2+ Years in: Update? Thoughts? Maybe just "Where I am now."

[Michelle69Elizabeth]

So I realized today that I just passed 2 years 3 months on hrt, and started to wonder what that actually ment.

I mean, I made it I guess. Sort of, if I put any thought into it. Most of the time I feel like I am still trying to catch up, but it's the small things now. I came out shortly after starting hormones, been full time for over a year and a half. I don't remember the last time I was misgendered, outside of work where they have all known me for a long time. Not to say that I am 100% passable, I am not, but if or when people notice they never say anything or treat me in any way other than a girl. My voice is probably as good as it ever need be from what I can tell. ( I still work on it though. 😊 ) My court date for name change and gender marker is just over a month away. Had to use a lawyer after being charged and the delays that went with a clerk not understanding that my name change was NOT because I was getting married. 😖 Grr! Twice! Even though I filled out the proper paperwork. At least the second time was not a huge delay, just my form being sent back along with the "PROPER" form for a marital name change and a request for payment of $5 for the "PROPER" marital name change form. Sheesh! Anyway, very excited about that. 😊

Seriously girls, when passability looms by voice or looks or whatever, get the name change done. The hassle has been almost unbearable. Save yourself and others the uncomfortable moments. For me they have been piling up. It was cute at first and, wow, did it ever make me happy. Now I just don't want to deal with it anymore. If I pay the bill at a restaurant I have to make sure they see me put my card in or I get to to watch them apparently stupefied as they hand the bill to be signed to my boyfriend and he smiles, winks at me then slides it in my direction. HE thinks it's funny, I just feel bad for the person. I think that the doctors office is the worst. After two years they should KNOW better. Poor little old men who ogle anyone in a skirt nearly swallow their tongue when the nurse comes out, calls my name and I stand up. Just my take on it, but could be something to keep in mind if you are early in transition.

More than anything for me right now is adapting to the change in how men interact with women as opposed to how they interact with men and the same thing with women. The difference is astounding. I have had my head down focusing on my transition and not paying attention I guess. Maybe because I feel like I've gotten to a point in my transition that I have some breathing room I notice more but...   the rules have changed. For instance:

The stares in the beginning have stopped and for months I have been practically invisible and oh my god! It's been wonderful. Now I am getting stares again. Not the stare, mutter to the person next to you so you can both stare stares, but more like a seemingly common place, nothing out of the ordinary, just walking by and decided to stare at you stare. By women only and not accompanied by the nudge her neighbor so they can figure out what you are things. And not the glare that I have gotten used to, also by women, that I figure means that they don't approve of the fact that I don't wear a bra. Though I am not sure about that one as sometimes the way I layer my clothes makes it nearly impossible to tell that I am not wearing one. It has made me a little more insecure about passing recently. Everyone still treats me like a woman, I use the girls bathroom like any other girl with no reaction at all. I just don't know what it means. The other day a young girl, maybe early 20s, comes in the bathroom as I am drying my hands, looks me up and down and kinda sneered, then walked to the stall like she owned the place. What? How am I supposed to react to that? Am I being clocked? Have I committed fashion suicide without realizing it? Do I have lettuce in my teeth? The rules have most definitely changed and I didn't get the memo.

My tablet is screaming at me to feed it. So I will post this plug in my starving tablet and find my phone to finish up.

[Michelle69Elizabeth]

Okay back now.

With guys it is more confusing. I may have always thought that I was out of place around guys but they didn't know that. If I didn't understand the rules, at least I knew them. Now men have gone from unfathomable to downright baty. I remember thinking early on that becoming one of the girls would be difficult, I just had very little experience, but men would be easy. I have been forced to be around them my whole life after all they are simple creatures. Right?

Wrong! When I first started to transition they still treated me like one of the guys. Eventually they figured out that I had no intention to pretend any longer that I cared what fuel injection is. Does my car go when I put my foot on the gas pedal? Well, that's good enough for me. Slowly I just let it fade away, and eventually I just became a background fixture when talking with guys in plural. That was fine, I had expected it and was more than a little relieved. By that time I had enough girl friends that were more comfortable to talk with anyway. That went on for quite a while and truthfully, the men that I only knew peripherally are still uncomfortable around me. Of the men who have been my friends for a long time only one still treats me the same as always. But then again, he has always said that I sound like his wife, calling me out on it daily. "Yes Jen." "I know Jen." Or, "You know if I wanted to spend all day every day with my wife, I would become a nurse and get a job with her." Mostly they just all kinda kept me included but, with different interests, more towards the edge. That was at work, outside of work I got the stares instead of the customary,"You do you, I'll do me and we will all get along." Thing. Expected though really going through transition.

Now some of the guys at work have gone from being 'Men' to being aliens. One, quite intelligent and good with words, must be on some serious meds. When I walk in the room, everyone, not just me, looks at him like they don't understand what he is talking about. Another seems okay with me, comes to my office sometimes just to chat but is constantly insulting me. I don't get it. One thing that I have noticed at work and I kinda feel guilty when I use it to irritate them. Guys don't seem to like being interrupted. Girls, no problem, we go back and forth and even from subject to subject not really caring. Which is fine but if a lone guy gets thrown into the mix it will drive him crazy. 😊 It doesn't seem to work with more than one, they will generally just talk to each other when we start flip- flopping. Anyway, that is at work. Outside of work I have to wonder sometimes if I have developed a skin affliction or something. I had gotten used to being invisible. Now, I have never seen people look away so quickly! I almost prefer the stares. Are they clocking me so easily? The other day I was walking out of a store, finish putting my wallet in my bag and look up right as this guy is walking in the door that I am walking out of. He looks up, eyes kinda bug out, jerks his head back down and jumps to the side and all but dashes away. When I was a guy in a skirt I never got a reaction like that. I was absolutely crushed.

With everything, I am almost more confused now than ever. Totally questioning my passability.

So....   Today marked 2 years 3 months. Where am I at? Well, I am happy. At 47 years old, have my first boyfriend. I am a girl or trans girl, I am not sure which or if it matters. Sometimes, in light of recent strangeness, I feel like I am at the beginning again and that I have a long way to go. I am just not afraid anymore or wondering who I am or what gender I am.

I am incredibly happy with my transition and hope that everyone who reads this is also or will get there shortly.

Thanks for listening. 😊

[Denise]

I would say that you now pass 100% and are being treated like a lady. 

About credit cards, I called American Express and explained the situation and a few days later a credit card with "Denise" showed up in my mailbox.

[Michelle69Elizabeth]

Thanks Denise. 😊 I can only hope.
Sometimes what I need too improve on seems as overwhelming as it did in the beginning. So much to do and not sure where to start. Then I have to take a deep breath, step back and ask myself;

How do you eat an elephant?
One bite at a time.

Wish I would have thought of that. I don't know if it would have worked but I could have tried. My card is through my credit union. It's almost over now. 😊

[HappyMoni]

Hi Michelle,
   I thank you for the update. I could relate to a lot of it. It is hard to see where you stand with people when you can't pop into their head and see for yourself. I have gotten very sweet smiles from guys and had others look at me too long with stone faces. I have no idea. They could be thinking the same thing, that cold beer waiting for them at home. Once in a while you get a good clue on passability. A waitress walked to my table yesterday and, with only my face as a clue, called me 'Ma'am.' True looks into how people see us are hard to come by. I can get to where I don't care, well... until that next mood hits and I do care. I do think becoming invisible is a sign of passing as female. Unfortunately, women are all to frequently viewed as a piece of meat or are dismissed as not worthy of attention. Wow that is pretty cynical, I guess, but there is a sad truth in it.
   I think guys who knew our previous incarnations, have a hard time knowing how to act. Woman seem to adjust much better. I wonder if there is a fear that if guys make the adjustment to treating us as our 'appropriate' selves, that they might be seen as gay. Guys many times have to deal with pressures like that.
   As for passability, the doubts can drive you crazy. Two choices come to mind. Improve presentation if possible, or develop the ability to not let it bother you! I am working on both myself. Wish you the best!
Moni