Will your brain realy ever fully let the male go

[DaniMack45]

I'm glad that this topic has arisen because in some ways it show that the spectrum of gender identity is vast. I have never had any gender identity problems (mentally that is), because I have always considered myself internally to be without gender.  I'm just me! Always have been and always will be. I may have a desire to change to look female on the outside, but I doubt that will alter who I am on the inside at all.

[Harley Quinn]

We are exacly who we are. Let both halves meet and they'll get along rather well in my experience. To deny yourself your past because of "body issues" is unhealthy in my opinion.  Embrace your past, but don't let it dictate your future.  The future is whatever you wish it to be.  You decided to transition and you are making the changes you wish to see in your life... that's about as positive as you can get.

[SadieBlake]

I'm glad that this topic has arisen because in some ways it show that the spectrum of gender identity is vast. I have never had any gender identity problems (mentally that is), because I have always considered myself internally to be without gender.  I'm just me! Always have been and always will be. I may have a desire to change to look female on the outside, but I doubt that will alter who I am on the inside at all.

Changing my clothes never materially changed my thinking, 15 years of working on my socialization has and yet those changes are now being overwritten by hrt.

As much as I've been uncomfortable with masculine behaviors, testosterone really does enable many of them. Am I like a cis female? No idea, however the thing I think I will never fully understand is the masculine brain. Yes, testosterone biased my decidedly feminine brain towards more masculine expression and I've spent plenty of time around cis males and accordingly have some empathy for them but I never felt comfortable there.

So personally I think that's effectively gone. Memories as others have said are fading, they'll remain but already don't much influence my thinking in the here and now.

[zamber74]

I really don't think I ever was male to begin with, I never made the cut, I was always different and could not hide it enough to pass as male.  I've fallen flat on my face so many times, I've missed the mark to such an extent, that I don't think there is very much to miss.

I have always been this weirdo, and that is how I will probably remain till the end of my days.

[JoanneB]

I guess sort of like Cindy said, I can't really differentiate between the "Male" me and "Female" me, aside from skirts or slacks.  OK hair or no hair. 99% of the time I am just Me now. Which is a universe away from how things were before I took ownership of being trans where I desperately tried to separate the two parts of me... actually bury one and parade the other around

[stephaniec]

The thing is that voice I hear in my head while I constantly talk to myself is the same voice I've heard all my life. I can't imagine any differentiation between male and female as I talk in my brain.

[kelly_aus]

I was never a man, so the male "me" never really existed.. The moment I realised this, I was so much better off. i might have lived amongst men, but I was clearly never one of them.

[zamber74]

The thing is that voice I hear in my head while I constantly talk to myself is the same voice I've heard all my life. I can't imagine any differentiation between male and female as I talk in my brain.

This is actually something I always found fascinating, to the extent that I researched how deaf people think to themselves, or how blind people conceptualized their environment.  The voice that I sub-vocalized has evolved through time, right now I imaging a scholar running through my head, trying to sound intelligent.  Later on, it will be some party person, in a thread I made earlier, it was some deeply depressed person. 

Not to say these are disembodied voices with their own will, thankfully.   I'm in complete control.. I think!   

The only male voice in my head, is that which was grown from my environment, telling me how lousy of a person I am, that I need to "man" up, I need to put these "dreams" behind me, and fill a role I don't want to.  It is a voice that I have relied upon in the past, to keep me in check, to protect me from harm, and hide me from others.  It rears it's ugly head from time to time, and I like to kick it straight in the balls, and tell it to go to hell   Y'know, it sounds strangely like the voice of my father. 

I sound like a complete nutter now, sorry

[Michelle_P]

The 'male me' was just a persona, an act I perfected over the decades to protect myself.  I've been dismantling it with the help of a good gender therapist.   Now, I know it was an act, and something I don't do any more, but the old, old habits from hiding over half a century are hard to eradicate.  That's the only reminder.

These take the form of the behavioral checks I would make.  "Is this act too feminine?  Am I looking male enough doing this?"  That's about all that is left, the old habits to try and stay hidden.  I work against those rather deliberately, and the relief I feel from defeating these old habits daily is palpable, a real feeling of letting go and relaxing within myself.

It's hard to worry about looking male enough when wearing a pencil skirt and a bodycon top, with a 36/28/37 figure.    (Yeah, Michelle haz a happy today...  wheeee!)


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[DawnOday]

I am finally getting to the point in my HRT where being male is less and less important. Some old hangups die hard but for the most part I am satisfied with the progress I am witness to. I could not have done it without the support I have found here. I went to the electrologist yesterday and she said my face is looking really good and healthy. My hair has grown out and is almost ready to be styled. I like the me I see, just wish I was 30-40 years younger. But on with the things I have control over. If all continues to go well I plan to venture out into the world in May at the Esprit Conference. Most my male is gone. Balls from walnuts to hazelnuts. I no longer sport wood. I will never be able to reverse my size 14 feet and 6'3' frame. But luckily Maria Sharapova is 6'2" and Taylor Swift and Elle Macpherson give me inspiration.  Now if I could just so something about those feet and my shoe fetish.   

[Kylo]

That's an interesting question.

Personally I think some tendencies/aspects are hormonal-based, so without the requisite control over your own hormones, some things may be impossible to let go even if you want to. Although whether those things have a specific link to gender in your mind will be an individual thing.

I'm going to say yes, you can shape who you want to be and what you want to feel, although it is a long process that can take many years and a certain degree of willpower. But I know it can be done, because I left an old self behind a long time ago that I never even think about anymore, and am so different from. Not anything to do with transition, just another necessity. I'm sure the same will be true of transition if you want it to be that way.

[Inarasarah]

So that "inner voice", mine has never changed, it has always sounded like me, and that has always been feminine.  The problem is when I open my mouth and the voice that comes out, is much different.  I still hear it and I cringe, even though it is much better than it was.  I hope that once I have VFS, my external voice will better align with my internal voice.

34 days...not that I am counting 

[Jean24]

I'm approaching the finish line to where I can be cis so here's how I look at it: I was never male, I had a debilitating physical deformity that was a form of intersex (transsexuality).

[Jacqueline]

For me, the male self was an act she had to put on, the classic having to live a lie. I wasn't very good at acting or role playing, glad I don't have to anymore

katiebbw,

Thanks for sharing and joining in. It can be intimidating. I have lived too long to easily shift. However, I am slowly making progress to move beyond the guilt, shame and denial. I hope to get to a point where it doesn't come up in every day life. Guess that doesn't fully answer the question, but there it is.

I also want to share some links with you. They are mostly welcome information and the rules that govern the site. If you have not had a chance to look through them, please take a moment to:

Things that you should read

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
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Once again, welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

[Jin]

Every one has a male part and a female part. Call it M/F, dom/sub yin/yang or whatever. Sometimes one part gets subsumed and starts to fight for dominance. Sometimes the parts play nicely together.
For the last few years my girl part was running all over my boy part and they were always bickering. Then I reconnected with my first girlfriend and found that she is my girl part too! She is a Reiki Master and worked me over to get the balance back. Now the two parts are resting quietly, holding hands and making cooing/mewing sounds.

I can only speak for me, but whichever part is driving on a given day, depends a lot upon what clothes I have on. And we switch around a lot so nobody gets feeling left out.

[RavenMoon]

I'm just me. I never felt male even though I was born male. But I'm aware it's still a part of me I guess.


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[Sephirah]

No. And nor do I want it to.

The male is that scared, confused kid. That lost, lonely soul who didn't understand who they were. Didn't understand why they hurt so much. Wished only to be invisible and hide. The male is sat in a room crying. Hugging a pillow, telling himself over and over that he's sorry for whatever he did wrong. He's sorry for who he is. He's sorry for being alive. The male is the person who existed in that dark void before I found myself.

Now he's safe. Now he doesn't have to be afraid. He is the part of my mind who reminds me to never, ever make someone else feel the way people made him feel. He's the part of my mind that adds weight to the empathy I feel for others. The part that adds to my drive to help those around me reach the place he never could. He is part of my memory, and part of the reason I am who I am.

Now he's at peace, and his tears are gone. But he never will be. And I'm thankful for that.