Advice from other Girlfriends/Wives Needed

[mrsgrey]

Hi! Just joined like an hour ago. I realized that this is something I can't go through alone and I'm going to need some mentoring.

My boyfriend (FTM) and I have been together for about two months. He's been in transition for five months and we've known each other as platonic friends for 10 years.

The amount of love I feel for this guy is deep. Like, I almost don't recognize myself and this happiness I have. He's amazing and life just made our lives cross at the best time.

As you all may know, there are mood swings and worries with hormone balancing and health issues that arise with transitioning. It's stressful and I get that.

He accuses me of not being comforting, which is what he craves more than me problem solving.

Problem solving is what I am built to do. The lack of me being comforting has made me question if I will ever be a fit mother in the past. My friends come to me when they want a dose of reality, not to cry on my shoulder.

With that said, how can I be more comforting, more nurturing? We just had a huge argument which prompted me to seek help from outside my very small circle of lesbian friends and cis coworkers who wouldn't understand what I'm going through. (My boyfriend is stealth about his transition.)

Thank you in advance for your replies [emoji171]


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[Raell]

You can probably blame the behavior on the hormones.

I'm not on T, but I take Mexican Sarsaparilla, which gives a natural boost to your own testosterone. I have plenty of my own, as a partial transmale.

It only takes a tiny amount of sarsaparilla to work, but when I first started taking it, I took too much. That's when I experienced a sort of natural plant hormone "roid rage," where I found I suddenly had a confrontational hair-trigger temper and felt irritable. Luckily, I resemble a tiny, delicate female, or I could have gotten fired from my job, or in a fight.

It scared me, and when I later began reading transmale autobiographies, I found that transmales starting on T often act explosively angry or become less considerate with their girlfriends, often resulting in a breakup.

I've read about transwomen acting out on hormones as well, and experienced the receiving end of moody craziness from an old high school friend when she started transitioning.

[Sophia Sage]

With that said, how can I be more comforting, more nurturing?

The desire to problem-solve, to "fix" things, is rooted in control. Exercising control is comforting for you, but not necessarily for anyone else -- because most people, I think, like to figure out problems for themselves.  So let go of that.  Exercise control in other ways -- like over yourself, for example.

Ask him what he wants, how he feels, how his day went.  Listen.  Ask more questions, and give feedback indicating you simply understand what he's just said.  Hold his hand, give hugs, and just be close (but not smothering).  Be sympathetic and empathic -- affirm that what he's said makes sense, and that it's okay, that he'll be okay.  Share similar situations that you were in, if applicable -- but not what you did or failed to do to overcome your problems (unless and until he asks), just situations that carried the same emotional resonance.

Ask what you can do to help, and then do it.  It might be making food, or a cup of tea.  It might be holding him, or putting on music or a TV show, just sitting on the couch together.  Smile warmly. 

This is how you solve the problem of being more comforting. 

[mrsgrey]

The desire to problem-solve, to "fix" things, is rooted in control. Exercising control is comforting for you, but not necessarily for anyone else -- because most people, I think, like to figure out problems for themselves.  So let go of that.  Exercise control in other ways -- like over yourself, for example.

Ask him what he wants, how he feels, how his day went.  Listen.  Ask more questions, and give feedback indicating you simply understand what he's just said.  Hold his hand, give hugs, and just be close (but not smothering).  Be sympathetic and empathic -- affirm that what he's said makes sense, and that it's okay, that he'll be okay.  Share similar situations that you were in, if applicable -- but not what you did or failed to do to overcome your problems (unless and until he asks), just situations that carried the same emotional resonance.

Ask what you can do to help, and then do it.  It might be making food, or a cup of tea.  It might be holding him, or putting on music or a TV show, just sitting on the couch together.  Smile warmly. 

This is how you solve the problem of being more comforting.

That was great feedback. Thank you. We are also LDR, so some of the things are a little impossible, but ... yes, on point, and great advice. Thank you so much.


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[Jacqueline]

Welcome to the site.

You have been given some great advice that I can't really improve on. Comforting things tends to be an emotional need. So, take care of your needs but ask about his emotional needs too.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment to:

Things that you should read

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
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Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna