I know I'm FTM trans but confused about whether I should transition, I'm worried

[PixelatedMess]

I tried asking this on Yahoo Answers and got greeted by like 5 homophobes who said I was mentally ill and disgusting so... I'll try it here.

I'm 17 years old and FTM trans.
There are several things that worry me about transitioning
- The pain of the surgeries
- I'm not rich, I'd have to work LONG HOURS to pay for the surgeries, enough hours to make 100,000 dollars working odd jobs like at grocery stores, etc... In 6 years perhaps 
- I'm only 5.2 ft tall which is SHORT for a guy
- Parts of my family are transphobic (I Think) and I'm sure coming out to them will be horrendous.

But the thing that worries me the MOST is
- I want to be a YouTuber. And so far I haven't showed my face, everyone thinks I'm a normal guy, not transgender. But since dating is harder as a trans person, I would need to use an online LGBT website to find pansexual people and all that trouble...
I'm worried that IF I do become famous on YouTube, somebody will find my transgender dating profile and release to the world that I am trans... Then the world will treat me like crap because of all the homophobes and just people KNOWING my secret in general... I don't want to be a trans person in people's eyes, I wanna be a normal guy. Is it so hard to ask?

I've been worrying about that all the time. All those things. And I guess I have been trying to convince myself that being a girl is fine enough. I could just live as a tomboy and it would be much easier, but on YouTube and IRL girls can't be gamers, make dirty jokes, etc, without being seen as fake, a slut, or just stupid
Social life would be much better as a guy but I don't know what to do.

If I stayed as a girl, it would be...
- Much easier to date people and find someone to date
- I wouldn't have to hide the truth about myself on YouTube or IRL
- I wouldn't have to work sooo hard for all the steps of actually transitioning 
- I would be able to be a "unique" female... because all the other girls on YouTube are pretty boring and the same. They're all girly, straight, and are either fake gamers or makeup channels. If I was a girl on there, I WOULD be just like a guy, I could break gender roles and be one of the first well known lesbians on there, I wouldn't have to hide that either. I could be something NEW. But if I was a guy I would just be ANOTHER ONE.
- I could COSPLAY both genders and get away with it. As a guy, I couldn't cosplay females because I'd just look weird.

Based on the above, what would YOU suggest I do? ANY advice would be GREAT! And I actually do have to decide soon, I can't wait too long because if I decide on being FTM I need to get a job right NOW to make money for the transition, but I'm lazy. So if I choose being a girl I don't HAVE to get a job. And if I choose girl I could actually make videos showing my face.

[Elis]

From my experience staying as female is no gurantee I'll be happy. I have nothing left to lose by transitioning bcos I was a shadow of a person pre transition and couldn't cope at all. Plus hard as it is to hear families tend never to be happy with an invidual's life choices so you may as well live your own life in regards to transitioning as well as makimg your choices in regards to everything else.

Something else to consider; they're can never to be too many trans role models on youtube.  Plus people on youtube will most likely send horrible comments to you if they find out you're trans or not; unfortunately you have to prepared for that when joining social media.

Btw, a lot of cis guys are below average height or have unusual proportions and still able to fit in and lead happy lives. Plus a lot of cis men cosplay as females and I don't think they look weird. Many of them are very good at it with some practice.

To wrap up you're a guy with a genuine health issue. You wouldn't decide against treatment for any other health problem so why would you for GD? It could be a few years down the line but most likely you'll hit a wall in which the GD becomes insufferable and you'll need to transition; whether socially or medically. Not all trans people want or need to do both.

[FTMax]

Sounds like you should talk to a therapist. Sure, there are benefits to not transitioning, but could you live that way? Would you feel like you're lying about yourself? Do you experience dysphoria that would potentially worsen by remaining in the closet?

[Dena]

This is a questions that neither we nor a therapist can answer. The only person who can answer it is you and you are the person who will have to live with the consequences of an incorrect answer. I paid a heavy price by transitioning because it hurt me professional and it impacted my social life. I don't regret the decision to transition because I wouldn't have lived much longer without pursuing a transition.

If a transition is the thing you value most, the answer is clear. If the transition isn't the most important thing in your life, you should consider it very carefully because transitioning could cost you some of the things you value more.

[FTMDiaries]

Hi, and welcome!

I'm 45 years old and FtM trans - and I've been transitioning since 2012.

So... on to your questions:

- The pain of the surgeries

What surgeries? What pain? You don't need to have any surgery at all, and we do have painkillers these days.

Transitioning is a very personal journey, and we each do as much or as little as we need to do to feel comfortable. You don't have to have every possible operation, and you don't do it all at once. It'll take you years to go through the various stages of transition, and in that time you can either save up or get a loan to cover the vital stuff, and wait a few more years for the less important stuff. Did you know that most trans men never have bottom surgery?

- I'm not rich, I'd have to work LONG HOURS to pay for the surgeries

Who is rich around here? Most of us aren't - in fact, many of us live on or below the breadline. So we do what we can and we save up for the rest. If it's important to you, you'll earn the cash you need. Transitioning is a marathon - not a sprint.

- I'm only 5.2 ft tall which is SHORT for a guy

So am I, and it didn't stop me. I'd love to be taller, but I'm simply not going to be so I might as well accept it. And if you look around you, you'll see there are guys around your height. That's not stopping them from being men, so why should it stop you? Anyway... you're the same height as Prince. It didn't stop him from being a man and a total legend who influenced generations of musicians, did it?

- Parts of my family are transphobic (I Think) and I'm sure coming out to them will be horrendous.

Mine are too. But you know what? I don't regret it for a second, and their behaviour reflects very badly on them... not on me! The most important thing is safety. Keep an eye on yourself and try to come out to your most supportive family members first - and ask them to support you with the nastier sides of your family.

- I want to be a YouTuber. 

Great! But for every well-known YouTuber out there, there are tens of thousands of people who never get famous. Who knows, you might be one of the very few lucky ones to make it (and I wish you all the luck in the world) - but statistically speaking it's very unlikely. Look at it this way: there are 185 million YouTubers in the US alone. How many of them have you heard of? Exactly. Bottom line: it's astronomically difficult to be a successful YouTuber.

everyone thinks I'm a normal guy, not transgender.

I know this is all probably very new to you, but 'normal' and 'transgender' are not opposites, so please think carefully about how you express that thought. The overwhelming majority of trans people are very much normal; in fact, boringly so. We even pay taxes and do our own laundry!

But since dating is harder as a trans person, I would need to use an online LGBT website to find pansexual people and all that trouble...

Why would you need to use an LGBT website or look for pansexual people? I need to use LGBT sites because I date other gay men and that's where they can be found. But you mention elsewhere 'being a lesbian' which suggests you're attracted to women: if you transition, you would be a man so your main target audience would be straight women. Why would you use an LGBT website to look for straight women?

I'm worried that IF I do become famous on YouTube, somebody will find my transgender dating profile and release to the world that I am trans... Then the world will treat me like crap because of all the homophobes and just people KNOWING my secret in general... I don't want to be a trans person in people's eyes, I wanna be a normal guy. Is it so hard to ask?

Again, there's nothing abnormal about being trans. But you can choose to be stealth or go public with your trans status. There are plenty of trans people who are stealth on YouTube; there are plenty who start out presenting as their birth gender & later vlog during their transition; there are some who've been vlogging for years and then eventually decide to reveal they were assigned a different gender at birth and had transitioned before YouTubing. It's all been done multiple times, and the choice of how you present yourself online is up to you.

I've been worrying about that all the time. All those things. And I guess I have been trying to convince myself that being a girl is fine enough.

Is it though? I also tried to convince myself that I could live as a woman; I even got married & had kids. But it wasn't fine and dysphoria gets worse with time, until eventually I decided to transition in my 40s. You too could transition at any time - there's no rush! - but the longer you wait the more difficult it gets and the worse your results will be.

I could just live as a tomboy and it would be much easier,

Would it? Tomboys are women; tomboys identify as female even though they don't necessarily stick to societal norms of femininity. That's the problem with pretending to be a tomboy: if you're really trans, it wouldn't be enough. If you're not trans, it'd probably be fine to be a tomboy.

but on YouTube and IRL girls can't be gamers, make dirty jokes, etc, without being seen as fake, a slut, or just stupid

Who on Earth says these things? And why should anyone care about their opinions? I've done all those things (gaming since 1977!) and not only did I always tell filthy jokes... my mother did too! Nobody ever accused me of being fake, a slut or stupid... and got away with their private parts intact. Don't let other people's opinions tell you who you can be or what you are allowed to do. You do you, and everyone else can go whistle.

Social life would be much better as a guy but I don't know what to do.

I can tell you know that there's a massive learning curve in trying to figure out how to be a man when you were socialised as female (or vice versa). I find it much better as a guy but that's because I've always identified as male & have felt innately uncomfortable with being perceived as female, but it's taken me years to get where I am and I still have a way to go. The truth of the matter is this: social life is much easier if you're presenting as your actual gender. So you need to be sure of your gender first, and that's where a gender therapist can help you.

If I stayed as a girl, it would be...
- Much easier to date people and find someone to date

Perhaps, but would they be the right people for you? If you stay female, then the people who are attracted to you would be attracted to you because you're female. How would that sit with you?

Or would you rather attract a straight woman who'll treat you like a man & love you for your masculinity? Or a gay man who'd do the same?

- I wouldn't have to hide the truth about myself on YouTube or IRL

Transitioning takes years, so if you get started now you could be indistinguishable from most other guys within a year or so of starting T. Then you start up a YouTube under an assumed name (never your actual name!) & you're good to go. As for IRL, most trans guys - particularly ones who start T at a young age - pass 100% in the streets. Trust me, I started T at age 41 and am the same height as you - and nobody ever suspects I'm trans unless I tell them. 
 

- I wouldn't have to work sooo hard for all the steps of actually transitioning 

Transitioning is hard work, so if the thought of not having to do that is something that makes you smile, perhaps you're not ready for it yet?

- I would be able to be a "unique" female... because all the other girls on YouTube are pretty boring and the same. They're all girly, straight, and are either fake gamers or makeup channels. If I was a girl on there, I WOULD be just like a guy, I could break gender roles and be one of the first well known lesbians on there, I wouldn't have to hide that either. I could be something NEW. But if I was a guy I would just be ANOTHER ONE.

No, I'm afraid that wouldn't be anything new or unique. There are plenty of YouTubers already doing what you propose to do, and if you haven't heard of them have you wondered why that might be... and how you might be able to become famous when they've failed to do so? And oh look - a quick google search of lesbians on YouTube brings up 143 million results... I bet most of those hoped to be famous too.

- I could COSPLAY both genders and get away with it. As a guy, I couldn't cosplay females because I'd just look weird.

How do you know? There are loads of guys who cosplay as females and do amazing jobs at it.

I can't wait too long because if I decide on being FTM I need to get a job right NOW to make money for the transition, but I'm lazy. So if I choose being a girl I don't HAVE to get a job. And if I choose girl I could actually make videos showing my face.

You can't decide to be FtM or choose to be a girl. None of us can. You either are FtM, or you are a girl. That's the fundamental question you need to answer before you do anything else - and you need to speak to a qualified gender therapist to find the right answer. The only choice you can make is to choose what you do about that answer.

And what's the rush? Don't let your desire to be a YouTuber be a driving force in such a serious, life-changing decision. You'll probably lose interest in YouTube in a couple of years' time... but you're stuck with your body for the rest of your life. Don't rush into any decisions until you're sure.

[Arch]

As others have said here, nobody but you can make the decision; we can't tell you what is right for you. I know that I'm imposing a heavy burden on someone not out of his teens yet, but it's true.

I'll address just a few of your points from my perspective.

You mentioned painful surgeries. Not everyone has surgery, and not everyone who has surgery has "everything" done. But I can say that I've had the two most common FTM surgeries--top surgery (plus a revision under a local) and hysto--and the pain, what there was of it, was completely manageable. Besides, you get some killer pain meds! But honestly, I had much worse pain when I experienced a hand injury on the job and when I had some back pain several years earlier. If I were given the choice between hysto or top surgery pain and my hand or back pain, I would choose the pain from FTM surgery. It just wasn't that bad. And I tend to have a rather low pain threshold, too.

Many people nowadays get trans surgeries covered by health insurance through their job or college/university. If you are college-bound, you might even restrict your search to schools that cover trans health. If you aren't so fortunate, then saving money from a job is a time-honored way of getting anything desirable, from a new phone to a new house. It sucks that trans people have additional expenses, but there it is.

You also say that it would be "easier" to live as a tomboy. That might be true for your entire life or for a few months; people have different levels of dysphoria and different tolerance levels for living life undercover, as it were. But don't assume that if it's easy now, it will be easy for good. Take me, for example. I went through various stages of identification for about twenty adult years, the last six or seven spent back in the closet because I couldn't take it anymore. I had thought about suicide on a regular basis for my entire adult life, and for a good portion of that time, I didn't even know why. Once I realized what I was, I was afraid of losing my partner, and I worried about logistics--money, jobs, documentation, social stuff, you name it.

From this history, I am not telling you that you must transition; I instead want you to be completely honest with yourself at all times. I allowed my fear to control me. I wasn't able to be up-front with myself. I fooled myself into putting up and putting up and putting up until I realized that I had lived through years (two decades) of dysphoria. If you keep close tabs on yourself and find at a certain point that you are no longer happy, you can act on that knowledge. If your fear forces you to keep this knowledge hidden, you can be miserable for a lot longer.

Another thing I want you to think about it the current zeitgeist. I believe that one reason I was able to bury myself in denial was the social climate of the time. The United States was much less aware and much more transphobic, services were not covered by insurance, and trans people were not in the public eye in any positive way. Now we are all over the place, on TV, in the movies, in the news. I believe that in such a climate, I would never have been able to keep up my self-deception. Some people can and do. Not me. How about you?

If you can thrive under such conditions, then I salute you. But don't delude yourself, and don't underestimate the power of the culture that you live in.

P.S. Your first post seemed much more sure about surgeries--have you changed your mind, or am I simply misunderstanding you?