Hi! So I haven't posted in forever, so I'm gonna reintroduce myself and get right into it! I am Anna, I am (now) 21 years old and I have a lot to talk about. The last few years of my life, leading up to these last few days, have really made a huge difference in who I am today and what my current feelings are.
Anyway this'll be way too long cause I finally get to express some of my feelings and I'm a bit excited! I'll make sure to put a TLDR at the bottom I promise!
Ok, so here we go. I started this account September of 2014 when I was 18 years old, I know omg right. Wellll when I had started this account I had already pretty much known I was trans for at least a year, maybe a bit longer. I remember when I was a freshman in high school I had told a close friend of mine that I had always wished I was born a girl, but didn't look into it too much or care to elaborate on those feelings. Fast forward to junior year and I am 100% sure of who I am.
Heres the thing though; I was dating the love of my life when I was a junior, and knew something of this size would cost me everything. So I concealed it, and ignored the feelings for as long as I could. But it was sensed that I wasn't as interested in things like sexual encounters. Regardless, that relationship only lasted about 8 months until I broke it off for totally different reasons. But at that point I became lonely and depressed, so I jump right into something new.
The thing is, I jumped into something new with someone I wasn't initially interested in. We didn't have much in common and I wasn't crazy attracted, but loneliness was to me at the time, a far worse fate. So the summer before senior year I was already back in a relationship. At first things were great, we were committed to each other and things (even initially forced) started to really feel genuine. All the while, I am battling my inner-self, my true self.
I was able to ignore who I was long enough until I finally got some quality alone time, where I could let loose. This just happened super rarely, and eventually stopped altogether. Eventually my relationship was taken to the next level, not by choice. So my ex ended up having to live with me after being kicked out, for close to no reason. At that point we had only been dating for about a year, and I still wasn't fully committed, which is awful I know. So I had to give up have my space and adapt to someone else living in my room. Privacy was nonexistent.
So our relationship had several ups and downs, but eventually became really toxic. Last May, of 2015, my ex decided to move out and get an apartment. I wasn't ready to move out, which of course didn't go over well, but I was about to have my privacy back and I was overwhelmed with excitement. Obviously I would spend time at the apartment too, but if I ever wanted alone time, I now had unlimited access to it, which felt like something very new. I took advantage of this new(re)found alone time, and it put a major strain on us. When I realized this, I felt awful and started putting all of my time, effort and focus on making things right again. At this point it's June, and we had almost been together for 3 years (which was in July).
It was too late though, all the effort I was putting in between June and November ended up being for nothing. We had grown very apart, and I was incredibly sad and lonely, even spending the majority of my time there. And then one day in early November 2016, I was greeted upon arrival by a note left on my things that was breaking up with me. In devastating fashion I had just wasted the last 3+ years of my life, for someone I had initially not been sure of and ended up falling in love with, only to have it ripped away from me.
Welcome to January 3rd, 2017. I'm depressed. More depressed than I've been since I could remember. For the first time in years I have to cope with being alone. I spend a lot of my days curled up in bed after work with my iPad watching dumb youtube videos. And now I can buy alcohol myself, so that's been a frequent thing as well. I've gained a lot of weight and I spend every morning convincing myself to get out of bed.
But tonight things were different. I was just doing my normal thing, I take a long bath to pretend everything is ok for a while and then when I do finally get out, I get straight into bed and waste away the rest of my day. But tonight I was inspired by a video I watched. A transgendered woman who recapped some of her hardships of her transition, while also making fun of some of her embarrassing encounters. Something about this spoke to me, but also reminded me of who it is I really am.
I have been living a lie my whole life. A comfortable lie that I became so accustomed too, that I almost believed it. But this breakup, as hard as its been, was not a bad thing. In fact, it might've been one of the best things thats happened to me. I can begin to be myself. Sure, its gonna take some time before I am telling the world, but I don't have to pretend for anyone anymore. And this is a sense of refreshment I have never felt before.
tldr; I've gone through a breakup that has given me my freedom back. Regardless of my loneliness I finally feel like I can begin to be myself and express who I truly am. I spent the last 2 months in a depression, but was inspired by a youtube video of a transgender woman who reminded me of who I really am and have always been. I now can start focusing on the things that are most important to me.
