I feel like crumbling up into a hole

[Wild Flower]

Last night (after being 3 days sober), I was drunk. Anyways, I kinda profess my love for someone on facebook without mentioning a name (it was a weird post but I deleted that quickly; I am over it, I don't want to think about that crap right now lol).....  And I told one friend I am transgender (the one who is married to a transgender man), and so I feel awkward now, I feel like I want to sleep, crumble up into a ball, and just disappear right now.

But I also feel happy/relief.... like I am okay, and everything will be okay.

The world is spinning. At least I hope. She accepted the message, no big deal (I actually told her who I love and I am transgender). Actually I feel like early Jenna Marbles right now because she released epic/embarrassing videos to the world, and she kept going.

What was it like telling the first person you are transgender?!!!

[zamber74]

I too was inebriated when I told my wife, it was actually kind of nice, she accepted it fully, I mean she even bought me some Naire yesterday (chem burns now, ouch!)  I knew she has always been an open minded person who is strongly in support of LGBT issues, and she would not leave me, but she took it really well much more than I anticipated, so it was great really.

But beyond that it has been a roller coaster, some days I want to dive in completely, and live my life as I so desire, other days I am so full of anxiety that I too would like to curl up in a ball and disappear.  There is so much for me to do, in order to transition that I feel absolutely overwhelmed, and even worst is that I am afraid of people and how they will react.

And telling my wife, opened that, it is now out in the open, for the past several days I have completely accepted myself,  I don't feel ashamed of what I am.  The fear of others is still very real though, and I must get past that fear, which is going to be tough.

I like rambling a lot   Might as well take this a bit further right?  I'm a very accommodating person, I always put the needs of others before my own, and when I feel like I am making other people uncomfortable it hurts me, I am quick to self blame.  People have told me all of my life, to stop saying sorry, to be more assertive, and it is just not part of who I am.  So you can imagine, how I feel about this right now.  I am full of anxiety, if it is not bad enough that people will likely reject me, I am going to start feeling like crap just for making them uncomfortable in the first place.. it is a viscous circle that perpetuates a deep feeling of shame that somehow I am responsible for.  I don't think many people really understand what that is like, they have the ability to push themselves first, and not care what others think or how they feel, and really they shouldn't feel bad about that. 

So, right now - at this moment, I completely accept that I am TS.  What I am fearful of, what is in the back of my mind at all times, is other people.  How can I get past this deep rooted sense that I must please others.. and really, just for once try to put myself first.

It is difficult to explain really. 


So, there ya go.  I really like to push a subject sometimes, lol..

[KathyLauren]

What was it like telling the first person you are transgender?!!!

It was a huge relief!  The pressure had been building up for months that I had to tell my wife.  It was such a relief to finally get it off my chest.  I came out to my next door neighbour about an hour later, and to various other people, mostly distant friends on email, since then.  The reactions have all been positive.

[Wild Flower]

zamber,


I understand.

It's like you want to tell others your innermost secrets, your emotional brain, and then your logical brain tells you "don't don't don't don't".

It's like jumping off a cliff, with a parachute for the first time, it's like you want to enjoy the ride, but there is a risk of danger. And you don't know if you will land okay, but you take the chance anyways. (that's actually a good metaphor, I could that in a song like..)

[LShipley]

The first girl I told I worked with for a year and she had a trans best friend. I felt super awkward the first time we talked about it but the next day nothing changed and fast forward, nothing ever did change

[Sephirah]

What was it like telling the first person you are transgender?!!!

Utterly terrifying. It was the loss of control more than anything. The feeling that you've entrusted someone with one of your most personal pieces of information and you have absolutely no control over how they will react. And that once it's out there, it's out there. And you can't take it back. The first time was one of the scariest things I've done in my whole life.

I remember my mouth was so dry it felt full of sand, and my hands were shaking. It was like the feeling you get going for something like a job interview only multiplied by a thousand.

Back then, however, I had more defense mechanisms than the Pentagon. And trust issues. Which I still kind of do. But over time it has gotten easier. I think part of that was letting go of the feeling that you are responsible for how people react to what you tell them, you know? That if someone hates you because of it then it's somehow your fault for telling them. Letting go of that feeling was a big step for me, and hard one.

Now I am of the opinion that people either they accept it or they don't. And if they don't, it's on them, not me. And as a result, telling people has gotten easier. If not always painless... at least easier.

[Rachel]

Other than my mom at age 5, boyfriend in high school, intake and therapist, the first cis person I told as an adult was my Operations Manager. I was so scared, I cried. He was very cool with it and supportive. I felt so good after it was done.

I look trans so I do not need to tell people I am trans. Hopefully 2017 I will be able to blend in and if I do I will never hide who I am.

[Abbieabbie]

To those who are having a hard time:

Offers you a hug

[Wild Flower]

Utterly terrifying. It was the loss of control more than anything. The feeling that you've entrusted someone with one of your most personal pieces of information and you have absolutely no control over how they will react. And that once it's out there, it's out there. And you can't take it back. The first time was one of the scariest things I've done in my whole life.

I remember my mouth was so dry it felt full of sand, and my hands were shaking. It was like the feeling you get going for something like a job interview only multiplied by a thousand.

Back then, however, I had more defense mechanisms than the Pentagon. And trust issues. Which I still kind of do. But over time it has gotten easier. I think part of that was letting go of the feeling that you are responsible for how people react to what you tell them, you know? That if someone hates you because of it then it's somehow your fault for telling them. Letting go of that feeling was a big step for me, and hard one.

Now I am of the opinion that people either they accept it or they don't. And if they don't, it's on them, not me. And as a result, telling people has gotten easier. If not always painless... at least easier.

I like this post a lot, and can relate to it.

I think last night will be a regret, but I think I learn valuable life lessons from facebook. A week or two ago, I was really bothered by getting rejected by old friends, and now I am like not a feeling a thing. I think by 10th of January, once work picks up (I update my page more), I would easily forget what I posted last night and the message to my friend telling her I am transgender. Although, there's nothing I can do about it. I hope it has given me a tougher skin.

Right now, I am thinking , "I look so creepy", thankfully I also put into "I am drunk right now" in the post of me professing my love. (will I say its the biggest regret of my life??)  In others people mind, I bet they already forgotten. I only have 26 friends on there, so it's not like the whole wide world knows. And its deleted...

I didn't give a name out either... I was also in my drunken state thinking "Oh this will make me look straight". I think it had that effect definitely, but not the way I intended.

No, I am still alive, got a job, none of my day-to-day operations will change.

[LordKAT]

It is frightening  the first time. It does get easier. It helps to be prepared for the possible scenarios,. That was the mistake I made. I didn't expect some of the awful negative and ignorant things  some people said. The odd part was, after I prepped myself for some of that, it didn't happen again, at least not as viciously.

It is worth remembering that you can only control your own behavior, not that of others. They are responsible for their own actions, (or inactions).

[Michelle_P]

I'm pretty sure alcohol and social media don't mix well.  Drinking and posting is right up there with drinking and driving in my book.  Oh, the accidents are less lethal, but can cause serious psychic damage.

I'm cutting way, way back.  To zero alcohol, I think.  I think my liver will thank me, as the other drugs are rough enough on it.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Wild Flower]

That's a great way of looking at it.

[HappyMoni]

   Coming out is very scary. It makes sense because you have two images or faces to the world that are involved. You are in a sense destroying the way everyone has seen you all of your life. You may not like that image, but it is one you have depended on all your life. You can't go, "Oh sorry, I didn't mean it." once you come out. It is irrevocable. You are compelled to do it because you are trans, and yet what you are replacing that image with is hard to picture perhaps. It is new to you, you are feeling your way as you go, and it  is hard to have confidence in the new image of yourself.
   Looking back, I was able to come out because I could no longer stand to live life in pretense. When your back is up against the wall, you end up making a  commitment to push through the fear. Living in hiding is like living under a giant boulder. In a sense, it protects you from anything out in the world hurting you. Of course, you are still living under the weight of a stinking boulder. Coming out is like pushing off that boulder and seeing all the positives and negatives the world has to offer.
Monica

[Kylo]

What was it like telling the first person you are transgender?!!!

Not difficult for me. I expected the people I'd told to be able to handle it.

One thing I never do is tell anyone something I'm not already 100% cool with being known. There have been other times in my life I told people things they thought was some huge secret burden and it wasn't, because I had dealt with it completely before I told them. Sometimes I told people certain things as a test to see how well they kept that "secret" or that confidence in them. Not well at all, of course. Which I expected...

It's not the telling that's the tough part. Because initially people seem to be accepting of any sort of thing told in confidence before they've processed it. But then they have time to think and for their prejudices or immovable preferences to come out. It's tougher having the topic brought up days weeks or months later and seeing how their initial reaction has changed. People's average response was for them to think I was just "having a moment" and not seriously going ahead with transition. Once they realized I was deadly serious... that's when the 'fun' started.

[Lilliana]

What was it like telling the first person you are transgender?!!!

Well, my father was less than pleased when he saw me out as a woman in the late eighties.  I did not want to push the issue but I had to talk to him later that day at his house to clear the air and while I was apprehensive and did not want to hurt him, I have to admit, it was kind of liberating.  He of course thought I was gay and I guess that makes me a lesbian.  We did not really touch on the subject much later (we always had a great relationship in that we are very similar which makes me wonder, hmmm) and now he is dead.

People at work kind of figured out what was going on and at my main job, they did not say anything until I came out last week and I got the impression that despite acting like it was new news, they expected it so I will see how this plays out.

People at my other job figured it out two months ago and started calling me Kaitlyn which is actually pretty funny so I admitted it to one co-worker two weeks ago and let the rumor mill run its course (I tell them now that I am keeping my name which luckily for me is androgynous).  It does not seem to have affected my relationships with them that I can see so far.

It was a relief, strangely titillating and seemed rather normal.  I am sure these feelings will evolve.  I would never have been able to admit this twenty years ago the last time I was ready to transition.

[JoanneB]

What was it like telling the first person you are transgender?!!!

I sort of think I had several "First Times" throughout my very long existing and short lived life. Most times, "Terrifying" is well withing TOS 11 guidelines for acceptable language.

There were two actually empowering(?) times this last incarnation of Joanne. After having said it many times to my therapist, one day once again said said "I know I am a transsexual woman..." and suddenly a bolt of lightning hit. I call that moment the day I took full ownership of it.

The other was when I was Social Justice Warrior mode between being jerked around by my health insurance (BCBS) for months claiming the infamous "Gender Exemption" for my E piled on top of all the media hype with Caitlyn Jenner a few months earlier and the tail end of the major hype on the state's whose name I dare not say "Bathroom Bill", I went to HR to let them know of the hypocrisy of having a boiler plate Non-Discrimination policy stating Gender and Gender-Expression while at the same time having a trans-exemption in the health plan.

As to be expected in my Trans-Irony filled life, 3 days latter was when HHS came out with their rule that anyone doing any sort of business, including writing insurance polices for the ACA cannot wrote policies at all with a trans exemption.  Last word was Horizon BCBS in NJ is still saying does not apply to us.