GCS with Dr Wittenberg April 2017, thanks for y'alls help!

[SadieBlake]

You're 150% welcome Talita, one of the hard things about getting to the decision and then managing my expectations post op was the lack of really complete accounts of transition and especially not for my surgical team. The two women who wrote about Satterwhite who trained my doc more or less stopped posting at 1-2 months out. I wanted to leave a full account, though I will probably also fade away soon.

[SadieBlake]

I had an interesting experience this week. Prior to an upcoming first appointment my new gynecologist wanted me to obtain surgical notes from my procedure and being interested myself I had Wittenberg's office email the record to me directly.

In spite of having spent a fair bit of time in operating suites observing procedures and my own prior 3 experiences of surgery, pre-op reading the details was never easy, watching the animation of the PI technique even more difficult. I did of course, because I wanted to know what would be done and how the technique had changed since my understanding based on what they did in the '90s when I was first considering vaginoplasty.

So it was really unexpected that as I read the notes, what I felt was an erotic tingle, admiration for the job Heidi had done (I certainly have a minor girl crush on her).

I think the thing is I now feel *that good* about the results. Where pre-op I was sitting with a lot of pain already registered around my former genitals and so anticipation of more pain there wasn't easy to contemplate. With most of that past and moving along to a place of pleasure and already being engaged in a happier sexuality, the fears I'd had are completely evaporated, replaced with warm happiness.

[SadieBlake]

Goddess is health care in the US the most effed up thing I've had the displeasure of navigating.

Even though the pshrink I've been seeing for 4 years also works in a place that takes my new insurance, it's taken fully 3 months to get back onto regular visits, during which time she's been able to squeeze me into the schedule twice.

Same insurance will only allocate me 20 progesterone at a time and denied my estradiol valerate (IM injection), has now denied the prior authorization sent by my endocrinologist and is saying I need to go on pills and prove that doesn't work before they'll authorize. Because I'm really interested in doing what my doc already said I shouldn't and in doing a bunch more testing to re-titrate levels (again, my endo happens to work both in my old insurance context and for the new one so you'd think it would be simple - NOT).

They gave me a way to have my doc go directly to a peer-peer review which MIGHT get it cleared up in a single phone call. </rant>

All that said, the rest of life is OK and thankfully the vial of EV I'm currently working on will last me well into next year so there's time to work out the insurance snafu.

[SadieBlake]

Look at my tickers friends, 6 months post-op today!

Back to my breasts, a favorite topic. I have a lot of B cup bras because prior to HRT dressing pretty was my main route to alleviate dysphoria and while back then I didn't even fill out an A cup, it was nearly impossible to find that in larger band sizes. Now I mostly fill out those older bras and the A cups I started buying as larger band "A"s have become available .. ( https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,229931.new.html) still, it's wonderful to be putting on an old favorite design and have it finally well after so many years of feeling weird for having the cups full of air!

Sex continues to improve, I'm able to consistently get to that place where the pre orgasmic twinges come on, still feeling a ways from getting over the top of that mountain. And still an amazing feeling, sexual play post op has been an amazing exploration of many nuances and complexity.

On a less happy front my insurance still hasn't approved injectable estrogen, it's been a month and the told me to have my doc resubmit to masshealth directly this time and so I'm hopeful to not be spending another month of many phone calls to get this in place.

On a very happy front, I'm back to regular visits with my pshrink and she was as usual amazing and intuitive,asked me what my goals are and my answer was just getting to a place where surviving my days isn't a question. I'm still struggling with some things and yet I can also feel we may be nearing and end of therapy.

I learned something humbling yesterday morning when the scheduling person told me my pshrink is coming in early to fit me into her schedule, otherwise she'd not be in the office at the time we're meeting. I really love my doc, we talked about that too, it's not exactly a desirable thing, but a natural result of who I am and how compassionate she is.

[SadieBlake]

Well 5+ weeks later they've finally approved IM estradiol. My endocrinologist was great about getting that taken care of, though I hate having to do that to her. I sort of can't believe how bad my new insurance is. I'm a combination of lucky and well prepared, I had a 2 month supply of E on hand, suppose I'd been out of it? 4+ weeks off hrt due to their incompetence?

I had my first appointment with my gynecologist! She was nice and had really positive reaction to the appearance of my vagina -- she has no prior experience of mtf vaginoplasties but has had a few natal female patients who've had vaginal construction due to being born without, apparently that condition is more common than gender dysphoria, I wouldn't have guessed that.

I also got to ask her about clitoral stimulation while biking and whether that would be normal for a cis female, she said it is. I like knowing that's normal, I'd been feeling a bit weird about it and it's not something I'd been comfortable asking my cis female riding friend.

And my GF took me to see m.butterfly in NYC this last weekend. It was sort of a celebration of out 19th anniversary. Google had put the play on my radar and I managed to get to the theater with no idea that this was a script all about gender ... well, ok also about geopolitics.

Clive Owen and Jin Ha playing his lover / paramour Song put in spectacular performances. The script was significantly rewritten from the '86 play and is a much more nuanced treatment of the crossing of gender norms than the original.

I was moved strongly by this play, not that tears are uncommon for me but being a recently transitioned woman watching this story unfold without a lot of preconceptions was quite an experience. I recommend this play highly to anyone. But don't familiarize yourself with the plot in advance for the best experience.

[HappyMoni]

Hi Sadie, Congrats on your 6 month birthday. So glad you are doing well. I look forward to 6 months so I can sleep an extra hour in the morning. I only have to dilate once then. I have to go off hormones this weekend for surgery in two weeks. Am I crazy? Probably. Take care and keep postin!
Moni

[mm]

HappyMoni, why do you have to go off hormones for two weeks?

[SadieBlake]

mm, it's due to nominally increased risk of embolisms when taking estrogen. I've never heard of a surgeon that doesn't require this.

[SadieBlake]

Moni, yeah, sucks to go off, be glad I guess that you don't have to go off for  5 weeks like I did? That really sucked.

And hugs and many thanks for your thoughts. It's a great milestone and the better because I'm feeling so much more healed. Also nice that it coincided with my 19th anniversary of seeing my GF.

[HappyMoni]

Happy Anniversary!  Not to play 'top this' but I was off for 6 weeks for FFS. I am lucky I can go right back on after surgery  this time. Yeah, the old blood clot thing. This transition thing is a long road and I'm still a running! Happy you are doing so well.
Moni

[SadieBlake]

Well dang it's been quite a week, I'm still really strapped for cash and still working far too many hours and still loving it. This week I took my blow time to make glass "marbles" Ben Wa balls. Now I can truly say "ours go to 11" because I finished 11 in a range of sizes and got to try them out Saturday morning. I've wanted to do this for a while and even posted a queery over in the sexuality area about experiences, I was worried because the one account I can remember finding had been an old post on this site and mentioned having them.get stuck.

Well they worked just fine, I'll post over in my sexuality thread later but for here, wow they're a great tool for working kegel exercises. Highly recommended.

In more vanilla news and far more exciting, yesterday afternoon I pulled out some of my best cane and made a mofo big bowl that's gonna warrant a photo here when it comes out of the annealer. As usually happens with large bowls this one involved a bit of a challenge late in the game - my assistant applied a little too much force on the paddle and the shape went wonky for a couple of heats but it cleaned up nicely without too much extra work.

[Michelle_P]

Clever girl!  Always love the creativity. I recall the intricate patterns you were making with your cane. I look forward to seeing what the  Big Bowl looks like!


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[Rachel]

Hi Sadie,

I just came across you GCS thread. Sorry I am late to congratulate you. Happy 6 months anniversary. I remember at 6 months I knew I could not break it

I had a few questions. One is your Avatar, may I ask why that avatar?

I have to ask. You mentioned the glass not getting stuck. How can it not get stuck? Then you mentioned kegel. I am intrigued. I will stop by the sexuality thread; a first for everything.

[SadieBlake]

Rachel, late imo is always just in time, thanks and hugs.

My Avatar is my namesake, Sadie Blake the protagonist of the film rise: blood hunter played by Lucy Liu. It's my favorite B film, combination of two of my favorite genres, a vampire seeking revenge. I am a member of a subversive bicycle gang whose members names are their superhero identity. Sadie Blake.had to be it for me and now I'm glad to wear that name all the time.

Ben Wa balls are sex/tantric exercise toys. Because they're spheres and the muscles of the pelvic floor can be tight, it's possible (and fun!!) to hold them in quite deep, even while walking about your day.

[SadieBlake]

Michelle (et al) putting the bowl images in my co-thread over in sexuality subforum, I don't feel like putting a link to my private storage in a world-readable page. Also I think they're dead-sexy while still definitely sfw :-)

[SadieBlake]

I had a great session with my pshrink this morning (notwithstanding having to bike there with some winter-like weather having finally made it's presence known in the NE -- I wore my fishnet pantyhose, the only option I have right now for a little leg-warming)

I bridged that I'm thinking of coming out to my mother (the cluster-B / antisocial personality disorder). I think the reason I'm pondering this difficult conversation is just that I hate that not being out with her also means not being out with most of my extended family and that is beginning to weigh on me.

On to happier subjects. We talked about my near inability to relate to masculine energy. Now that's not new, throughout my childhood and on into adolescence I chose girls to play with and preferred to spend time with women over men (and I got picked on pretty regularly by males and even females for not being a "regular guy"). To be sure as I got older I began to sexualize that; testosterone, even though I had relatively small amounts of it gave me plenty of libido. Still, my longing to be among females ran deeper.

So I feel I have this weird history. I certainly thought I was male for the first 40 years I was on this planet. I had the testosterone that made it fairly easy to blend in as male (also a way to escape the memories of that awful childhood). My brain certainly responded in a lot of masculine ways to stress situations and yet even as I emulated and understood that that emulation bought me ability to get by in the world with fewer hassles I really never *understood* why men wanted to be like that. I guess at my most masculine, it's fair to say I was still wondering to myself "Why do I have to do this?, it's STUPID!".

Well 20 years of realizing I'm female and slowly adjusting my behavior the hard way and now at nearly 2 years of low-female levels of testosterone, the thing that strikes me most is how hard it was to find myself in a brain influenced by T. To be sure, I made progress and I don't mind having done it the hard way first. However, ever since I started E, it's been so damned clear that all those things I worked for come so much more easily.

I dunno, it just feels complicated. Comes down to I have a very hard time relating to anything masculine. I can appreciate that a masculine lover might be a good thing on occasion, I just don't want to be around that guy that usually seems to go with it the next day.

So socially I'm still seeking out lesbians. I want to allow men into my life again, I wish I could feel better about that half of our population. It's just not there right now.

[SadieBlake]

I seem to be self lubricating, just 7 months and a day post op, I'd been feeling horny through the night (this happens a lot after I get laid but still having not figured out orgasms am left wanting some). I felt a bit wetter than normal and sure enough I decided to try this morning's dilation without (exogenous) lube and sure enough, it went fine with just my natural wetness.

My other post op news is that my ben wa balls work fine and I'm fully able to both hold them in and expect them using muscle control (hoorah for having practiced kegels for a couple of decades before transitioning). I'd been really worried about this because the only reference I'd been able to find for trans women and these tools for kegel exercise had been a Susan's post by a woman who'd been in able to expell them. I'd been worried about this and there'd been no replies to my own queery on the topic (yes I'll post later in my sexuality thread about the fun parts).

Thanksgiving was wonderful, just me and my partner. This year a friend of ours who usually comes over was absent and I can't say as I minded as she and my partner will usually spend the whole time talking about poetry and Facebook.

We ate really well, had my daughters over for a leftovers dinner Friday night and also went with them for dim sum Saturday morning. This was my older daughter's first times seeing me in a skirt (she lives in the usvi so we don't see her often) and all was fine. She got caught up on a couple of GOT episodes (they have no idea when they'll have power or phone / internet back post hurricane Maria).

[SadieBlake]

:-/ I don't have time to elaborate, will post when I get a chance

[SadieBlake]

I posted this in post-op forum bit as it doesn't seem to be get seen and I'd rather keep my thoughts in one place, I'm moving it here.

What's setting off my hormones-enhanced emotions this week

And also about being bisexual as female.

Having been explicitly disallowed from some of our local lesbian organizations and events for a couple decades ago is probably a lot of what makes this feel not a little daunting. The groups in my area have pivoted to being inclusive which feels great on the one hand, on the other I find myself "once bitten, twice shy".

And so I find myself really conflicted, on the one hand very much needing to reach out, to meet women to hang out with, maybe to date and also feeling quite frightened. I basically went underground, lived life closer to myself for 15 years now and venturing out to try and have a more meaningful social life feels daunting. So much so that just on thinking about it the other day I began to tear up in the middle of a time when that wasn't really an option and so instead I posted in my GCS thread about estrogen being difficult.

Now as I'm actually thinking through my past, I realized why it feels so upsetting (see above), so at least that's something -- knowledge is power and all that, right? Then why do I want to cry as I think these things through? Ok probably estrogen.

In the meantime I've done what we do in the modern era, installed a couple of lesbian dating apps (immediately limited to those that don't require FB accounts). The first is right out as I'm suddenly being cruised by men. Not that I mind men, just don't want them in a place that's supposed to be setup for women to find women.

The second has been more promising but imagine my feelings when I've been chatting with a woman whose profile claims she's local to me and suddenly she announced she's originally from FLA and just finishing school in Ghana. I quickly make note of the fact that I'm short on money and poof she's gone, taking with her some of my remaining shredded dignity :-(. (Yes, Nigerian scammers have moved on to Ghana.)

The lesbian and trans groups that I would have thought to reach out to for contacts seem to have dissolved and so now I'm looking bon Meetup.

Prospects grim,

Mood still horny but a bit sad just now.

[HappyMoni]

Sadie,
   You have to give things a little time Girl. You know being trans brings with it that awful curse, having to be patient. Don't let it get to you.
Moni