So confused

[Sleandre]

Hey, im a 23 yo male from Canada.

Im really confused with myself these days. I started crossdressing when I was 12yo. It started with a tights fetish and I started exploring more and more. I remember when I was a teen I was always daydreaming about becoming a girl. It was really intense but I never tought of being a transsexual because it was only a sexual desire.

At 18 yo, I took ecstasy alone for the for the first time. It changed my life. When I was high, I felt like I could really embrace my feminity without the guilt. I felt like I finally understand who I really was, a woman. The problems with drugs is that they don't last forever. So each time I crashed, I felt terrible. I abused the drugs and I would do it on and off 2-3 times a month.

When I had enough of this, I threw all my crossdressing apparel in the garbage and decided I would leave that part of me behind. My motivation lasted for a month. Then, my desire came back and became so intense that I started to question my gender. So I read many article on the internet about transgender and crossdresser. I wanted to understand who I was. At one point, I decided I wasn't transgender and I just had to accept my fetish. So I started crossdressing and using drugs again. I did this cycle (crossdressing - stopping- thinking im trans - crossdressing again) for nearly 3 years.

It's been more than a year that I stopped all that. Now I'm more happy than ever. I don't use drugs (dosn't even want to) and I got a girlfriend (we're not together anymore). The thing is, this desires about bcoming a woman never left. I used to watch transgender porn and masturbate so I would stopped thinking about it and keep going with my life. It started to affected my sex life so I decided to stop masturbating and stop watching porn. It's been a month now and my urges are bigger than ever.

I just don't understand. I feel happy as a man and I feel great about the decisions to stop drugs and porn, but now I have those urges again. Even when I was with my girlfriend I was often thinking about it. I don't want to relapse again and go back to those bad habits.

Is there anyone that had a similar experience?

Thank you!!

[LizK]

Hi  Sleandre

Welcome to Susan's. I hope you enjoy your time here.

Throwing stuff out is quite often referred to as "purging" it is also quite common, especially when someone is going through a period of self hatred and guilt. Unfortunately for most they find they have just wasted a heap of money because the desire to dress has returned a few weeks later. During this period of physical "inactivity" is it because you can't or is it as it was in my case, a concerted effort to deny my very nature.


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[Sleandre]

Thank you for your answer! That's a really good question. I'll think about it!

[Wednesday]

First and foremost, I'm no health professional so I just can give you my point of view.

At 18 yo, I took ecstasy alone for the for the first time. It changed my life. When I was high, I felt like I could really embrace my feminity without the guilt. I felt like I finally understand who I really was, a woman.

This is very interesting. For one side, MDMA (ecstasy) is a pretty powerful drug with remarkable empathogen effects. It realeases a bunch of dopamine (euphoria, motivation, talkativeness), norepinephrine (energy, alertness, clarity) and serotonin (well being, peacefullnes, empathy). Its like being "high" in all possible ways at the same time, something similar to "pure joy" (thats why they name it ecstasy).

So while under its effects things may look clearer and you may feel at peace with yourself (egosyntonically) its just temporary. As stated by some professionals it may be useful as a tool to give you insight on things that sit really deep down, but is just temporary so therapy and further work may be done if you're looking to really work out things on a long term. Not to say it's just such an "extreme" conciousness state that can't last for long without doing harm.

embrace my feminity without the guilt

This is a pretty important thing. There's a significant issue here: you feel guilty because you just happen to enjoy a sexual fantasy or certain activities not necessarily related to sex like crossdressing.

This looks pretty much like the process that takes place in OC (obssessive-compulsive) behaviours. You got an urge/thought/feeling that causes you distress, then you go for a ritual that alleviates it, but as soon as you finish, distress appears again. In away similar to what happens with drug abuse, too.

I don't want to relapse again and go back to those bad habits.

I think it will be pretty good to first work on your guilt feelings. Self-acceptance is key for well being. Most people got kinks, fantasies, whatever you name it. They are just things you enjoy, it comes with your nature (just as liking food) and you shouldn't feel bad about them.

That doesn't mean you're transgender or you'd need to transition. Transitioning is much more than just trying to relieve guilt.

I think first step should be going to therapy to learn to accept your feelings, your desires, your likings, without being guilty, without thinking in terms of "who you are". Then, things may turn way more clear for you. And you'll be happier and healthier tho.

[Andrea Pelloti]

I know this is an old post but while talking about the effects of ecstacy on the mind it would be useful to know if the OP has ASD of any kind like Aspergers etc.

Someone who is "neuro-typical" will get high on ecstacy, an elevated level above what is perceived to be normal amongst most people.

Someone with Aspergers (from my personal experience) won't get to that point.  What they would experience (at least in their mind) is reaching what a neuro-typical feels without ecstacy.  Confidence to talk to strangers.  Tolerance of music, subjects or surroundings that do not interest them.  A patience for others and things that would normally drive them crazy.

A lot of people with ASD veer into alcohol or drug abuse either to "turn their brain off" and stop the constant self questioning/doubts or as I experienced with ecstacy (often together and very dangerous) because it meant I could be around normal people, doing normal things without being bored out of my mind or plain annoyed because other people don't do everything my way.  The actual high wasn't there.  Just a strange comfort of tolerance for others that wasn't there when not on ecstacy.

Alcohol had some effect of giving me more confidence/less inhibited/less self aware.

I did for a while smoke a lot of cannabis bud (skunk) like a ritual.  Not to get to a stage where you see others laughing joking etc.  Not a social thing with friends but a solitary thing to switch off my brain.  To knock me out if you like because my brain does not stop thinking or questioning for a second and I needed a break.  It is very hard for me to get to sleep if I am thinking about anything.

My point on the ecstacy is that if the OP is like me then maybe they were just reaching a level that they would preceive neuro-typicals experience rather than a high as a neuro-typical would experience.  I never felt that "euphoria/love everybody/hug strangers" that is described.  I just reached a level of tolerance of normal simple life that most people have naturally and take for granted.  I could now listen to (or put up with) people barbling on about mundane small talk or subjects I am not interested in.

I guess you could say it is still a high because that was not my normal state of mind but I would suggest that the ecstacy in particular maybe bridged that Dopamine gap due to my autism and thus "made me normal."

Other drugs never did this.  This was back in the early nineties though when Ecstacy was everywhere and not the cocktail of fertilisers and dodgy stuff it "reportedly" is now.  I haven't had any MDMA since about 2004.