(LONG) !!! FTM RELATIONSHIP RANTING

[Xylon23]

I'm a ftm transgender but I identify as male I've been on hormones for 10 months and I'm in a in and out relationship with my childhood sweetheart since the age of 15. We been back together after breaking up recently from my girlfriend finding a cis male and she broke up with me for him, she came back we've worked it out but some issues still persist.

We've been having multiple arguments where she'd feel I wouldn't understand her emotions of wanting to feel the "real feel" of a real penis (which she's been in multiple relationships with cis men but back and forth with me also) but I really feel that she's being selfish due to the fact that she's part of the reason I changed my gender. She said she don't know what she wants to do but she doesn't want to leave, she packed all her things and went to her gma house but been here with me for about 2 weeks. I don't know if I can trust that she's here to stay of if she's here to play games but she always says I have my theory's but am I crazy in my mind or is she really playing mind games with me.

I feel uncontrollable sometimes but I swear I love her with all my heart. I want to give her everything she wants and needs but I feel like I'm not enough for her at times the way she has manipulated me in the past, we was talking about starting a family next year but I feel like we won't even make it due to all issues I see or am I crazy or being manipulated? Idk I think so much at times I drive myself crazy but I feel like I have to think about everything because of her keep leaving me.

We have couple issues but the biggest one is sex. I feel like I'm not enough for her again... she said she wants everything she can do to a male, the same with me and I understand that but I don't know if it's acceptable in my mind. She said she wants to feel me and wish I had a born penis, I told her love is about waiting and if she loves me she would wait for me to get my bottom surgery but even when I do get my bottom surgery would it be enough for her? And that's the scary part.

She feels that this relationship is bad at times and she has her moments where she wants out but she comes right back. I think it's about her going to get the real d$ck but she tells me it's nothing like that, and that she gets away to breathe and replenish herself. I don't know how to believe her and I want to because I love her and I want to be with her. We have a lot of issues but it's like we keep trying and it stresses her out, am I being controlled or am I controlling her from not leaving me? I don't want to have kids and she ends up leaving me, I don't want her to leave me now either. We are 23 and living together so it's a big step, we lived together when we was 17/18 for 2 years but it's more stressful as we are adults with bills, my transition, family issues and of course relationship issues.

Idk this is me ranting any good feedback is appreciated

[FTMax]

I read all the way through. Lot of red flags for me there. The biggest is probably where you say she's part of the reason you changed your gender. I don't know what you meant by that (maybe it's just a miswording), but that's probably the worst reason to transition. It really should be something that you want and need to feel yourself, not in order to meet a standard that someone else has set.

She obviously has some reason for continuing to come back to you. Either it's that she loves you or that she can't get a better lot in life elsewhere. Maybe a little of both. But only she knows what her motivations are.

As for you - aside from loving her, what are you getting out of this relationship? It sounds like her back and forth behavior stresses you out, and that doesn't seem to have changed in the last few years. When she dated someone else, did you also try to date? Are you feeling trapped perhaps because you think it will be difficult to find someone new, so you're allowing her bad behavior as long as it means she stays?

Just some things for you to think about. Personally, I refuse to date the same person twice. I don't believe that people change. Sure, I still have fond feelings for many of my exes, but those relationships ended for a reason. I would encourage you not to take any steps toward marriage or starting a family without doing couples counseling.