Every night the fear sets in

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Every morning I'm happy to wake up and full of energy, but every time the sun goes down the fear sets in. Right when my marriage was ending my ex wife traumatized me and I ended up calling a suicide crisis line. Every night since then I've been afraid of the dark. I know my fears are irrational but I end up fighting them daily. I've tried visualizing love surrounding me and things like that, and I've tried telling myself my fear is irrational. But without fail, every time the sun goes down I get fearful. Terrified. I haven't actually been suicidal but I'm afraid of becoming suicidal.

I was traumatized a lot in my childhood so I am prone to an overactive amygdala. I'm not quite sure what to do but this is causing me a lot of anxiety and draining energy away from more productive pursuits. Suggestions?

[FTMax]

Do you have a therapist you can talk to? Would your doctor be open to prescribing anything that might help you sleep or quell the anxiety?

[Rikigirl]

Do you have a therapist you can talk to? Would your doctor be open to prescribing anything that might help you sleep or quell the anxiety?

I have to agree! This is not something that could be solved in a forum! All I can say is I have seen excercise, even just daily walking for 30 minutes can help moderate our fears and anxieties! Maybe this could help? It must be so hard to manage this fear on your own! I hope you find peace!

[JoanneB]

I can relate a somewhat similar scenario which for us both seems like it boils down to having too much quality time alone with your thoughts.    And boy does it suck.

Also similar may be the decades of having to rely on what I call the the 3Ds to deal with the dysphoria; Distractions, Diversions; and some Denial. During the day time you have work and other activities to occupy the mind and body. Coming home to an empty place is depressing enough. More so when it triggers all sorts of reminders of "What could have been"

Time and a few hundred gallons of tears, and of course my Teddy Bear who never complained about getting a good soaking helped.

What didn't help was relying on my old friends of food and booze. Both of which when you add in a scale did a lot to further fuel the depression. OK it did help some in that it got me to eventually get my fat arse moving, starting with short walks after work to eventually a good hour plus. Which in rural West Virginia is uphill both ways. Time outside alone allowed me to see the joy of the world around me as well as how tenacious life is.  This was followed on by  what is now a drastic departure from what my diet, or staples, were. I still cannot give up my pizza and pastries, even after years of paltry portions.

[Kylo]

You need to kill the root of the weed.

What exactly are you afraid of? And why should you be afraid of it now?

Don't tell me, tell yourself. If there are some painful truths that need admitting then you need to admit them, to yourself, and decide whether you want to be destroyed or whether you want to fight, and live, and overcome.

This is the only way I know how to overcome fear and the death thing. It works for me, though.

[Rachel]

You are going through a lot of change and splitting from a long term relationship. When things quiet down in the evening the thoughts come in and it is overwhelming. I agree with the others, work it out ( resolve those things that are overwhelming, list them and tackle each one methodically) and seek the help of a therapist if needed. What ever you do don't forget to breath and remember in 6 months things will be much better.

This is about me and in not way implied about you. My therapist suggested I replicated my childhood home life to some extent in my marriage partner choice (home growing up was very bad). I agree to a point but in no way to the level of physical ( there was no sexual abuse in my marriage) abuse when I was growing up.  Further, she said I repeated the same negative reinforcement cycle and will continue the cycle until I resolve the underlying issues. I am on that journey. If I ever have another partner it will be someone that is supportive of who I am.

[Sephirah]

I'm inclined to go with Kylo on this. He brings up a very salient point.

You need to kill the root of the weed.

What exactly are you afraid of? And why should you be afraid of it now?

You mention that since the end of your marriage, this has manifested itself. What is it about the darkness that isn't there in the light?

I've noticed that a lot of the time, when people have irrational fears, they're actually based on very real fears to do with associations we make with the things we're scared of. And the defense mechanisms of those real fears kicking in. Like the mind says "run, run away. Here's a shot of adrenaline to help!" Often, getting past fear is understanding where it comes from, and the underlying reasons for it.

There are people way more qualified than I who can help you work through this, and as has been suggested, it may be worth contacting someone to help you deal with it. Having said that, however, sometimes I can't help meddling. So I'll just throw a few things out there for you to think about.

What is darkness? A place where you can't see around you. Where you have little control over things that could be there which you can't see. And if you can't see it coming, you can't control what you do about it. You lay there and let things happen. Feeling helpless. You can only react.

Being traumatised by someone else is a loss of control. It's giving power over yourself to someone else. Feeling helpless. Being able only to react. See what I'm saying? Maybe somewhere deep down, those are the associations you have with darkness. And you subconsciously remember all those emotions you felt, what it almost drove you to. And this is where the fear comes from. The fear that it could happen again. And that is what you're afraid of.

Sweetie, I think a good step for you might be to work on taking that power and control over yourself back. To be master of your own surroundings. Telling yourself that it's just irrational won't work if it's based on something very real that your mind is trying to protect you from. I can't say it's an easy thing to do, at all. But it can be done.

Seeing someone in a professional capacity might be a good idea to help deal with this. But also keep a small notepad next to your bed. Every morning write down what happened during those periods of darkness. What you thought might happen and what actually happened. I would expect a whole lot of "nothing at all, it was fine". But you can look at this, over and over, each morning, to start to send the signal to your subconscious that "you know, every night you make me terrified, and every morning absolutely nothing happened that I should be afraid of. I was totally in control. Maybe it's time to just quit it! There's nothing there that can hurt me. I can get through the night just fine without you screwing it up, thank you very much. I can be at peace."

Reinforcing positive thought patterns is a good way to remove negative ones.

*hugs* You can do it.

[Asche]

I would suggest looking for a therapist who specializes in trauma treatment.  A number of effective techniques have been developed recently for dealing with trauma; the best book I know of on the subject is The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk.

Note that what works for one person won't work for the next, so you need someone who is up on a number of techniques.  Also note that it might take a while, if the trauma started at an early age.  (That's my situation.)

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Thanks to everyone for your comments. They're very helpful. I do have a therapist but haven't been able to see him over the holidays. Rachel Lynn, I also survived an abusive childhood (not sexual, but physical and psychological) and it definitely affects my relationships as an adult. It's morning, I'm pretty good now. I really do fear what she can do to me with just words and she isn't out of my life yet. She behaved all weekend and then waited until I was driving down the interstate to say upsetting stuff to me which I guess tells you what kind of coward she is.