GCS with Dr Wittenberg April 2017, thanks for y'alls help!

[SadieBlake]

Missy,

Thanks, no offense or hurt was taken, no harm no foul, I was also perhaps sharp in my response on that point and sorry if it felt so.

Your ex and my present gf share the attachment to those parts and there's no doubt she's dubious on this, I'm glad my relationship will at least survive long enough for both of us to explore whether we need new primary partners, I think I'm exceptionally lucky in this

[amazonprincess]

Okay honey, i'm super terrible with advice but i'll try. The only thing i can say is, i feel like you should consider and think hard about what's more important to you, making her happy or going through with what makes you happy...reading your last few posts she sounds like she cares and both of you and missgendered were talking about your GF being attached to your shenis (do you mind me using that phrase?). I fully understand both her point and your point but honestly honey, i think you two should just talk it out and if you're not scared of her reaction, maybe you two can find neutral footing. I'll be cheering you on, just do what will make you the happiest at the end of the day, like i said...i think you should talk to her and to yourself think what's most important to you and what will give you the biggest smile .

[SadieBlake]

Amazon princess, your thoughts are so welcome. I do talk with the gf, yes sometimes it's the elephant in the room and that's ok too as we're both people with need to individually process things.

She's coming to SF with me. I think another part of difficulty in working through things is centered on her own family experience where her honest opinions weren't especially welcomed. I can make all the space in the world for her to express and if she doesn't feel safe saying stuff, that's coming from her own messed up family baggage.

Thanks again AP :-)

[SadieBlake]

Again, thank everyone, yes I'm decided, barring some catastrophic life problem, three months from today and just 2 weeks after my birthday, I will be having vaginoplasty with Dr Wittenberg.

I said at the start, I didn't want to telegraph my intent which is to proceed and I should also say that I was heavily affected by the screwup in brownstein & crane staff failing to communicate scheduling. I was veering toward my depressive side from the shock of 2 weeks of fearing the date would be an unworkable August, somewhat angry with these people I'm depending on for an important life change. I was also sorely missing seeing my therapist for a whole month due to problems both with her schedule and mine and inevitable missed sessions during the flu season because she's a working mother.

So sorry to be projecting all that, of course since then things haven't magically gotten easy, I injured a couple of fingers in the first half of January and as I work with my hands that took an extra toll in both stress and emotion.

More good news, yesterday I said the hell with the injuries (my actual thought isn't permitted here) and made a huge glass piece with really excellent results. It felt so good to verify that even though I've been off my game, it's not gone and it was also nice to just go for it in a piece that was too large for my assistant to really help out with.

ESTROGEN HAS NOT COST ME MY STRENGTH. Working 20 lbs of moving glass at the end of a 6 foot blow pipe is possible because I have some strength and sufficient body mass to counterbalance that weight. Yeah I'm 5'11" and tip the scales north of 220, inside I'm an anime waif who knows how to move fluidly.

I'm a really physical person and allowing myself to be feminine was truly part of what let me become that. 20 years ago, before I allowed myself to feel who I am, I was just badly cut off from my body.

In this I can even be grateful for the difficult path I've traversed. What was possible and not possible for me as a little girl in the oppressive 1950-60s has inevitably brought me to a place I can be happy about.

So yes, surgery in April, I will be looking for orgasms in June :-)

[SadieBlake]

I had 2 interesting experiences on the bus yesterday. Going in to Cambridge I saw a boy maybe age 10 staring at my breasts and then whisper to his mother while giggling. I chose the seat directly behind them, as it was the only full seat open and I had a huge pack with me that I'd rather park on the available spare seat. He turned around to look and then whisper to his mom again, etc. I smiled back and nodded, acknowledging his presence and went back to my reading.

I just realized on the trip home last night I was probably clocked by another trans woman. I was getting on bus with pack again as well as my folded bike and she approached, asking where this bus went (nowhere near her destination but maybe a good choice for a connection. Anyhow, she was pretty easy to read as trans and I might have understood that she was asking me rather than the driver on recognition that I was trans.

I was simply too tired to notice, it had been a long day and I'd just finished my first meal since breakfast and then barely managed to catch the last bus for another hour.

I kinda wish now I'd sat with her, however needing space for the folded bike made that unworkable.

[Nina_Ottawa]

Pre surgical jitters for me? Never had one instance where I thought if I'm doing the right thing.
Almost 2.5 years post op, never had one thought of "what if."

[SadieBlake]

Flights are booked. Logistics make me anxious but behind that I'm so happy to be proceeding.

[Sydney_NYC]

Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!

[SadieBlake]

Thanks Sydney, & congrats on finding a more local doc for yourself :-)!!

I've also now booked airbnb for night before surgery and the first week post op and push come to shove if staying with friends for the last 10 days falls through I can afford to do it all via airbnb :-)

So 90% of the logistics are set, I still need to pickup all the post op supplies I'll be needing (on the fence whether to fly with all that stuff or pick it up locally)

[Devlyn]

Big hug!  The little steps are really adding up for you. I'd grab that stuff locally.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Dena]

One option on the supplies is purchase them locally, box them up and ship them to the address you will be staying. Carry the small things but the bulky things are best not carried with you.

[Rachel]

Congratulations

When you arrive where you are staying I would pick up some small prepackaged things to eat for snacks like peanut butter crackers, ice cream and pretzels. I purchased blue chucks at a pet supply place and lube off of Amazon. You will need pads and plenty of underwear and comfy bottoms. 

[SadieBlake]

Thanks Dena and Rachel! Those things are on my list. My gf will be coming out and I'll be packing some of the post op things with her to bring along.

[SadieBlake]

I'm forever indebted to these two wonderful women, I appreciated what they had to say and all the help that's been key in getting me to this point.

With appropriate details elided, first my regular pshrink's letter:

January 1, 2017

Drs. Heidi Wittenberg & Thomas Satterwhite
Greenbrae, CA 94904

RE: letter of support for Ms. Xx Xx (DOB X/10/56)

Dear Drs. Wittenberg and Satterwhite,

I am writing on behalf of my patient, Ms. Xx, in support of her readiness for sexual reassignment surgery (i.e., vaginoplasty) to affirm her gender identity.  I have seen Ms. Xx for weekly psychotherapy and medication management since 2014, and have spent the past 2 years discussing in therapy her gender identification, sexuality, and the decision to proceed with both hormonal and surgical treatment.  I have also consulted with multiple other psychiatrists and psychologists with additional gender/sexuality expertise, including Dr. Yy who has also sent in a letter of support for Ms. Xx to proceed with surgery.

Ms. Xx is a thoughtful, self-reflective 60-year-old transgender woman who first identified as transgender about 20 years ago, though in hindsight she can trace certain feminine preferences, ways of thinking and behaviors back to childhood.  She has struggled with doubting whether she could ever "pass" as female, given her more masculine facial features, body build and receding hairline, and thus over the years had mostly resigned herself to presenting publicly more as traditionally "male" in certain realms (e.g., keeping a beard).  However, she has consistently found other ways to express her more gender-fluid, non-binary and female identity in both private and public settings.  Over time, we have explored what it would be like for her to have a body that corresponded better to her gender identity, and how much more comfortable she feels when able to inhabit that role.

As Ms. Xx proceeded with hormone therapy (which she started in January 2016) and coming out to family and friends about her transition over the past year, I have seen her confidence in her gender identity grow, as well as her comfort with her own body.  She has done extensive research on sexual reassignment surgery and communicated with many transgender individuals who have gone through the procedure.  After discussing for many months the potential benefits, risks and overall impact of this surgery on her life, she feels determined to proceed.  I feel that she has the capacity to provide informed consent regarding surgery, and do not have any reservations based on her current or past mental health.  If anything, coming out and embracing her gender identity more fully in real-life experience over the past year has been beneficial/therapeutic for her mood and interpersonal relationships.

Thus, I am in full support of Ms. Xx proceeding as she wishes with sexual assignment surgery, and will continue as her therapist and psychiatrist post-surgery as well.   Please do not hesitate to contact me if you have any further questions – I can be most easily reached at xxx-xxx-xxxx.   Ms. Xx has given her full permission for us to be in communication.

Sincerely,


Zz MD

Adult psychiatrist in private practice

MA License #xxxxx

Psychiatry attending
(Hospital)

Clinical Instructor
(Medical School)

And the evaluative letter:

Yy, PH.D.
Xx Massachusetts Ave Cambridge, MA


October XX, 2016

Dear Drs. Satterwhite and Wittenberg.

***DRAFT*** I am writing at the request of Ms. Xx Xx, in support of her readiness for vaginoplasty, which she desires in order to affirm her gender identity. I have seen Ms. Xx for three 45-minute evaluation sessions in my psychotherapy practice in September of this year, in consultation to her primary therapist, Dr. Zz. Ms. Xx will not be an ongoing psychotherapy client.


To introduce myself, I am a practicing licensed clinical psychologist. I have had specialized training and supervision in psychotherapy with transgender clients, which have been doing for the past 13 years, and I was a member of the Fenway Community Health Transgender Treatment Team (5 years)


Ms. Xx is a pleasant, talkative, 60-year old, white, transsexual woman who works as an xxxxxx and as a yyyyyy. She first identified as transsexual about 20 years ago. At that time, she decided against medical transition, but has found ways of expressing herself as a woman ever since. About a year ago, due to the possibility of [loss of] insurance coverage, she reconsidered and decided to pursue medical transition. Ms. Xx began taking estradiol in January, 2016, and found that she quickly experienced a greater sense of well-being. She has been taking progesterone since September, and has also found its effects positive.


In my opinion, based on the history she provided to me, Ms. Xx qualifies for a diagnosis of Gender Dysphoria. She presents as organized and capable, and as having undergone a long process of self-examination and self-expression regarding gender identity. She presents visually primarily as male, with a beard and a receding hairline, but also with feminine accents. She has long experienced doubts about being able to pass as female, and describes herself as making do as non-binary in gender presentation, but nonetheless wanting to more fully occupy her female identity, to be treated socially as a woman, and to have her body as congruent as possible with her gender identity.


Ms. Xx reports she has struggled with mood since childhood, and she has been treated for Major Depressive episodes in xxxx and xxxx. Currently, she is managing mood successfully with psychotherapy and no medication other than SAM-E. She also
reports she relates to descriptions of Autism Spectrum Disorder (specifically Asperger's Syndrome).

My evaluation reveals no psychiatric diagnosis that would prevent Ms. Xx from making informed decisions regarding her medical care and ongoing affirmation of her gender identity. Her history suggests that this ongoing process has been and will continue to be beneficial to her overall mental health.
Thank you for your attention to Ms. Xx's care. I wish her all the best. Please do not hesitate to contact me if I can be of further assistance.
Sincerely.
Yy, PhD MA License xxxxxx
CC: Ms. Xx, Dr. Zz

[Jacqueline]

SadieBlake,

Congratulations. I know I am late to the party. I hope it all goes smoothly.

Safe journeys in April.

With warmth,

Joanna

[rachel de Corvus]

Hi Sadie,

i recently joined Susan's after long being a guest here and a member of a similar site. So, i cannot write directly. i relate to your story, though you are much further along. We have much in common!

Best wishes,

rachel

[I Am Jess]

Congratulations on your decision and moving forward with it. I've had a number of friends use the services of that practice (Dr. Crane, Dr. Satterwhite and Dr. Whittenberg) and all have been happy with their results.  The time will now fly by and soon you will be whole.  Good luck to you.

[SadieBlake]

Joanna, Rachel, Jess, thanks so much! It's been a pretty good month.

Except: off topic update

My usual work partner for Wednesday/Thu was just being what Bill Maher likes to call a whiny little b***h last week and that extended into yesterdays work and I'm seriously considering blowing off the Wed evening thing in favor of ... well anything else.

It was due to a small schedule change I made and I found myself dealing with an uncommunicative & grumpy work partner for the day, blaming me for every single thing that went poorly.

The thing is this woman pretty routinely effs up my work -- stuff happens and I am usually taking on difficult things so there's lots of opportunities for things to go wrong. 

The thing is when stuff goes a bit or even a lot, sideways during my working time I just take it as a learning opportunity, address whatever the problem may be and move on. I don't think or care much about who effed up and I find this approach really helps with keeping the quality of the work top-notch.

I just wish I could get the same courtesy.

Hopefully today will be better.

Oh and on a positive note, my other project just told me they want to fly me to Milano for our installation setup! I love love love Italy and maybe I can scrape together a few extra $$ to make a side trip to Venezia to visit friends there. At the very least, the group will spring for my passport renewal, it will be nice to have that back in place as I skipped renewing it in favor of saving $$ toward transition.

[Steph Eigen]

SadieBlake:

We've all hashed out the GF dynamic with you here on various threads. I sounds like you are in a good place mentally and with her.  I can't adequately express my enthusiasm for your efforts and wishes for your success.

It will be interesting to see how all evolves ones the rubber meets the road post-op (no pun intended).  I've given much  serious thought to this question in my own case, and wonder how my sexuality would evolve  if I were post HRT and GCS post-op.  While I an 100% male cis heterosexually oriented now, if I were to transition, I am pretty sure I'd remain heterosexual, but as a woman. I could see being bisexual initially but suspect I'd gravitate toward being the receptive partner in a heterosexual relationship. Others have described this phenomenon. 

I have to admit, I, too, have difficulty understanding polyamory at a personal emotional level. 

Steve

[SadieBlake]

Steph, good timing, I was just talking about this with my therapist this morning. My gf has a semi-steady lover right now who is pretty good for her in bed, it's nice that she prefers me but I know she gets some things from this guy that I just can't give any more.

Her only reservation about transition is for our sexuality and I'm 99% sure I'm going to be a better lover post op than I have been for several years. What I was saying in therapy was that for my own part I believe I'm going to be successful in starting new lesbian relationships.

I get what you're saying for yourself, however I'll be very surprised indeed if I even want a regular male f-buddy, a year in hrt and my sexual response has changed a lot but little of that is focused on men and I've been deepening my female friendships.

I'm amazed how fast it's now coming up! Two months from now I'll be 4 days post op and out of the hospital, staying in the Haight.