Hi I'm Larissa

[Larissa1991]

Hi all!
Even though I'm a guy I like to use Larissa as my name here. It's the name I often used for the part inside me that's "the real me".
The real me hasn't been out much, locked up safely. I'm 25 years old, and for some reason it's getting really hard now. I'm realizing that I'm a quarter century old, and I'm so afraid that the next 25 years will go fast again. I don't want to regret my life when I'm old.

As long as I can remember as a child I wished I was a girl. I didn't had much courage and always ignored it. When I was about 15 when I reached the age I could go to the city and buy me clothes I sometimes bought secretly girls clothes. It was a secret I kept really well, nobody ever figured out.
In the beginning that was enough for me, just wearing my clothes made me happy. But at some point I realized I wasn't myself. When I was in pools and saw girls in one piece swimsuits I thought.... "why can't I wear that?", why can 50% wear whatever they want,  but not me?

At some point I got enough courage, and started wearing swimsuits everywhere (while I was not even trying to pass as a girl). I realized people didn't cared and I was happy for a while. At some point I didn't even though about my swimsuits anymore. When I went to water parks I just wore it, and never run into anyone I know.

I was happy for a while, at some point I also started to wear skirts sometimes. One day when I was on a trip far away from home by myself I even wore it while walking in a forest. After my walk I realized nobody who I passed on the trail paid really attention. Of course I knew they must have seen that guy in a skirt and tights. But it gave me the courage to get in the train and even just walk around the city center, have lunch and go back to my hotel.

This all was in Europe, where people are maybe more open minded about these kind of things?
Anyway, I moved to the United States and since I'm living here I can't really do these things anymore. I got married, and even though I still swim laps in my swimsuit, I can't really do much more than that. At home I can wear my skirt, but it makes me sad to have to change multiple times a day whenever we're going somewhere or even when there is just a change somebody will come.

It confuses me why it makes me so sad. I'm not sure what to do :/
In Europe I had enough confidence that you can just wear a one piece in any waterpark, but here in the United States I'm not sure about that. So the moments to by myself are really limited

[Selena]

Hey Larissa, I have a similar story, though I've always lived in the US. Secretly dressing my own way got me through age 12-18 but then I had to step it up and started wearing stuff in public for a while before running back in the closet and slamming the door. I actually noticed that women commented the most, all positive, and several times the woman approached me about going out (never did though. This NEVER happens while I present as male). I think our generation is likely much more accepting (I'm 26) and people our age will likely understand why your dressing like that or just not care.

I've always held this standard when worrying about what people think of me:
Everyone has three choices in every situation: Accept, Ignore, Avoid. Some people will accept you for who you are. These are the people who you should find and surround yourself with. Some will ignore you. They won't go out of there way to mess with you but inside they don't accept you. This is how most people will react. Why should you worry about what others are thinking so long as they dont act on them? Some will avoid you, and if they are spending the effort then you don't have to. The secret 4th option is to take violent action. These should happen much less frequently and are the only times you should worry. Be ready, but don't dwell on the 4th option. Most people just talk big. This line of thinking can applied to almost any insecurity, not just trans issues.

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[Larissa1991]

Guess how many times I negatively got commented on while I was in waterpark/pools in a girls one piece swimsuit.....  no single time!
At first I went to places that felt pretty safe (just regular lap swimming), but at some point I even went to water parks filled with teens. That's when I realized I shouldn't care that much about what the world thinks, since even there I didn't got treated any different than normal. And the few times people react, it's just a positive question out of curiosity.
Even though I know people probably looked sometimes, I was proud to just be myself. I don't want any attention just like any other girl, but on those moments I feel like I exist and am a real person.

Where did you wore clothes in public? I really don't like hiding myself here, but on the other hand, I also don't want to run into violent people. But on the other hand, I really miss just being myself more.

[V M]

Hi Larissa 
   
Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

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Hugs

V M

[Selena]

Where did you wore clothes in public? I really don't like hiding myself here, but on the other hand, I also don't want to run into violent people. But on the other hand, I really miss just being myself more.

Everywhere. I would just go hang out at the mall dressed however I wanted. I think the craziest I ever went was green and black striped tights, black skirt, Converse, shoulder length neon pink hair, Insane clown posse shirt (female version taken from my girlfriend), basic make up (done by my gf) and large hoop earrings. I do like too make a statement and stand out. The only person who approached me was a girl who said she loved my style. I didn't stop because I was afraid of what others were thinking about me but because I was afraid of how comfortable felt at the time presenting in that way. That was when I decide I would try one last time to "man up". Here I am, 6 years later realizing all I got out of the attempt was 6 years of pain I can never get back. It's not an experiment I would suggest anyone try.

I think 99% of the fear we feel is made up in our heads and the other 1% is legitimate fear that even CIS girls have to live with. Unless you're in a super conservative state I would suggest just going for it whenever it feels right. I can only speak for New Hampshire but people don't seem to really care. I might be more hesitant in Alabama or South Carolina, but I wouldn't go to those states for a number of reasons.

[Cure Bunny]

Hello Larissa

It is a pleasure to meet you.

I think you are doing a wonderful thing by exploring who you are and want to be.

Keep flying, stay shiny


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[Michelle_P]

Larissa and Selena, you two sound like you could be a lot of fun to hang out with when you cut loose.    Just going for it, getting your presentation the way you want, the way you feel, can be such a fun, even euphoric experience.

Ain't nothing wrong with being who you are.  Oh, you might upset old Miss Grundy, but worrying about bothering someone who is so sour on life they can't stand seeing others happy and having fun just shouldn't be on the agenda.

Some parts of the US are pretty darn open.  Might be a good vacation spot for you.  Pack your brightest and shiniest things and fly again!


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[gennee]

Hi Larissa and welcome to Susan's.