Feeling suicidal - relationship issues

[Donna]

One more thing about service to the world.
My silly, silly son. He is so naive, he thinks that all transgender leanings can be solved by a commitment to a lifetime of service to humanity. He is so blind. I do service to the world now. But my NEED TO LIVE AS A WOMAN HAS NOT GONE AWAY! I am a transgender woman. Close to ten co-workers at my place of employment, a grocery store, know I am transgender and I identify as female. Only one man knows at work. He wants to be a friend and come to my beach place. I told him that my neighbors at the beach know my as Donna. He gave me a fist bump. We are cool.
But nothing, nothing makes a person's desire to live in the person's gender of choice go away. Nothing.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Donna, I did read your story. Like you, I find a lot of purpose in service to others. It's part of what motivates me as a bus driver. I had to remind myself of that sometimes when I was new and customers were giving me a lot of grief for being a bad driver.

I feel like I need to get out of this house ASAP but I don't even have a new place lined up yet. I don't feel emotionally safe. Yesterday was grueling and she slipped into this behavior pattern where she NEEDED me so the fact that I was hurting DIDN'T MATTER. But I stood up for myself and calmly insisted I was leaving. I called the crisis center line and we talked until I realized I was despairing because I had ended the relationship yet the behaviors that caused me to end the relationship were continuing. And I was hurt because I felt like nobody in the whole world stands up for ME. I know I can stand up for myself now. But it hurts that even my mother and father won't do it. (Mom is a narcissist, she won't. Dad I guess is just underdeveloped as a person because I know that deep down he does care.) And here this person who says she still "lights up like a Christmas tree" when she sees me is willing to hurt me that badly. I told her I was coming unglued inside. That's what it felt like. And while I'm happy that it's a new day, I'm still very shaky inside. Last night was very scary.

I called a friend who lives in another city and they offered to let me crash at their place, and I know they absolutely mean it, but the drive is a little too far. I also called my aunt in Chicago, my closest family (emotionally) and she wants me to come visit as soon as I can. That will probably be spring because the weather messed me up last time I visited Chicago in the winter.

I guess I needed to vent. Been crying a lot. And Donna, I don't know how someone would end a 40 year relationship. After 10+ years it's absolutely grueling, 40 would be like cutting a heart out. I hope your wife is able to accept you.

[JoanneB]

I am so sorry seeing how much pain and angst you are in AnxietyDisord3r. Any sort of break is usually difficult. Marriages worse so, especially one that been around more then a year or two. By your accounts this was a long time coming with only one of the partners willing to make any sort of compromises. My prayers are with you

You did make an interesting statement:

...because I had ended the relationship yet the behaviors that caused me to end the relationship were continuing. And I was hurt because I felt like nobody in the whole world stands up for ME. I know I can stand up for myself now.

After a long distance marriage lasting several years as I worked out of state, during which I discovered I needed to take on the Trans-Beast for real, I got a golden job opportunity back an old place I was at before. This meant back living with my wife who stayed behind to bark at strangers walking in front of the house we could not sell. Back to my wife whose relationship with I strained by being an jerk (she shares some blame). Back to a wife who reluctantly was accepting my new Trans status vs being just a (very) part-time CD.

Still to this day 3 1/2 years later my greatest fear is me reverting back to the thing I was. A fear I guess like a prisoner let out after a few years and back in the ole neighborhood hanging out with the old crew. After years of being one way around people you tend to stay that way around them. A sort of Momentum. Very human, perhaps more so for trans people since we spent a good part of our lives living up to "Others Expectations"

It is so easy at an intellectual level to say or think "I need to change. I need to do X, Y and Z. I need to...." It does take a lot of effort just to realize needs like this. It is a MONUMENTAL task to actually try doing them in hopes of succeeding.  A major ingredient for success is:
"Standing Up For ME"

Major kudos to you for finding that ingredient way back there on the shelf. Try not to forget where it was.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Yeah, it's tough. I keep losing my faith and looking to regain it. I have a lot going for me, I'm more than capable. I just have to believe it.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Good stuff keeps happening to me career wise since the breakup, don't know what to make of this. During the day I feel optimistic, even elated. When the sun goes down I get anxious and all my fears come back--I'll be alone, I'll be depressed, I'll fail. Don't know what to make of my fear of the dark either.

I feel like my wife was so high maintenance emotionally that she consumed me and I think I wanted to be consumed at first because I didn't like myself but now I'm thinking I'm not so bad and I want to be me and this relationship didn't work any more.

[JoanneB]

Good stuff keeps happening to me career wise since the breakup, don't know what to make of this. During the day I feel optimistic, even elated. When the sun goes down I get anxious and all my fears come back--I'll be alone, I'll be depressed, I'll fail. Don't know what to make of my fear of the dark either.

I feel like my wife was so high maintenance emotionally that she consumed me and I think I wanted to be consumed at first because I didn't like myself but now I'm thinking I'm not so bad and I want to be me and this relationship didn't work any more.

I was in a tenuous at best relationship with my wife as well as a long (365 mile door to door) distance marriage with my wife.

"When the Sun GOES DOWN".... Oiy. Too much "Quality Time" alone w/ your thoughts. Where is that bottle of Yukon Jack? 

What kept me strong in my convictions was knowing WHAT DOES NOT WORK. I spent decades trying things one way with out success.  After relative, days, trying things another way I found Joy. I eventually experienced the joy of being ME in the real real world I live in....

I was also SCARED S%!T

If you are NOT you... What, or Who, are you are you for her?

More IMPORTANT... What YOU are you for you?  (Yeah.. I should ask...)

I struggle every day resolving these. How to balance Survival vs... Existence. Only you can can make the Hard Calls. There have been times I relished being able to be a "Mr Fixit" for my girlfriends. TBH - WHATEVER problem you think you have, it is Nuttin compared to what you're fixing. Being "Consumed" and solving another's problem is a great diversion from your own. Yours is complicated, theirs, simple to "Fix".

TBH - If my wife did not feel as she does about me and my "Elevated" Cd to Trans status... Without her brutal honesty and love, I doubt I'll be here typing this. Offing myself would far far easier then the all the challenges I need elevate myself above in order to preserve ALL that I define as ME....

The .38, the 40KV & 500 Joules  I can "arrange at work, or that intersection of I68 & I70 I can vaporize my car?  Only one leaves no one cleanly else but ME responsible for the choice to END my life.

It isn't, nor will it likely EVER, work for HER and you.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

TBH - WHATEVER problem you think you have, it is Nuttin compared to what you're fixing. Being "Consumed" and solving another's problem is a great diversion from your own. Yours is complicated, theirs, simple to "Fix".

Very true.

TBH - If my wife did not feel as she does about me and my "Elevated" Cd to Trans status... Without her brutal honesty and love, I doubt I'll be here typing this. Offing myself would far far easier then the all the challenges I need elevate myself above in order to preserve ALL that I define as ME....

The .38, the 40KV & 500 Joules  I can "arrange at work, or that intersection of I68 & I70 I can vaporize my car?  Only one leaves no one cleanly else but ME responsible for the choice to END my life.

It isn't, nor will it likely EVER, work for HER and you.

Well, I'm glad you're still with us!