Was my ex wife a fetishist?

[AnxietyDisord3r]

I've just been wondering about this question since the break up. I was deeply uncomfortable with some things she said and did while we were together. But here goes:

-she's only ever dated queer people (gay, genderqueer, trans)
-one time I wore a suit to dress up and she humped my leg. I was horrified; suits made me feel more comfortable when I was pre-everything and she was turning it into a sexual thing
-despite knowing I was trans the whole time we were together she called me her "wife" for years

I think the answer to my own question is no, she just had a fetish for fancy dress clothes but ran up against my dysphoria. She also didn't understand dysphoria despite her dating history and had no idea how negatively her words and actions affected me.

[sarah1972]

Sorry for your breakup. Not sure to call it a Fetish. Maybe something she was drawn to without fully understanding what is going on. I am surprised however how little she understood about your dysphoria. Wearing a suit was a very important step for you and her in some sense making fun of it must have made you feel horrible. So sorry to hear that. Maybe she was attempting some kind of encouragement? Her odd way of telling you how attractive you look in a dress suit, in line with what you suspect at the end? 
I am not trying to excuse her behavior - especially with her history she should have known better. 

Being a SO to a trans* is not an easy life. There is so much going on in our lives which is hard to explain and in a lot of cases they do not mean to be rude or deliberately try to upset us, they just don't know what our trigger points are.

[Denise]

I agree with Sahara that she didn't know what your triggers were/are.  However I can tell you my CIS/Straight-as-an-arrow wife gets turned on seeing [tall] guys in suits.  She thinks they "look gooooooddd" and let's me know.  Unfortunately (fortunately?) I never really looked good in a suit; I'm too short.

[SadieBlake]

I've just been wondering about this question since the break up. I was deeply uncomfortable with some things she said and did while we were together. But here goes:

-she's only ever dated queer people (gay, genderqueer, trans)
-one time I wore a suit to dress up and she humped my leg. I was horrified; suits made me feel more comfortable when I was pre-everything and she was turning it into a sexual thing
-despite knowing I was trans the whole time we were together she called me her "wife" for years

I think the answer to my own question is no, she just had a fetish for fancy dress clothes but ran up against my dysphoria. She also didn't understand dysphoria despite her dating history and had no idea how negatively her words and actions affected me.

sexual attraction can blind people to others' affects. That's one of the problems with having a powerful erotic fetish, if it blinds you to the actual response of the person you're objectifying it makes any real connection difficult.

Now to be clear, I don't mind being objectified unless it's in a dimension where I'm dysphoric and there's no acknowledgement of that disconnect. I get this regularly with my SO, she likes my shoulders and when she caresses them in reminds me that I'm not as feminine as I'd like to be. Transition has helped in this but it's a work in progress.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Being a SO to a trans* is not an easy life. There is so much going on in our lives which is hard to explain and in a lot of cases they do not mean to be rude or deliberately try to upset us, they just don't know what our trigger points are.

This is very true.

But I think a problem with this relationship, and it would have been a problem even if I weren't trans, is that she ALWAYS privileged how something made her feel over how it made me feel, even if she was hurting me. I had to literally explode with anger over something before she would begin to listen. We went to couples counseling and the communication got a lot better, but right when we were breaking up, she frigging did it again! She ISN'T this way with her actual friends--she's very sensitive to how they respond to things. Only to ME.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

sexual attraction can blind people to others' affects. That's one of the problems with having a powerful erotic fetish, if it blinds you to the actual response of the person you're objectifying it makes any real connection difficult.

Yeah, that sounds like what was going on with her.

[FTMax]

I think it's fairly common to only date queer people if you yourself are queer. I know quite a few lifelong LGBTQ folks who have never attempted a straight relationship unless/until they were with a trans partner.

With the suit thing, maybe that was her way of trying to make you feel good about the suit? Like she wanted you to see how attractive she found you in the suit? That's what I'd think about that, but of course I wasn't there.

As far as calling you her wife, was this to your face or to others? I could see not wanting to out a spouse who is pre-transition to others. To your face is a bit tougher. Was there ever a conversation about how that wasn't the best term for you? Did it seem like she was using it to solidify your position/role in her life as a female partner? I guess depending on the circumstances I could see it a few different ways.

I think being ignorant to trans issues is quite common in the greater LGBQ community. I think it's becoming less so, but it does not surprise me that she would lack knowledge about how to treat a trans person in a relationship. Had she dated other trans men in the past? If not, I think there is a learning curve involved but it's not something that takes any significant length of time to learn. Certainly not years.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

With the suit thing, maybe that was her way of trying to make you feel good about the suit? Like she wanted you to see how attractive she found you in the suit? That's what I'd think about that, but of course I wasn't there.

Nope, she admitted she had a fetish for men in suits and would make comments if I wore one that she would 'hold herself back'. It badly shook my confidence.

As far as calling you her wife, was this to your face or to others? I could see not wanting to out a spouse who is pre-transition to others. To your face is a bit tougher. Was there ever a conversation about how that wasn't the best term for you? Did it seem like she was using it to solidify your position/role in her life as a female partner? I guess depending on the circumstances I could see it a few different ways.

It was to my face and to others. She got really involved in a lesbian online community and felt like I gave her cred. Even though she knew I was a guy. I did speak up about it but not very much because I learned early on not to be assertive about my needs because she would freak out and I didn't want to displease her.

I think being ignorant to trans issues is quite common in the greater LGBQ community. I think it's becoming less so, but it does not surprise me that she would lack knowledge about how to treat a trans person in a relationship. Had she dated other trans men in the past? If not, I think there is a learning curve involved but it's not something that takes any significant length of time to learn. Certainly not years.

Yeah, her first boyfriend was a trans man. Anyhoo, of course she was ignorant about dysphoria and stuff like that but there was more than that that made the relationship unhealthy. Still, she'd tell me one moment she saw me as a man but then go around and call me her wife and call herself a lesbian. So I didn't know what to think. I didn't transition for years after I got the money because I thought she would be displeased but finally after some therapy I decided I needed top surgery whether she liked it or not. And she was pretty supportive through that.

[Janes Groove]

One person's fetish is another's meat and potatoes.  Every single one of us is like a unique snowflake when it comes to sex.
And gender too.

Nature loves diversity. It rewards it.
The human mind? Not so much. It loves categories. And names.

[Kylo]

If she's an ex... does it matter anymore?

[Wild Flower]

Tall men became a fetish thing for me... I love tall men.

Not even sure if that's consider a fetish though.

[Raell]

People can have attractions for certain genders, orientations, etc, subconsciously, before they realize they are LGBTQ.

When I was with my ex husband, I responded to him only when I mentally detached myself and thought of him as a male stripper I'd ordered from an online catalogue (Luckily, he looked the part, and to my shock, loved the idea and played along).

I could only kiss him when I pictured myself as a guy.

Mystery solved now..after I left him and moved to Thailand in 2010 I found out I'm partially transmale, and he recently  contacted me to say he's decided to live as a women, although he considers himself "other."

People tend to imagine what they must, to accept their partners physically, and can offend partners with their fantasies.

[TransAm]

Nope, she admitted she had a fetish for men in suits and would make comments if I wore one that she would 'hold herself back'. It badly shook my confidence.

I'm curious about this. Did you feel shaken because you felt that she was only willing to see you as male by way of you putting on the suit? Otherwise, I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around how this was upsetting. Mind you, I'm not trying to say it wasn't upsetting for you, I just don't understand.

My fiancée is really attracted to the suit and clean-cut look, as well, whereas I tend to gravitate towards a more rugged/outdoorsman sort of appearance. This makes it very hard for her to hold back when I finally do put on more formal attire.
I don't feel fetishized in the slightest when that does occur, though. It wouldn't really be any different than her coming down the steps in lingerie and heels and me picking my jaw off the floor; like the old saying goes, a good suit is to women as good lingerie is to men.

Tall men became a fetish thing for me... I love tall men.

Not even sure if that's consider a fetish though.

I rather think that's more of an attraction than a fetish.
Try to think of it in these terms:
An attraction is a preference, not a requirement for sexual/mental/physical fulfillment, that you find alluring. -- "I really love beards but I don't mind that my boyfriend can't really grow one."
A fetish is an obsession, something you absolutely require to achieve sexual/mental/physical fulfillment, that sometimes teeters on the brink of being unhealthy. -- "I can't come unless she's wearing tall boots and she lets me lick them."