Introducing...

[DownwardSpiral]

Returned after deleting an account in a fit of depression. Sincerely hoping that this time round people don't get fed up of me.

51yo, live in the UK, married with one daughter and one stepson. Had issues surrounding my gender from an early age, didn't feel like I fitted in with the boys or the girls. For years I didn't know what I was, then by chance I read an article about Jayne County, the transexual punk singer, and related to so much of it, but didn't know then (late 70s/early 80s) how to do anything about it.

My father, ex army, ex WW2, took every opportunity to criticise anything he saw as less than masculine behaviour, berating me as a "poof" for things like wanting to have my hair styled in something other than a short back and sides, or not wanting to go with him to a football match, or liking David Bowie... My mother was cold, never showed me any affection, indeed told me countless times that I was "a mistake".

Always found it difficult to make and keep friends, I thought maybe the virtual world would change that, but the number of times I've joined and subsequently left various internet fora proves it hasn't. Funny, I always felt like an outsider due to my gender issues, but even around people with their own gender issues I still don't feel like I fit in. I genuinely don't know who or what I am any more. I get so frustrated with myself, I've tried counselling which just made me feel even worse about myself, I've tried various telephone helplines who invariably just refer me to counselling, and so the spiral continues.

My first marriage ended due to her seeing other men because I couldn't satisfy her. Left her for my second wife, but over the years our relationship has deteriorated to the extent I feel little more than a cash dispenser cum housemaid. I never go out alone as she doesn't trust me. I can't leave out of a sense of duty to our 11yo daughter. Some days, well, yesterday I drove home from work wondering whether to veer over to the other side of the road and put my foot down... Life just doesn't seem worth it any more.

If you've got this far, thank you for reading.

[Megan.]

Hi, and welcome back.  I'm sorry you find yourself in a bad place, but there are always ways forward. I don't know where you are in the UK, but if you're anywhere near Cambridge, the Diamonds TG support group which I attend, meet weekly. Counselling can work, but finding the right therapist to work with can make all the difference. You don't say if your current partner knows about your feelings? I had to make a hard choice for the sake of my children, in that a happy parent (regardless of their gender) would be better for them than a miserable father, or none at all. Please keep yourself well. X

[DownwardSpiral]

Hi, and welcome back.  I'm sorry you find yourself in a bad place, but there are always ways forward. I don't know where you are in the UK, but if you're anywhere near Cambridge, the Diamonds TG support group which I attend, meet weekly. Counselling can work, but finding the right therapist to work with can make all the difference. You don't say if your current partner knows about your feelings? I had to make a hard choice for the sake of my children, in that a happy parent (regardless of their gender) would be better for them than a miserable father, or none at all. Please keep yourself well. X

My wife knows of my feelings, but refuses to discuss them. She spent a week telling me how much I'd hurt her by my disclosure. Just as, since I was injured in a road accident last March, she spends quite a lot of time telling me how much pain she is in. My feelings, my pain, are secondary to hers.

I'd love to talk to someone... but if I were to say "I'm off out to a trans support group", well...

[Megan.]

Would she object to you talking to a therapist, or even some couples therapy, where you can both express your feelings openly with a neutral third party to mediate?

[Cure Bunny]

Hello

Nice to meet you.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Dena]

Welcome back to Susan's Place. Something I figured out right at the start of my self discovery is that moving backwards wasn't an option. By then I had lived with the feelings for 10 years and I knew they weren't getting any better. Many times I was just holding the ground that I had gained but never once did I close a door I had opened unless there was a better way forward.

You have a number of problems in your life and unfortunately there will not be good solutions to some of them. The best advice I can give you is to return to therapy and look at your options. With your wife you only have two options. Either she makes an attempt to help you or you will have to part way. It's not a pleasant option but it's one of the factors that's holding you back.

I also hope you chose the option to continue to live. I was once in the emotional hole that you were in and I chose life. I am very glad I did and now I want to live forever.

As for the people on the site, many of us have had to make the same decision you are facing now. We understand what you feel and we will stay with you as long as you stay with us.

I know you were on the site before but just for the record, I need to give you another copy of the links.

Things that you should read

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

[V M]

Hi DownwardSpiral 

Welcome back to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here again, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[DawnOday]

I can't leave out of a sense of duty to our 11yo daughter.  If you are looking for a reason to live. There it is.  But. To thine own life be true.

[LiliFee]

welcome to the forums!

[big kim]

Welcome from a Blackpool girl

[DownwardSpiral]

Would she object to you talking to a therapist, or even some couples therapy, where you can both express your feelings openly with a neutral third party to mediate?

I suggested that.

"*I* don't have a problem".

End of conversation.

I've spent my entire life feeling worthless. I've tried so hard, spent so much money on "self help" books to try and feel better about myself, but somehow it never seems to work. I end up pushing people away, which makes me feel even worse, feeds the self loathing, and the downward spiral continues. Maybe I deserve it.

[DownwardSpiral]

Welcome back to Susan's Place. Something I figured out right at the start of my self discovery is that moving backwards wasn't an option. By then I had lived with the feelings for 10 years and I knew they weren't getting any better. Many times I was just holding the ground that I had gained but never once did I close a door I had opened unless there was a better way forward.

You have a number of problems in your life and unfortunately there will not be good solutions to some of them. The best advice I can give you is to return to therapy and look at your options. With your wife you only have two options. Either she makes an attempt to help you or you will have to part way. It's not a pleasant option but it's one of the factors that's holding you back.

I also hope you chose the option to continue to live. I was once in the emotional hole that you were in and I chose life. I am very glad I did and now I want to live forever.

As for the people on the site, many of us have had to make the same decision you are facing now. We understand what you feel and we will stay with you as long as you stay with us.

I seemed to manage to chase people away before. It always happens. Thing is, my depression is like a black hole, it sucks in all the light, everything, consumes everything, consumes me. The way out disappears. The light at the end of the tunnel becomes a train going the other way.

8 months of therapy just made me feel worse, made me doubt myself. The therapist was convinced I wasn't trans, I just wanted to be my sister. She got all the affection from my parents, she could do no wrong, the sun shone out of her behind. I was the mistake. The therapist focussed on this and gradually everything I'd ever thought disappeared, the self doubt, instead of disappearing, grew. The few people who I'd been close to, disappeared. Cut me off. Stopped communicating.

Excuse my ramblings. Maybe I shouldn't have come back, I don't know.  All I ever wanted was a few proper friends, but the older I get, the less likely that becomes.

[Dena]

My first question is are you seeing a gender therapist? If you aren't, it may be time to consider another therapist. It sound like you are experiencing ->-bleeped-<- the same way I did. I had social dysphoria so I was not so much overly uncomfortable with my body and I was instead uncomfortable with my role in life. This resulted in almost constant depression and while I knew it was because I wanted to be a woman, I couldn't pin the depression on any one thing in life.

The fact that you are feeling worst in therapy and not really making progress makes me suspect that the therapist may not be addressing the problem you are dealing with. If you are transgender, sure you might want to be your sister but because she is a girl and you were not. Test yourself. Ask yourself if you were on an island and would have to live there for the remainder of your life without any human contact, would you want to live it as a man or a woman. You would have no advantage picking either. If you would still prefer a woman, that is an indication that you are transgender.

I think I gave you "the transition channel" before but if you haven't looked at it, you should. This is what your therapy sessions should be like and the answers to the questions you give should determine if you are transgender.

What ever you do, don't give up exploring yourself and don't leave the site until you have an answer you are comfortable with. Nobody should live in the pain you are living with.

[DownwardSpiral]

My first question is are you seeing a gender therapist? If you aren't, it may be time to consider another therapist. It sound like you are experiencing ->-bleeped-<- the same way I did. I had social dysphoria so I was not so much overly uncomfortable with my body and I was instead uncomfortable with my role in life. This resulted in almost constant depression and while I knew it was because I wanted to be a woman, I couldn't pin the depression on any one thing in life.

I'm not currently seeing anyone. I'd had to cancel a couple of appointments with my previous therapist due to work commitments, and on the day of my last booked appointment I was involved in a fairly serious road accident, the effects of which I'm still suffering from 9 months down the line. I textedthe therapist, and the reply that came back was along the lines of "you need to ask yourself if you truly want to get better"... basically I felt she was accusing me of making excuses to get out of the appointment, having a couple of weeks previously already stated that I must secretly enjoy being unhappy. That was the final straw, I replied attaching a picture of the remains of my vehicle, and stated that under the circumstances I felt my physical recovery should take priority, and I'd be in touch if I wanted any more appointments.

The fact that you are feeling worst in therapy and not really making progress makes me suspect that the therapist may not be addressing the problem you are dealing with. If you are transgender, sure you might want to be your sister but because she is a girl and you were not. Test yourself. Ask yourself if you were on an island and would have to live there for the remainder of your life without any human contact, would you want to live it as a man or a woman. You would have no advantage picking either. If you would still prefer a woman, that is an indication that you are transgender.

18 months ago, I'd have unhesitatingly replied "woman". Now, I genuinely don't know any more.

I think I gave you "the transition channel" before but if you haven't looked at it, you should. This is what your therapy sessions should be like and the answers to the questions you give should determine if you are transgender.

What ever you do, don't give up exploring yourself and don't leave the site until you have an answer you are comfortable with. Nobody should live in the pain you are living with.

I haven't had chance to look yet, I don't get a deal of privacy at work or home and have to spy my chances. I'll save the link though and have a look when I'm alone. I strongly suspect that this will be nothing like my previous therapy sessions...

I left before because, well, it was happening again... same old, same old - people were getting fed up of me. But I don't know how to stop it.

[Megan.]

The Pink Therapy website has a listing of LGBT friendly therapists, I suggest looking there for a different one, and ask if they have previous experience with Trans* people. I've been seeing a great therapist for over 2 years now, it has taken me a looong time to resolve many of my own feelings, they've never pushed me, just given me time and space to settle my own mind on what I wanted and needed. It sounds like you you need a safe non-judgemental space to figure out your feelings with someone to reflect them back for you.
No one in this world is any better or worse than the other, that includes you. If your partner is not able to work with you to preserve your relationship, then you know the value they place on it.
I tried hard to keep my relationship intact, I failed, but I still believe these are things worth fighting for if any chance still exists for a future. X

[Sno]

Welcome back sweetie.

I've always maintained that bad therapists are more harm than help, and it sounds like you found a bad one. There are good resources around, and the groups will allow you to meet face to face with folk who have been in a similar situation to yourself.

It feels like you have reached the point where you need to do something - getting out will get you shared experiences, which will give you something to talk about, and the circle begins

We are here too, and will always listen.

Rowan

[DawnOday]

I suggested that.

"*I* don't have a problem".

End of conversation.

I've spent my entire life feeling worthless. I've tried so hard, spent so much money on "self help" books to try and feel better about myself, but somehow it never seems to work. I end up pushing people away, which makes me feel even worse, feeds the self loathing, and the downward spiral continues. Maybe I deserve it.

You don't deserve it. Nobody does. Been there, done that. Sixty years later, you end up not caring about much of anything.  That's where I was eight months ago. Today I stand firmly on the ground, knowing I have done my best to address the problem and I can't ever recall being happier than I am right now, except the birth of my two babies. Even my wife sees an improvement and she is grateful.

[DownwardSpiral]

Welcome back sweetie.

I've always maintained that bad therapists are more harm than help, and it sounds like you found a bad one. There are good resources around, and the groups will allow you to meet face to face with folk who have been in a similar situation to yourself.

It feels like you have reached the point where you need to do something - getting out will get you shared experiences, which will give you something to talk about, and the circle begins

We are here too, and will always listen.

Rowan

If I could get out without it causing arguments, I would... it upsets me that my wife thinks so little of me that she makes it impossible for me to go out alone... then again, people have always believed the worst of me, even my own parents were willing to believe that I was capable of all sorts of things. "If you really want to do it, you'll find a way" - if I had a pound/dollar/euro for every time I'd been told that... just feel so weak and inadequate.

[DownwardSpiral]

The Pink Therapy website has a listing of LGBT friendly therapists, I suggest looking there for a different one, and ask if they have previous experience with Trans* people. I've been seeing a great therapist for over 2 years now, it has taken me a looong time to resolve many of my own feelings, they've never pushed me, just given me time and space to settle my own mind on what I wanted and needed. It sounds like you you need a safe non-judgemental space to figure out your feelings with someone to reflect them back for you.
No one in this world is any better or worse than the other, that includes you. If your partner is not able to work with you to preserve your relationship, then you know the value they place on it.
I tried hard to keep my relationship intact, I failed, but I still believe these are things worth fighting for if any chance still exists for a future. X

I felt that the therapist I was seeing wasn't really listening to me... it always ended up being the same stuff over and over again... it wasn't helped by my wife virtually demanding to know the contents of every session, "childhood stuff" wasn't enough for her, that's when the accusations of being furtive and secretive began, "you won't talk to me", "I don't know you"... I tried to talk to her but somehow her problems were/are always far worse than mine.

[Raell]

I don't get it..why are you staying with your wife? Calmly tell her what you are going to do, then do it. If she screams at you, ignore her. If she threatens to leave you, say that you love her and will miss her, but of course she is free to go. If you are calm, keep repeating what you want to say, over and over, and then just do it anyway, then what can she do?

Divorce you? Good riddance.

Remember, if you are going to be a woman, they take charge of their lives. Typically, the wives order their husbands around and don't "let" them do things. To me, that's silly. People have a free will.

Just do what you want, and ignore her. Or get your stuff and move out. Even better.