Trans thoughts are getting the best of me. Need some PMA

[CaptFido87]

Hi folks!

It's your friend, Sammi! Hope everyone had a good holiday and good new years. Mine were OK, I guess. They weren't over the top special, but just like any other day, my depression sets in and I don't feel like I even belong.  That makes my dysphoria and anxiety and trans thoughts go through the roof. Oh well.

I haven't on gone this site in a while simply due to the fact it got super depressing reading stuff last time (Sorry for adding another to those). That's where I'm at right now. I keep telling myself I want to be a woman, that this is the right thing to do, that it will fix me, that I'll be happy. None of those seem to believable. I look in the mirror and I can partially see her. I see her eyes and her cheeks. I see a little bit of her waistline if I look at the contours. But nobody else seems to see it. I've talked with friends, I've talked with family, I've talked with other trans-woman who don't see it. Everyone says that I look like a male and that display male characteristics. Yes I understand that because I'm not in a position where I can just freely practice being a woman. So I get those comments, but it hurts. It's basically everyone telling me I'm fine the way I am. That I shouldn't change. I am gender-fluid, but I have a very strong feeling that I'm meant to be a woman. I may not have saw the signs ever really growing up, but they are there now. I just don't know what to do. I know I have to get back to a therapist, that will help with some issues. I just want like something of a clear answer to know for sure. There has to be one factor of being trans that should hit me so hard in the face, that it knocks me over. There's like a thousand different factors, one is all I'm asking for in a sign. 

Well that's where I'm at right now. Sorry for being so down folks. If some one could offer any advice to lift my spirit up or to make feel positive. I'd really appreciate it. I'm just so lost and it often feels like I have nothing.

[bluepaint]

You kinda answered your own question by writing this , If your weren't trans why would this concern you as much as it does? Its takes much work to not only undo the years of programming and to give yourself time to grow and nurture the woman inside that you feel you are and to move to bring her out to those around you that say to you that at this time, you present yourself and behave in a masculine manner!
Im sure many can attest (and do so here) of the incredible difference in what they were before they were able to fully be themselves, to be what they knew they were inside! Where friends and family cant believe the "before and after" in appearance and in their new sense of themselves and maybe you were comparing yourself thinking this will never be possible for you but the truth most if not all of us were where you are and your seeing the end product of much time and effort, working hard to be who they are not only in appearance but in behaviour and identity!
I sense (by your comment) that your being overly critical at a point where you shouldn't  be judging yourself at this stage when your still early in your transition (if your looking at transitioning) It doesn't happen overnight or just by inertly assessing yourself in the mirror  much as to be done to achieve results (including the guidance of a therapist help you explore your feelings)  but if this is what makes you happy, then surely it it worth the effort for yourself! Blessings! Julie [emoji177]


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[Raell]

If you're questioning your gender at all, you are transgender. Do your cis friends question their genders?

NOPE.

It never even occurs to them.
That's why they keep telling YOU you're OK the way you are.

U.S. evangelical Christians, and thus, other cis people, disapprove when people change genders. Decades of labeling such behavior "deviant" and "sinful" has given it a social stigma that remains, despite recent progress in gender variance acceptance.

[CarlyMcx]

Dear Sammi:

I am looking at your profile photo and I see a pretty girl.  So what's to feel down about?  In order to have a happy life as a trans person you really have to learn to appreciate the little things and not dwell on the big things that are not happening fast enough.  Paint your nails, get a new skirt, or just go to the mall wearing whatever female items you are comfortable with and walk around for a while.  And for crying out loud, do not judge yourself by comparing yourself to others, especially other trans folk.

Your transition and your life as a trans person are your own and are like no other.

If you are not on hormones, then cheer up.  You are young, and the hormones will do wonders, believe me.  If you are on hormones, then give them time to work.  It takes years for them to have full effect.

And don't make the mistake of letting other people tell you who you are.  I made that mistake for almost 50 years.  Live your own life, enjoy it, and learn to find happiness in every little step you take toward femininity.

I hope this helps you feel better.

Hugs, Carly

[Michelle_P]

Sammi, I think we all see ourselves as the old assigned gender when we look in the mirror, even when well into a transition.  It's often not how others see us, though, even pre-transition.  The mind is a powerful tool, and can be a tremendous anchor for us. Sometimes that is a good thing, and sometimes not so good.  It can be hard to raise that anchor when we discover that we have to move.

When you are effectively working to present as male, something almost all adult AMAB persons do whether trans or not, whatever you might be inside is hidden from all.  Ah, but when you drop that appearance, relax in private, and post here, you can be your real self, however you identify.  I see someone who has tried to present as male, and has managed to carry that presentation off with most folks, but inside is questioning that gender identity.

The very fact that you question your gender identity puts you in a rarified group of folks that have the insight to know there are possibilities other than the assigned at birth binary identities.  That is a pretty special thing that not many can experience.

Seeking outside help, coming here, and even better working with a good therapist experienced in gender issues, is a great next step.  This can help you to clarify your thinking, avoid running your mind in fatiguing little circles, and help you to draw a conclusion about your true gender identity.   Whether you discover you are female, non-binary, gender fluid, or something else, I think you'll find the journey both interesting and comforting as you get to know yourself.

Hugs!
Michelle


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[Dee Marshall]

Two conversations I had brought the truth home to me.

I had started a new job less than a year into my medical transition. The new employer was known to be conservative, so I was presenting male until I figured out what was up. Several months later I was talking to a co-worker and she admitted that when I first got there she was wondering if I was a man or a woman. Remember, at that time I was presenting male and had only been on HRT for 10 months. I also was wearing sports bras under a loose, dark shirt which hod what little chest I had.

Later I was talking to another, cis co-worker. I was lamenting that I was still frequently being misgendered by customers. She admitted that she was misgendered several time each week. Basically, in gender neutral clothing unless you're young and sexy the odds are that superficial people will misgender. It's not your presentation, it's their poor filters.

[bluepaint]

Later I was talking to another, cis co-worker. I was lamenting that I was still frequently being misgendered by customers. She admitted that she was misgendered several time each week. Basically, in gender neutral clothing unless you're young and sexy the odds are that superficial people will misgender. It's not your presentation, it's their poor filters.

Im afraid sometimes that we are expected and we try to conform to an ideal that most of us wouldn't have been anyways even if we would have been born cis! Theres also (now with the visibility) many that are purposely looking for it and they even see some cis women thinking they are trans (as you mentioned) bc they dont fit their stereotype of being young and beautiful in appearance when there are plenty of women of all shapes and sizes! I come from a family of big boned Normand stock women, theres no way I would be a small framed and I would've always looked like the unpopular nerd with glasses at school regardless,  compared to the girls the guys look at! lol  Julie!


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[Sephirah]

To quote the great sage Gandalf: not all who wander are lost.

Firstly, don't be sorry, okay? It happens. And it's better to get it out than keep it festering inside your mind like a poisonous little thorn. You did the right thing posting.

Secondly, how everyone else thinks you look isn't who you are, if that's not who you see in your mind's eye. It just isn't. People don't know what's going on in your mind, how you feel in your heart and soul. So their opinions only have as much weight as you are willing to give them. It's very easy to be brought down by other folks. Very easy. If your sense of self is wavering.

I'm not going to tell you that anything is certain, and you're right that seeing someone in a professional capacity could well help you shed light on how you're feeling and what you feel the best next steps to take are. But what I will say is this: how do you see yourself? When you close your eyes, in a quiet place, and just focus. Who do you see? It doesn't always have to be some earth-shattering, ear-shredding alarm bell that clobbers us around the head. Sometimes we have to look for the quiet times. The times where the world takes a back seat and you can just be alone to think about yourself. Take some time to do that, and see what you come up with.

That matters more than what someone who only sees the outside skinvelope sees. That is the thing you should hold on to. The person who you see. No one else gets to live your life, sweetie. You do that.

You can do it, okay? You can choose your own destiny. It's one of the few things we have control over. Don't let anyone else take that away from you. You're worth more than that. *hugs*

[CaptFido87]

Hi everyone! Can't believe all of the responses in a such a short time frame.

You are all right in what you posted. Everything is exactly as you suggested or offered me. I'd go through and bring up points y'all made, but that might take a while. I was mostly looking for some positive vibes to cheer me up a bit. You really did bring a small smile to my face reading these great offerings. Its the little things that help me get out of my funk.

I've just been feeling real blue lately. I've had a lot of anxiety and depression linked to work. I recently got moved to a different department at work and Its just hitting me very hard. The work is a bit more strenuous and some of the work is very demanding with precision checking. Not mention the huge amounts of safety issues I see all around me. I'm usually a self contained quiet worker, but here its like i'm alone on an island. Nobody goes out of their way to talk to me( I don't mind small chit chat with people) and; It's making me super nervous that I'm doing stuff wrong (and believe me I've already messed up a few big things). So it's stemming from that lately. I'd go talk to my boss about it, but he hand picked me to work in this department. So yea. I'd hate to disappoint my boss or possibly lose my job over something like this. To be fair its not overly hard work and I'm capable of doing it, I just don't enjoy it like my previous position.

The body image and mental image have been out of sync lately as well. I met a girl and I've fallen quiet head over heels for her. I've made it clear I have feeling for her and I know she does the same for me. Though when I mention the trans stuff, it just seems to not end well on my end. she "misgenders" me sometimes and you know I do feel a blow from that. Its like a crushing blow to my self esteem. I understand where she comes from seeing as I still haven't started my transition and appear very much as a male. It sucks because I feel like I let my guard down and let the power of love overtake me. I should have been more careful, but what was I to do. I care very much about her and my feeling wanted to make it so. I feel like a fool sometimes. That really doesn't help my case.

Plus I've gained nearly 20 lbs in the last 3 months and managed to amass quite a hefty credit card debt over the last 6 months. So that's another anchor weighing me down. 

But those will all get answered soon enough I guess. Right now the main goal is to get myself back out of the blue and start living a little happier. That's the best goal to have. Thanks again for all of the great responses ladies!