How do I erase this side of me?

[kallaran]

I am suffocating and its been a huge burden to carry. I wish to indulge in the side of me that wants to be feminine but its depressing to think about and having it linger my mind is like a curse. 

Half of my depression since childhood has to do with this and if it could be gone maybe my pain will decrease and I will feel like functioning properly in the world. 

Having apart of you that would make life more difficult isn't fun at all.

That is why I need to get rid of it with all my power to.

I just don't know how I will pull it off...

[Dena]

Unfortunately the only thing I know of that might reduce what you feel is a testosterone blocker. Other than that, your therapist might be able to suggest meditation or some other technique to help you live with your feelings however it will only provide coping and not freedom from your feelings. As difficult as it is, most of us decide we are better to deal directly with the complication that live with the dysphoria.

[kallaran]

Unfortunately the only thing I know of that might reduce what you feel is a testosterone blocker. Other than that, your therapist might be able to suggest meditation or some other technique to help you live with your feelings however it will only provide coping and not freedom from your feelings. As difficult as it is, most of us decide we are better to deal directly with the complication that live with the dysphoria.

I can't talk to a therapist about something like this.

[LizK]

Hi Kallaran

You sound like you are in a really tough place at the moment...We would like to help if we can

One thing I know is that I was not able to just erase it, nor stop being Trans by sheer willpower. Given the choice to be trans or not, many would opt not to be trans.

Unfortunately we don't get to have a choice in this, if we are trans then we are trans.

The other part of the question is, what do you want to do about it?

Have you ever spoken to anyone about this apart from here online? Is there anyone you can talk to face to face.

Liz

[kallaran]

Hi Kallaran

You sound like you are in a really tough place at the moment...We would like to help if we can

One thing I know is that I was not able to just erase it, nor stop being Trans by sheer willpower. Given the choice to be trans or not, many would opt not to be trans.

Unfortunately we don't get to have a choice in this, if we are trans then we are trans.

The other part of the question is, what do you want to do about it?

Have you ever spoken to anyone about this apart from here online? Is there anyone you can talk to face to face.

Liz

I don't know what I really want to do about it or what I can do about. I want to accept it but its only causing me a lot of pain right now.

Nah I haven't spoken about it anywhere elsewhere. The only people that I could talk to face to face wouldn't accept it.

[LizK]

If you want to talk about the kind of stuff that is getting to you I am sure others may well have felt similar to you and possibly been in similar situations. If there is something that is uppermost in your mind but you fear being singled out or ridiculed for bringing it up then rest assured we are a support group and will do what we can to help.

Liz

[Dena]

You said you are seeing a therapist and there isn't much of a point in talking to a therapist unless you tell them what is real troubling you. Your therapist will not judge you and it's the one person who you can talk to who might be able to help you. Start making a plan now to tell your therapist about this at your next appointment. If you think you won't be able to say the words, write it out on paper and give the paper to your therapist. The only way to get help is for you to make the first move.

[kallaran]

You said you are seeing a therapist and there isn't much of a point in talking to a therapist unless you tell them what is real troubling you. Your therapist will not judge you and it's the one person who you can talk to who might be able to help you. Start making a plan now to tell your therapist about this at your next appointment. If you think you won't be able to say the words, write it out on paper and give the paper to your therapist. The only way to get help is for you to make the first move.

I can't talk to them about it or they will out me to my family.

My therapist has conservative views on the world and my parent shares them. They have zero problem talking to them despite my best wishes.

Well in my situation, even though I am an adult I pretty much signed form allowing them to be present. It was an awful mistake but I don't think family would have taken me to place if they weren't in the loop with everything that was going on. They like this doctor , even though I would tell them nothing. Right now fighting them is useless and I am stuck with them. 

[kallaran]

If you want to talk about the kind of stuff that is getting to you I am sure others may well have felt similar to you and possibly been in similar situations. If there is something that is uppermost in your mind but you fear being singled out or ridiculed for bringing it up then rest assured we are a support group and will do what we can to help.

Liz

Okay ;(

[Dena]

Ok, I see the problem. Tell the therapist you understand part of your problem but you can't talk about it because you don't want the information getting back to your family. Make the therapist figure out the solution and don't talk until you are comfortable with the solution that the therapist provides.

[kallaran]

Ok, I see the problem. Tell the therapist you understand part of your problem but you can't talk about it because you don't want the information getting back to your family. Make the therapist figure out the solution and don't talk until you are comfortable with the solution that the therapist provides.

They would say that I am being uncooperative.

[Dena]

You are an adult and you are entitled to some privacy. Also consider that it's likely that sooner or latter they will know but you don't want them to know until you are ready. It should be part of the deal with your therapist that your family won't know until you say so.