How to feel attractive as man (a bit sexual so please don't be offended by TMI)

[JoshB_90]

I've been transitioning for almost 10 years. I remember this site helped me a lot in the beginning. I stopped visiting years ago. I'm not sure why. I'm hoping there are some guys on here who have been on hormones for years. I'm kinda looking for their advice but any helpful words will do

I've had 4 relationships in the past 10 years but none of them have been sexually satisfying. All of them have been with women who have never been interested in anyone lacking a dick (didn't really know how else to say that). Mental connection is there but sexually it's ALWAYS lacking. Two of them just really weren't interested in sex so that could've been because of me or it could be that they aren't sexual. I'm a big believer that many people, cis gender or not, tend to not want to be physical when they have insecurities which makes me also think these women were with me because they felt comfortable. Anyway - the other two just would ride me or have me penetrate them. As you all know, T has helped down there so in some ways sex with no toys actually works. These two girls managed to get off but then it was over. Any talk I tried to have with either of them didn't work. One didn't communicate and the other told me she was uncomfortable with doing more with me sexually.

The problem I've noticed being a transman is that women WILL be attracted to you. SOME will try to date you despite minor initial discomfort with finding out about your trans status. BUT sex will still be a bit strange. I've had top surgery. I pretty much am only "female" when I take off my pants. How do we get over this? How have any of you gotten over this? I don't want to be the band aid boyfriend for girls who have insecurities and find me comfortable because I "accept" them.

I bring this up because I'm currently interested in a new woman who actually told me she thinks I'm awesome but the only thing that bothers her is that she really really wants her own biological children with a man she loves. I'm a huge believer that people can want that and believe that and NOT be transphobic. I have no problem with what she said because she was honest and respectful. How do we find the confidence to be men though? I never thought I would be 10 years in and asking these questions but here I am lol.

*I didn't mean to offend anyone if anything is taken out of context.

[Kylo]

I would imagine it helps to have an open-minded and caring partner. Those don't grow on trees, I know. . .

Once thing I have noticed since presenting male is that I do get straight female attention. And I know that means ultimately I'm going to disappoint them, so I tend to be standoffish to discourage them and they get even more curious and interested with an aloof guy they're into (even married women, which I won't encourage... happened a few times...). If I was interested in being with someone it would be a constant temptation and a problem. I don't envy anyone facing this problem.

There is the lower surgeries you could have, depending on what you want. Although, I know some people just don't want to go through that and it is a major deal... but in the end some women do want what they want and won't accept anything else. I'm sure there are those out there who are a bit more open minded but I realize now after a few relationships just how differently I look at "love" compared to a lot of other people who are way more physical or into the physical aspects of it.

I'm sure someone will have some advice to give. I can't really give any as I'm done with the dating game; sex was never my fave part. I've had people date me because they felt comfortable too and that's ...ok but not necessarily the best start to a sexual relationship if someone's so damn comfortable they skip right to the post-marriage phase lol. Then again I wouldn't have dated someone I didn't trust, so... I guess I would always put myself in a situation in which there'd at least be room for discussion and experimentation.

I'm not someone who needs a lot of sexual fulfillment. For one who does... I think it may be remedied by the kinds of people you are with, there are people out there who are right for the situation it's just a matter of finding them.

[CMD042414]

OP I marvel at the fact that you've found 4 women willing to even give it a go. Can I ask how you find them? I think it's a lot to ask of a straight woman to be comfortable with a transman. And I know most of us don't want to hear that but it's the unfortunate truth. If a woman is straight she wants a man with a penis. We as transgender folks separate gender from sex and redefine it all but for the vast majority of the world, straight or gay, they just aren't there. The most open-minded trans ally may still not want to date a trans individual. I'm at the point where I'm not even going to try again until I've had all stages of phallo. It's been over two years on T for me and I've had two women want me. One I wasn't into at all and the other dumped me suddenly. I never had sex with the former. The latter was a very sexual woman but she did not reciprocate. However, she doesn't give oral to cis guys either. At least that's what she claimed.

Some women are just what I call pillow princesses. I think some of them are conditioned by society and culture to be standoffish about sex so as not to be seen as a "slut". We know women tend to be more physically insecure which manifests big-time during sex. Or being that they are straight, they may not know how to or even want to pleasure someone with female genitalia. It sucks, man.

Finding the confidence to be men? I know it's rote and cliche to say but genitals don't define me. I identify as a trans man. Not just a man. So I don't get hung up on genitals. By definition a trans man does not have a penis. So it doesn't feel like I'm lacking something.

I can only speak for me but I will only consider a woman that is 100% OK with me and my body. If she can't be comfortable sexually I'm not going there. I require reciprocity. I'd rather be single. But I am in my 30s and crotchety.

[somewhat]

Maybe you could try dating a bisexual woman?

[CMD042414]

Maybe you could try dating a bisexual woman?

Bisexual women, cis ones anyway, seem to be even less willing to date a transman in my experience. I once thought that would be my best shot but you can't assume that a bi woman is attracted to trans bodies. That's what it really comes down to honestly.

[Ms Grace]

For the majority of people, even the high libido over sexed ones, the amount of genital on genital sex in any long term relationship is going to be fairly low. Even if it was one hour a day, every day, it would be barely 4% of the year...and we know the average for most people will be a lot, lot, lot less. Considering all that, it's amazing how much emphasis people seem to place on the genitals of their partners (especially prospective partners). For transpeople, especially who haven't had, can't or don't want, GRS...this genital fascination can really throw a dampener on our attempts to find a relationship. If relationships were purely about sex I suppose I could understand it, but relationships are about a lot more than that so it's a bit of a puzzle how we always seem to find ourselves in this place. We're people first after all.

Anyway, all that aside, I suspect there are genetic cis men who are in a similar situation because they've lost their guy due to any number of reasons (painful to think about, I know). I wonder how they are able to cope with this situation regarding straight women and what they do?

[CMD042414]

For the majority of people, even the high libido over sexed ones, the amount of genital on genital sex in any long term relationship is going to be fairly low. Even if it was one hour a day, every day, it would be barely 4% of the year...and we know the average for most people will be a lot, lot, lot less. Considering all that, it's amazing how much emphasis people seem to place on the genitals of their partners (especially prospective partners). For transpeople, especially who haven't had, can't or don't want, GRS...this genital fascination can really throw a dampener on our attempts to find a relationship. If relationships were purely about sex I suppose I could understand it, but relationships are about a lot more than that so it's a bit of a puzzle how we always seem to find ourselves in this place. We're people first after all.

Anyway, all that aside, I suspect there are genetic cis men who are in a similar situation because they've lost their guy due to any number of reasons (painful to think about, I know). I wonder how they are able to cope with this situation regarding straight women and what they do?

Though it makes my life harder I get why people put a lot of emphasis on genitals. You can't force yourself to be attracted to something you're not. And though the physical act or sex may not take up a ton of time in your relationship it is still one of the most important aspects. I can't expect a woman who likes men to be OK with a guy that has a vagina. How can I? In our community we try to deemphasize genitalia for obvious reasons. But the unfortunate truth is that for the vast majority of the population, gay, straight or otherwise, it matters a lot. In fact it is a deal breaker.

[Ms Grace]

Yes, it is a weird thing I have never really been able to get my head around. But then I guess I have been largely asexual most of my life so that's probably why I find it so hard to understand.

[Jacqueline]

Welcome to the site or should I say, welcome back.

Ms Grace gives great advice. I hope you find what you are look for.

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With warmth,

Joanna

[Moomin]

I still find the idea of being put off somebody because of their genitals, as completely baffling. Maybe I'm in the minority, but I'm attracted to personality, composure, demeanour, scent, taste and touch way before looks. It doesn't matter what gender they define or don't define as, or what parts they have, it has no bearing on my attraction to somebody. Having said that, I do love sex!

I'm sorry you have had such a hard time dating, but I can't be the only woman who feels this way. In fact I know I'm not as my partner is the same and she is CIS Have you ever dated a trans or intersex woman? I can tell you I find kindness, manners, sense of humour and a mix of strength and confidence incredibly attractive in men and trans men X

[FTMax]

It's interesting to me as someone who is essentially asexual. Granted, I do hope that my asexuality is a symptom of my dysphoria and will change after surgery. But in the mean time, I'll say I've had more of an issue finding a partner who was disinterested in sex than in finding one who didn't care about me being trans in the slightest. I have met plenty of people all along the various gender and sexuality spectrums that have not cared one bit about my being trans, what stage of transition I'm at, what I'm hoping to do transition-wise, etc. who were absolutely interested in getting to know the other aspects of who I am before diving in to dating.

I think to some extent there's always going to be this worry about how a partner perceives us because we internally feel and know that we're a little different. But I think with the right partner, it's a non-issue.

What really stuck out with me about OP's post wasn't the initial section about his previous relationships, but his ultimate question in the context of the last section. He mentions that he's interested in someone but that she hopes to have biological children with a future male partner, and then poses the question about how to develop confidence as a man.

Sexual stuff and preferences aside, I have to wonder if this isn't similar to how it feels for a cis guy to discover that he's sterile.

[CMD042414]

I still find the idea of being put off somebody because of their genitals, as completely baffling. Maybe I'm in the minority, but I'm attracted to personality, composure, demeanour, scent, taste and touch way before looks. It doesn't matter what gender they define or don't define as, or what parts they have, it has no bearing on my attraction to somebody. Having said that, I do love sex!

I'm sorry you have had such a hard time dating, but I can't be the only woman who feels this way. In fact I know I'm not as my partner is the same and she is CIS Have you ever dated a trans or intersex woman? I can tell you I find kindness, manners, sense of humour and a mix of strength and confidence incredibly attractive in men and trans men X

There is always going to be diversity among us in terms of attraction and gender and whatnot. I find that trans folks who do not live in a binary system find it easier. For people like me that identify as masculine/man or feminine/woman and are attracted to binary individuals too, it is more difficult. As a hetero masculine guy that is attracted exclusively to feminine women dating is a challenge.

[CMD042414]

It's interesting to me as someone who is essentially asexual. Granted, I do hope that my asexuality is a symptom of my dysphoria and will change after surgery. But in the mean time, I'll say I've had more of an issue finding a partner who was disinterested in sex than in finding one who didn't care about me being trans in the slightest. I have met plenty of people all along the various gender and sexuality spectrums that have not cared one bit about my being trans, what stage of transition I'm at, what I'm hoping to do transition-wise, etc. who were absolutely interested in getting to know the other aspects of who I am before diving in to dating.

I think to some extent there's always going to be this worry about how a partner perceives us because we internally feel and know that we're a little different. But I think with the right partner, it's a non-issue.

What really stuck out with me about OP's post wasn't the initial section about his previous relationships, but his ultimate question in the context of the last section. He mentions that he's interested in someone but that she hopes to have biological children with a future male partner, and then poses the question about how to develop confidence as a man.

Sexual stuff and preferences aside, I have to wonder if this isn't similar to how it feels for a cis guy to discover that he's sterile.

Very true. There are plenty of sterile cis men. Or cis men that have low sperm counts. I can imagine that having the right equipment and it STILL not working properly may be even more of a head trip.

Where preference rears it's ugly head again is in the fact that even a sterile cis man has a larger pool of potential partners because his genitalia "matches" his gender according to the majority of people.

[Moomin]

Just add that I'm incredibly feminine/girly and very much on that side of the female binary I like guys that hold doors open, pull out my seat, dress smart and will hold me in his arms. I like men very much at the macho side of the spectrum. I just don't see how that changes depending on whats in a guys pants. Nothing to do with a guys masculinity.

But I agree that most people find it very hard to shake the binary that we get taught at such a early age. I guess I'm very lucky to have a social circle of very open minded queer and straight people. We started small, using meetup. And we started just holding lgbtqi+ friendly (but not exclusive) tea and cake days. I went from having 3 very dear friends, to about 70 over 12 months! With amazing people from all over the lgbtqi spectrum and very cool open minded straight people. I know the "scene" can vary, so make your own! Or come and move to Scotland and join mine lol.

See I'm a very binary trans/intersex woman


Pertaining to the original poster. The bio children thing is very tricky. And I agree not transphobic of somebody to want. All I can say is I have friends who felt this way, but got past it by some means. Dave and Mary (not real names, respecting their privacy) adopted, even when Mary was adamant about having bio kids at first. People can change their minds, and can find a way. Not always always granted. Any hoo I'm rambling. I hope if you give it a shot with this woman, you manage to both get your needs and wants met.

I really hope you all find somebody to love and be loved!  X

[CMD042414]

Just add that I'm incredibly feminine/girly and very much on that side of the female binary I like guys that hold doors open, pull out my seat, dress smart and will hold me in his arms. I like men very much at the macho side of the spectrum. I just don't see how that changes depending on whats in a guys pants. Nothing to do with a guys masculinity.

But I agree that most people find it very hard to shake the binary that we get taught at such a early age. I guess I'm very lucky to have a social circle of very open minded queer and straight people. We started small, using meetup. And we started just holding lgbtqi+ friendly (but not exclusive) tea and cake days. I went from having 3 very dear friends, to about 70 over 12 months! With amazing people from all over the lgbtqi spectrum and very cool open minded straight people. I know the "scene" can vary, so make your own! Or come and move to Scotland and join mine lol.

See I'm a very binary trans/intersex woman


Pertaining to the original poster. The bio children thing is very tricky. And I agree not transphobic of somebody to want. All I can say is I have friends who felt this way, but got past it by some means. Dave and Mary (not real names, respecting their privacy) adopted, even when Mary was adamant about having bio kids at first. People can change their minds, and can find a way. Not always always granted. Any hoo I'm rambling. I hope if you give it a shot with this woman, you manage to both get your needs and wants met.

I really hope you all find somebody to love and be loved!  X

Meetup is a great resource! Love that dress pattern, I have similar tie.

OP, any updates?

[Moomin]

Thank you CMD, I love this dress so much! I've never seen a cherry print tie, sounds ace!
I was a bit shocked that the Bi-women you have dated have been so uncool. I really thought they would be more understanding. I've been in a relationship for 5 years so I don't have much experience in this area, but is there any dating apps that might help? I hear that on a lot of them you can be really specific e.g kids being a deal breaker. Just a thought.

[CMD042414]

I was on a few dating apps. I would disclose I am trans and not get many responses at all. When I removed the trans line I got so many more likes and messages. I find that dating apps don't benefit guys that aren't 6" with beards, cis or otherwise. It's a numbers game. Women are bombarded with different men and so can be ultra picky.

[Kylo]

On a dating platform people are going to put their rough-cut preferences before the people they consider dating.

This is why I never bothered with dating apps/sites in my life. I suspect many people are on there to find a set of preferences, not a person. They might find someone after the fact, but it's such an impersonal way to begin, I can't ever see myself having ended up with someone right for me on one. I want to know the person before I even put myself in the position to be rejected. Which is easier than you might think, if you can put the time in.

Meeting people that way - well the best places I found to meet people was certain types of jobs. I worked in a nightclub for example and I met hundreds, maybe thousands of people and made a lot of friends, went to a lot of parties and found a lot of opportunities to get to know people better if I wanted. Met my first there and we were together 6 years. I ended up having to end that one although we are still on great terms and still talk from time to time. Other places was uni, night school, or certain activity groups. I used to go potholing, and made a good few friends there and met interesting people. Like-minded people you're going to find doing activities you also want to do, and they're a better bet I reckon.

It doesn't mean there isn't still the trans barrier to get past, that's always there to some degree when dealing with dating.

I've never actually "dated". I just got to know people, made friends, and clicked with some of them naturally. I hate to say it but I never made a great effort and it wasn't difficult to find people interested so long as you met people and made an initial connection. I always approached the topic as if I wasn't really looking for someone or for a relationship and they began to happen anyway. While I do think women struggle far less finding partners than men because women are picky, if you just get to know a few people outside of your usual routine I think there'll be opportunities there of a different kind than the cut-throat dating app game.

[kings joker]

I'd actually like to chime in about the bisexual thing. My past partner is bi and very educated about gender binaries and trans things. I can't speak to her exactly but when I started thinking about transitioning she told me she'd always love me and it was a bonus that she also liked the male body just as much as a female body. Now would she have given me a chance if I was fully cis-passing without a penis? I'd like to think she'd be open too it, and I would have still rocked her world and the would have kept her around. However, after dating me I think she's more open to dating trans-guys now because she knows thats a very ambitious statement.
I would say you'd have better luck finding an open partner in the queer community than in the cis-straight community purely because they may understand what they're getting into more. Because they may have had prior experience with a trans person or purely because they know a non-binary genitalia doesn't scare them.