Need to talk

[Mxwll]

Hey all.  First post, and I need to talk and maybe get some opinions.

Long story short, I've always known I'm not a girl.  I think I'm FTM and I definitely look manly besides my large upper portions, which I hate so much.  I have dysphoria mainly about those, plus my voice, and I want facial hair but I'm scared to death to go on T.  So maybe I might have to do without that.

Another thing is that although I'm manly looking, I'm not exactly manly in my mannerisms which I'm worried is going to hinder my passing as male, along with the lack of T.  And can I even get top surgery without T?  I can't pass at the moment, definitely not, because of my top half. 

I'm out to my close friends and family but haven't changed my name yet or started anything else.  My partner knows and is very supportive which is wonderful.  But there's one thing.  She's been a bit funny about me telling people we don't know.  Absolutely fine with people we know, but others not so much.  She says it's none of their business. 

Okay that's fine, but what about the neighbours?  They know me but not well enough to call them friends, and have been introduced to me as my girl name - how do I amend that without coming out?  Would it be weird to introduce myself a while ago as [girl name] then be like "actually everyone calls me [boy name] so please call me that" without coming out?  My partner doesn't want people to think I'm a freak but I just want to be open and honest - she thinks that I sound overly apologetic about by coming out to people I don't know well,  which I guess I do as I'm kinda ashamed of it.

Anyway sorry for the ramble and I'd love to hear others thoughts

[Rachel]

Welcome to Susan's

You are not a freak, you are trans and there is nothing wrong with that.

My therapist this week said to me that maybe I should ask  myself if I am comfortable with "them" instead of are "they" comfortable with me. Meaning you have value and need not worry about how others feel about how you present.

[KathyLauren]

Welcome, Mxwll.

And can I even get top surgery without T?

Yes, you can.  Direct quote from the Standards of Care: "Hormone therapy is not a pre-requisite. "  It's a different story for bottom surgery.

how do I amend that without coming out?

Hmm, I think that "amending" that IS coming out.    But you can tell them as much or as little as you wish.

[Mxwll]

Welcome to Susan's

You are not a freak, you are trans and there is nothing wrong with that.

My therapist this week said to me that maybe I should ask  myself if I am comfortable with "them" instead of are "they" comfortable with me. Meaning you have value and need not worry about how others feel about how you present.

Just to clarify, my partner doesn't think I'm a freak but is worried about others thinking so.  When I came out to her as trans, she said "I already knew that, so get the process started.  I love you for you not your carrier!"  Wonderful woman. 

My appearance has long been a source of confusion for others and I've been a target for bullies and random street abuse my whole life and I think she's worried that would make it worse and put me in danger

[Kylo]

Taking T will give you a better chance at not looking/sounding "ambiguous" to people and being a target for that reason. It's more difficult to pass without it - the minute you speak someone will "know" by way of a female voice. Pretty much nobody argues with facial hair, either.

You say you're scared to start taking it. But if you never take it you may be stuck with this situation indefinitely. If the confusion of others is what causes your problems, taking the hormones will begin to make you less confusing in appearance

T is the biggest step toward "masculinization" of the body and you've probably seen the results of it on Google. If you don't go down that path, depending on how masculine you can try to look, you may have to rely on other people being understanding enough to provide enough acceptance and that will mean asking them to.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. I have seen several member who received top surgery as the first step in their transition. T tends to be a rather drastic step and uncertainty causes some FTMs to go for top surgery first. Bottom surgery is a bit different because the need for the clitoris in some surgeries. You only need to take the steps that you are comfortable with so the transition is more of a menu than a fixed routine.

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[Janes Groove]

Welcome to the club. Don't worry about mannerisms. Those can ALL be learned.  Have fun with it.

Neighbors are, believe me, a work in progress.  It took me a while to get comfortable.  But now I shovel my walk in a skirt. No big deal.

Code Select Expand

"I love you for you not your carrier!"

Oh my God, that's the best quote I've heard this year. I'm keeping it.

[FTMax]

Taking T will give you a better chance at not looking/sounding "ambiguous" to people and being a target for that reason. It's more difficult to pass without it - the minute you speak someone will "know" by way of a female voice. Pretty much nobody argues with facial hair, either.

You say you're scared to start taking it. But if you never take it you may be stuck with this situation indefinitely. If the confusion of others is what causes your problems, taking the hormones will begin to make you less confusing in appearance

T is the biggest step toward "masculinization" of the body and you've probably seen the results of it on Google. If you don't go down that path, depending on how masculine you can try to look, you may have to rely on other people being understanding enough to provide enough acceptance and that will mean asking them to.

This. Mannerisms are important but T is really going to be the only thing to get you there in terms of passing if you aren't already.

You can have top surgery without being on T. Some surgeons will perform bottom surgery without you being on T, but they prefer that you are on it due to the RLE requirement. It is absolutely required for metoidioplasty.