How often do you think about being trans?

[SadieBlake]

Lately and having just finalized the formalities for GCS and in the midst of deciding to proceed, I think about it all too much. I'm certainly given to overanalyzing things and this is certainly an opportunity for that.

Since starting RLE, getting used to the degree that I've changed appearance, I think about it some except it's not so much thought as positive feelings. Historically I would have thought about it in dysphoric situations -- sex, or when I've felt forced into uncomfortable masculine roles.

Now that's simply things like enjoying the sensation of my ponytail or feeling good about having beasts. I look forward to a flat, smooth curve where today there's an uncomfortable <shenis>.

I'm a bit paralyzed right now by this need to put the last nails in the coffin of my decision. However this follows 15 years of pushing away dysphoria.

I want to respond to this, Cindy wrote:

How many people do you know who can talk to you about your problems?
How many people will give you a hug and (try) to answer your questions?
How many people actually do understand?
How many people never take in your past, your crimes, your horror but just accept you because..you are trans?

Here you have hundreds, thousands, even maybe one person who understands.

How good is that? We are unique, we have a community that accepts you as you.

OK that isn't ideal. Cisgender people have a community that generally just ignores them. That must be fun?

Cis gender people are hardly that shallow as a rule, I get good support from all of my friends and gender is not usually the topic of discussion. I don't especially seek out trans people and I'm not especially good at clocking gv people. Of course when I do realize someone is trans that may be something specific that gives us additional bandwidth matching.

I'm a member of not a few minorities (queer and leather and aspergian all come to mind) and seeing ideas that our differences make us better than 'normal' people feels just like the hubris I sometimes experience from heterosexist or cis-sexist biases. Sure, we happen to see some things that normal people don't. I don't feel it's appropriate to feel superior to cis gender people for the same reasons I don't like the terms breeder or vanilla which I've too often heard as pejoratives.

There are times when movements must be a bit insular as a matter of creating safe space. That need has to be balanced against formation of bias and other-ism.

[AlyssaJ]

How often do I think about being trans?  I don't really think about it as I'm trans, but the idea that I don't feel right in my body and have a desire to be different is a relative constant.  The dysphoria for me seems to come in waves though.  There are days, like this morning, where I'm feeling crushed.  The anxiety of it feels like a vice around my chest, it's hard to breathe, I can't focus and I'm sure all I want to do is transition.  But then there are those other days where I know I want something more but things don't seem "so bad" in this body (dare I say I feel comfortable).  On those days, transition seems like a silly fantasy.

So I continue to explore.  I'm still trying to figure out if those more comfortable days are just the result of almost 40 years of conditioning or if I'm truly gender fluid and that's just part of the ebb and flow of it.

[Violets]

The dysphoria for me seems to come in waves though. 

It used to be like that for me too, although each time it returned it would be just that little bit stronger than the time before. HRT has levelled out those waves and enabled me to step off that emotional roller coaster.

[SpeakYourMind]

My girlfriend mentioned to me that I talk about trans related issues a LOT, and upon reflection, I would call it a lifelong obsession. The thing is, gender is such a fundamental part of one's identity that when there is incongruence, it's hard not to be constantly reminded of it. Unless I'm engrossed in something, there would rarely be an hour go by where I don't think about it in some way. I don't seem to obsess about anything else.

Is this normal, particularly if you haven't fully transitioned and the dysphoria is still raging? How often do you think about it?

It's completely normal even after transitioning if you have some dysphoria remaining it can still be normal every person is different and everyone comfort levels are different. I don't think about being transgender in front of others so often unless i know them but i'd say i still think about it a fairly good amount enough for people to notice.

[MistressStevie]

Self awareness is wisely considered one of the key elements of being human.

That thinking about who I am, where I am, where I am going is constant. 
There may be differences in intensity, but the instant I mentally examine
my identity the answer is always the same!   

That translates to constantly with a deduction for active thoughts in other
activities.   

[Sophia Sage]

Growing up, I honestly didn't think about it much at at all.  Back then, "trans" wasn't even really a word -- there was just "transsexual" and I didn't identify as such probably because I never saw a positive example... I remember Renee Richards, who looked like a man, and Wendy Carlos Williams, who looked like a man, oh and John Lithgow in Garp, so I never really thought that I was TS because I never wanted to look like a man...

So 99.9% of the time, I didn't think about it, which was lucky, because at least I wasn't actively dysphoric.

Flashforward to my early 30s, and I'm wearing skirts at Pagan events and playing around with a new name, and suddenly someone calls me a cross-dresser, so I look it up and I'm like, no, not really... but then I bumped into references to beard removal and that was very appealing... which led to TSRoadmap and Andrea James's stuff on electrolysis and facial surgery, and I'm all "holy crap, that's me!"

And then I thought about it constantly for over two years, through bottom surgery and dilation and starting to have sex, and then I got into an actual relationship without (ever) disclosing... I still thought about it constantly for another year or two, and then, finally, that background chatter in my head finally stopped.  And I rarely thought about it (maybe 5 to 10 days out of a given year) until the past three months or so, when I decided to do some touching up on my body -- get some more hair removed, lose weight, consider hairline revision and maybe a BBL, which got me back on the boards and writing about my experiences.  I now I'm thinking about it every day again.

This too shall pass.

[Donna]

When I was in my teens, twenties and thirties, I crossdressed a lot and when I did I felt like some kind of pervert. I thought often that I wish that I been born female. Then, growing urges starting in my forties, fifties, and now sixties have finally gotten me to know that I am a normal healthy transgender person and I think about transitioning almost all the time that I am not heavily occupying my brain on some task. The older I get, the more constantly I think about it.

I hope to start HRT soon, and eventually fully transition.
I hope to no longer think about it post transition.
I hope to just feel like any other woman.

[SarahVA]

Lately it is been pretty much constant.  Am not transitioning but trying to figure out where I am on the spectrum.  I am always thinking about that I am really a woman and no one knows but me.

[Tessa James]

Lately it is been pretty much constant.  Am not transitioning but trying to figure out where I am on the spectrum.  I am always thinking about that I am really a woman and no one knows but me.

That is quite a heavy burden for anyone to carry.  I am glad you can at least share that with us here.

[lc100]

What Sephirah and nearly everyone here has said is how I feel. It's always there. It's pretty obsessive and feels pathetic to me (not that I feel that way about other trans people). I can't wait until I can begin transitioning, as I feel that then, the constant thoughts will be more positive than negative.

[Cyn5217]

As many have said, growing up as a teen in the late 70's and early 80's there were no great examples of successful transitions and no way to get the stories when others had the same feelings.

I didn't really accept myself as trans until six years ago, and even then had never dressed as a woman, though my desire to do so was constant in my 20's and 30's.  A marriage, two kids and my career took most of my thoughts, although my GD was there.  After a divorce and getting custody, I had years where it was really less of a priority. 

Now in my early fifties, remarried and more kids I've and because of my business I have more time to myself.  And it's occupied my daily thoughts for the past five years.  Since living as a woman is not possible, I probably think about it because I want to do something about it and can only go so far.  My wife found out three years ago, didn't accept it so I assured her it was no big deal.  I have a therapist, and that's an outlet for me. 

So much support here, and so many different stories and stages of transition and life, I'm very grateful for your insights.  I am doing some things like slimming down, and I actually had a full makeover a few months ago so I met "her".  I'm really not 100% sure where my final destination will be, at this point I'm like everybody else.

Day to day. 

[Veda]

I think about it quite a bit, but I can break it down into categories for type of thought:

Questioning if I am trans; Not at all.
Questioning if I really want to transition;  Seldom, mostly when I'm feeling lazy or need a nap.
Thinking about how my outlook may change due to HRT; Seldom, not really a big worry, maybe it should be?
Thinking of how to come out; Often, probably not often enough.
Thinking of topics to research on the subject; Quite often, I'm still relatively new so that's expected.
Daydreaming about hair, makeup and fashion; Seldom, I don't know if I would qualify this as thinking about being trans.
Thinking of the Socio-Economic and Evolutionary-Biological Aspects of ->-bleeped-<- (wouldn't that be a neat doctoral thesis title);  More often than one would expect. Again, I don't know if I would qualify this as thinking about being trans.

I'd say 75% of the time I'm thinking of or working on some topic at least related to it.

[ds1987]

I think about it A LOT.  I'm just starting to go out as Victoria, but am pre-HRT, so I think about everything that's coming.  I'm consumed at times, ordering shapewear, learning makeup techniques, thinking about introducing myself to someone as Victoria...there's so much good coming, that I get so carried away and forget to be in this moment.

This moment is beautiful, because I'm another day closer to being fully me.  This moment is purposed, because I'm putting the work in to be genuine and whole.  This moment is hopeful, because regardless of the flaws I see, I also finally see a beautiful girl with a beaming smile, ready and waiting for the day she will never walk out of her house as her former male self.

[JMJW]

Practically every waking moment. It's really killing my sleep pattern and starting to  reduce my college attendance and output.  It's just about crossing the finish line at this point.

[Artesia]

Some days, I think about being trans more than others.  Some days, I don't think about it at all.  Some days, I wonder how my life would have been had I just been born a woman.  Some days, I wonder if I'm doing the right thing.  Some days, I worry about family acceptance.  Some days, I just enjoy the feeling.

So for me, even as early on as I am, it varies depending on mood, and what is going on that day.  I don't let it consume me in the way avoiding the feelings did.  I just am.

[Geeker]

I don't believe that I ever think about it in quite that way, more as a general wrongness about my physical self. I look wrong to myself, like a "fun house" mirror reflection. I don't tend to talk to people about how I feel or how I view myself though, for various reasons.

I think Sephirah's toothache analogy is fairly spot on, it's constantly in the background until BAM!

[Donna]

I think about it A LOT.  I'm just starting to go out as Victoria, but am pre-HRT, so I think about everything that's coming.  I'm consumed at times, ordering shapewear, learning makeup techniques, thinking about introducing myself to someone as Victoria...there's so much good coming, that I get so carried away and forget to be in this moment.

This moment is beautiful, because I'm another day closer to being fully me.  This moment is purposed, because I'm putting the work in to be genuine and whole.  This moment is hopeful, because regardless of the flaws I see, I also finally see a beautiful girl with a beaming smile, ready and waiting for the day she will never walk out of her house as her former male self.

ds1987,
You are a sweet and wonderful woman. You express yourself so poetically. You are a beautiful person. I identify so much with your sentiments.
I now feel frumpy and ugly any time I am in male mode. I may or may not "pass" as female, but I sure do feel happy on the inside and I show my happiness with smiles whenever I go out as Donna.

Please continue contributing to this forum.
You are wonderful, ds1987s.

Donna

[Karlee]

Hi all,

Just adding in my little 2 cents worth.

For me, I think about it everyday. It's generally the first thing I think of when I get up, and the last thing before bed, plus pretty much constantly throughout the day.

I agree, like Sephirah said, that it is just like a toothache. For me, most days the wondering, confusion, doubts and emotions are crippling. On the one hand, I enjoy daydreaming about changing my life and becoming the girl, on the outside, that I feel on the inside. But on the other hand, like JMJW, I can't focus on anything else! I'm struggling to keep up with and get motivated to do my university work (exams a couple of weeks away  ), I get nothing done all day and feel like the days are wasted.

For me, dysphoria comes in disliking my prominent masculine features, but not in a crippling way. I don't like it, I want it to change, but I can live (unhappily) with it.

The confusion and doubts are the most crippling part of questioning my gender identity. I spend more time being envious of pretty girls in the street and comparing how I look compared to them, watching transition timelines and reading trans related news and articles, just still can't fully accept, nor trust, that I am trans. Go figure? I read somewhere that it can boil down to the fact that, yes it is a choice to consciously transition, and it is a big choice at that. But, the reality is, it's not always a choice, but something we have to do.

You're not the only one that thinks about it all the time. I'm like that, too.

Love,
Karlee. x

[IzzyM]

100% of the time since 28th of August 2016, before then occasionally, to explain my cross-dressing and fantasies of being a woman.  It is now getting to the point that it is interfering with the things that should be taking up my concentration.

[SonadoraXVX]

Even though I'm 4 years, 1 month into hrt, hmmm, probably like 50% of the time, when I see my age and younger cis women, just living it up, I'm jealous. I just don't push myself to transition at this time, just wrong place and wrong time, meaning wrong job and wrong home setting, but I'm doing what I can for the moment.