start T Andre. I blush like a teenage boy now. I'm hoping I'll outgrow it soon.

Dennis

[Sophie]

Hi Billy, I'm in a very, very similar situation to you. I lived pretty much as a boy all through childhood, and despite that I'm still prone to bouts of doubt/denial, and I know everyone's said this already - but that's normal.

Welcome.

[Victoria L.]

Hey! Welcome!

I have to say I know exactly what you're talking about... we're just opposites. Most people on the internet know me as a girl... It's basically the only place I can be myself! Just like you!

Well, this is a great place to get out your pain, because we know what you're going through!

Hope to see you post more!

~Victoria~